Not even angry anymore.
So I've been here venting about how my partner is useless at keeping on top of her kids, especially SK2. We've recently got a cat, I didn't want it and lo and behold who is mopping up pi$$ and picking up poo and cleaning out the kitty litter and I wasn't even asked if I would do it, the mug in me jsut wanted to help out because I am here working from home, dealing with the house and kids for the last 3 years. I stopped doing it VERY quickly.
Amazingly she put up a rota for things SKIDS need to do a month or so ago, worked for a tiny bit but things just don't get done to be honest. You should see the state of the house since I've stopped doing things, it gets her down but I've made it clear to her a long time ago, I am willing to do my bit and more work than them but they need to chip in and I need to see them chipping in and her keeping on top of them first coz I am done with it.
She just doesn't keep on top of them, SK2 takes the pi$$, he's been asked to clean his disgraceful bedroom for weeks now, still not done. She comes upstairs today and she is basically cleaning up ALL of the mess they should be doing or are capable of doing. She cleans the pots and pans that SK2 left, emptied his foul bedroom of dirty plates and emptied and loaded the dishwasher, which is their job and should have been done by one of them.
She is skulking around looking pi$$ed off and I sit and say nothing or do nothing, but as usual am waiting for her to kick off about anything to have a go at me and direct her anger at me somehow (she didn't...yet), she better not because I will just re-direct her to her over 18 kids, but it will all be my fault and easier to have a go at me than them and I just won't win that argument or get her to see 2 adult children basically do nothing. SK2 has only just started working but then lost his job because he just couldn't be bothered, when he managed to get it back he was praised 
He is supposed to be paying rent but I put 400% on the fact BM is not getting a penny, I don't ask, I don't care, I pay the amount agreed divided by 4, the shortfall is her problem to deal with not mine.....Ooooh SK2 is back to stealing again from his brother, even though he has/had a job and got paid.
She swept and cleaned the hall, their job between them once a week each and I'll do the other 2 weeks. I have made myself clear to her and I can no longer talk until I am blue in the face about them not chipping and her not keeping on top of them. I guarentee this....In a few years my 2 kids will not be getting away with it, it will take time but they will have chores that I will expect them to do without fail and I will keep on top of them. The issue with the bedroom of SK2 for instance...'Do your bedroom now, end of story. but it's the usual thing, this is what happens----'SK2 I've asked you to do your bedrrom for days now, do it today' - It doesn't get done and the saga continues.
What The Hell Is Wrong With Her Is My Question???
I'm not angry any more, I am just flabbergasted and slightly amused. SK1 is pretty good, he has autism so to him it's more of a routine thing other than a chore, he is great cleaning up after the cat, I feel sorry for him as he is always cleaning up pi$$ and he just does it as BM is not here.
What The Hell Is Wrong With Her Is My Question???
I wish I had an answer. I don
I wish I had an answer. I don't understand this coddling thing a lot of parents do. It doesn't benefit anyone in anyway. So why is it some parents are just unable to change their own behavior??
I find it bizarre. I think
I find it bizarre. I think for her, as my dear mum says it's easier for her to do it herself than keep on top of them (sk2 mainly) I've disengaged from that side of things. I also think in the past she would rely on me to keep on top of them and get them to clean up as I always made sure the place was tidy before she got back to do my part. Not anymore and I've clearly told her what needs to change.
Only problem I foresee is I now realise 100% that she is VERY passive aggressive and it will be redirected at me somehow. For years I didn't quite understand it but now I can see clearly.
When I disengaged, I also got
When I disengaged, I also got a lot of flack from SO for it. I turned my behavior towards him around as well. I had already stopped being an enabler and instead of defending myself or my actions which woukd result in an argument and taking the focus off the real issue being SKs. I started being a coach. By this I mean when he raised a concern I put it back on him to handle in a positive supportive way.
For example in your situation if your wife starts to get upset about the constant mess. Show empathy for her frustration and then provide encouragement that you are confident in her ability to find a solution to the problem.
On my first day of Grad
On my first day of Grad school, a professor asked the class..."What is management?" Various class members expounded on a number of answers, etc... The discussion was raucous. A very entertaining day in that class.
Towards the end of the class period the professor wrote the following definition. "Management, is the process of accomplishing work through the efforts of others." A surprising number of my classmates took exception to that definition. It made perfect sense to me.
That single class, particularly that definition, was an MBA in one sentence.
Parenting is not all that dissimilar from management. Yes, a parent can nearly always get something they ask a kid to do done in a fraction of the time it often takes the kid with zero back talk, bitching, whining, complaining, procrastination, etc.....
But.. getting that task complete is not the goal. Parenting is the goal.
When a manager pics up a tool, they cease to be a manager. When a parent does a chore they have asked a kid to do, they cease to be a parent. This applies to each incident so failing as a parent by doing a chore assigned to a kid is not comprehensive parental failure... but it easily can turn into comprehensive parental failure of the parent does not pull their head out of their own ass and regain connection with their intellect and recommit to actually parenting rather than just avoiding the kid crap.
IMHO of course.
I think I've enabled a lot
I think I've enabled a lot too, she passed a lot on to me and to try and be supportive over the last 10+ years I've taken on the role of a dad not a step dad.
What you say is lovely but it's just not going to work. Right now communication has crumbled. No matter how nicely I try to wrap something up it will always be turned around. e.g
Me: Can we talk about the amount of time you spend on your phone. (addicted to it by the way)
(will eventually lead to the following)
Her: So you're saying I'm not ever allowed to be on my phone.
I can see her doing it now and have to listen carefully to what I say and then respond with the question....At what point did I ever say that, instead of the discussion becoming about me not allowing her on her phone, which was NEVER the discussion. I can now count a number of talks that go this way, I've only just started to realise what she does.
I've even been blamed with her losing touch with a friend, granted, I never liked this person, she made me uncomfortable, but I NEVER stopped her meeting or going out with her. When this conversation arose I was actually very emotional and close to tears about something I felt (seperate issue) next thing I know I'm defending myself about breaking up her friendship. She is a Wizard at moving the issues I raise into me defending myself about something else.
I've come to realise that this woman is fu$ked up and I cannot reason with her, I cannot get her to accept her failings, which we all have, because she needs to see herself as perfect and presents herself as this happy go lucky person to her friends, but to me she is a miserable, moody cow that if I dont act in the way she wants acts passively agresively accordingly. I've seen it and felt it for years but only now do I realise what it actually is and am convinced is actually happening whereas before I would just be left confused. My relationship with her is over and not having to get into these twisted conversations is a relief.
She does the classic thing of making me get angry so that she can say....'See...See how you behave.' & the only reason I lose it is because I've been accused of something that isn't true or she has denied something which I know she did or said or I've asked for something until I am blue in the face. Literally felt like recording her so she can't worm out of things. Ooooh, I forgot to mention her inability to apologise too.
If she's annoyed with something, she can tell me. Done with trying to guess or being expected to do something because she feels like I should. She's a silent nutter