Ever have something that you write and write mutliple times and every time you delete. I've litterally tried to write this thing for the past 3 days. It gets rambly and long and just mixed up.

Due to some not so positive events the oldest child has recently been given some options on if she would like to spend some extra time at our house. Nothing dangerous or CPS involving but this it's new for her to be given the option. Each time it's presented she's chosen to go home with us

BM is dealing with some stressful things and so she has allowed it but we are truly worried that once things calm down for BM she will take offense that oldest child made these choices. Oldest child is a preteen and for the past 5 years she's watched her mom use her as a weapon to hurt dad and in many ways emotionally manipulate and burden her and it's finally catching up.

She feels at our home she can have the space and support she needs. She feels trusted and respected. She knows we don't lie to her and both of us have been very careful to ensure that we do not disparage her mom even going as far as complimenting her mother at times that it was appropriate to do so.

We've allowed her to be a child but we've started to have more adult level conversations. All of this with the guidance of a therapist. For example last year the oldest expressed she was having suicidal thoughts and urges to self harm. We've also had open discussions about sexuality and talked about the reality of the world around her where as BM avoids this kind of stuff.

Anyways this has come to the oldest making it clear she wants equal time between homes. She's also taken interest that BM doesn't care about at all and in turn just spends a lot of time away from her mom. But this is after years of us watching her mom leave her for days on end with other family members and basically only having them when she got recognition as if the kids were trophies.

I'm proud she's devolving her own identity and can voice her thoughts. And it truly is HER identity. I'm happy she feels comfortable and wants to be here but I truly worry from what I've seen of her mother this will create major conflicts between them. The therapist is careful about what she says but she's made it clear that 1. our home is not creating any current issues and 2. mom still won't accept her responsibility for some of the issues. She continues to pretend there is no problem at all or wants to blame SO for everything. For example for WEEKS on end the oldest expressed issues with something in her room that she needed perental help to change and it was clearly identified as being something in her room at moms but mom kept saying it was our place. This was when BM was saying the child was suicidal and she was trying to do ANYTHING to help.

BM constantly goes on about how depressed the child is and is mad when we don't report the same symptoms. She's not withdrawn, she's not moopy, she's not moody with us. I'm not saying she's not depressed I'm saying from experience that environment can make things worse. BM is really worried saying she's seeing signs that the child might be a risk for self harm but there are not signs at our home. At the same time when I suggested seeking inpatient if it got bad enough BM blew off the idea completely.

Like I said BM doesn't want to see the role she plays in things. BM has made it clear many times in the past that she will not “lose” the kids to us and that's what she'll see this as. We worry she'll take it out on the kid and the way she's done towards other people is not good. Even her own family admits she has an issue when she loses her temper so it's not just SO who has made these claims but the thing is she'll hold it together until she doesn't.