My Boyfriend's Kids Are Lazy and Have No Discipline!

My Boyfriend and I have been living together for about 8 months. He has 3 children (Boy-age 14, Girl-age 10, and Girl-age 6)and I have two children (Girl-age 17 and Boy-age 11).

I am admittedly pretty strict with my kids when it comes to cleaning up after themsleves, not back talking, and taking responsibilty for themselves and their actions. My boyfriend on the other hand, not so much!

I have watched his 14 year old make a mess in the kitchen and leave it. I have watched him eat and then swipe his crumbs onto the dining room floor. His 6 year old will throw trash on the floor and spit on the kitchen floor. These are just examples of some of the behavior. Last year, while his youngest was in Kindergarten, he was constantly receiving phone calls about her behavior and the fact that she does not listen. To which his response is that the teacher is a nut job and that he has heard that from several people. OK...well...she doesn't listen at home either, so are we as crazy as the teacher. There are constant excuses and when he does attempt to correct them, he says things like, "if you don;t stop you will be in big trouble". One issue there...there is never a "big trouble". Never a consequence.

When he does discipline or get frustrated by his kids and yells or punishes, that's ok be he is their father. If I do it, it simply means that I hate his children. Which is not the case at all. This has caused many arguments for obvious reasons.

Do I not deserve to live in a clean home? Should I be forced to deal with disrespectful children who do not listen and take no responsibility and have no manners and just bite my tongue in my own home so that I am not accused of just hating them?

He claims that he now sees my point of view. This is only after I left last night and checked into a hotel for the night and refused to come home when he said he wanted to talk - made him drive to the hotel - then I still stayed at the hotel for the night while he went home alone. Partly because I am still on the fence as to whether or not to keep trying to make our relationship work.

I guess you can say that I am going to give him one more chance to start parenting his kids before I make my final decision. I am just at the end of my rope.

I get the constant "not your kids or your responsibility" but in the same breath I am asked to babysit, and run them places, etc. Then a halfa breath later, I am accused of not treating his kids like I do my own and I should be. So which is it? Should he really get to pick and choose only the things that make his life easier as acceptable jobs for me to take on?

I am at a loss and constantly feeling like I am fighting a loosing battle.

Any advice? I love the kids (although I do not like them sometimes) and I love him so I would ike it to work, but I just do not know how much more I can take. I am having so many feelings of anger and resentment at this point. Is it even possible to get passed all the damage and hurt and resentment? Is it even worth it to try anymore?

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So basically you're good

So basically you're good enough to babysit and play chauffer but when they need to be reprimanded your BF doesn't want to hear it??? The behavior of these kids are not your fault, they are from lack of parenting and they need to learn the basics of cleaning up after themselves and being respecting human beings. If this is not taught at home can you imagine when they are older and interacting with others in society?

You've only been with him for 8 months, why don't you move out and have him prove himself worthy of having you back again? You shouldn't live under these conditions and if he's not putting the effort to make changes you will be living in the chaos for the rest of your relationship with him. Save yourself now that you haven't invested to much time and have him figure this out and parent his kids.

These are his kids and not your responsibility and he has to learn the difference. He can't pick and choose what is convenient for him. You both have to be on the same page and since you both are not, be ready for more drama.

Run...............

Living together 8 months,

Living together 8 months, together for a couple years, known each other for 16. Guess it really is true that you never really know someone until you live with them!

It’s not worth it. These are

It’s not worth it. These are probably reasons why his ex left him. I lived with DH and his two teenagers for 9 months along with my own biological teenager. It was a nightmare like you described. I left too. I bought my own condo. We still date and I finally have peace. My bio child also has peace. We are finally happy and ourselves again. Take care of yourself. Blending a family is not natural.

Thank you for the advice and

Thank you for the advice and the words "Take care of yourself". I have been taking care of everyone else so much that I have been neglecting myself to a large degree.

Oh man, I could have written

Oh man, I could have written your post (go back and look at some of my earlier posts, if you have time). It's a tale as old as time- The dad can yell and discipline, but when a SM does it, she hates her skids. Little heathens can do what they want, make messes, but if you yell at them for it you are being too hard on them. We have fought about this, a LOT.

I don't know about other's situations, but I beat it into my SO's head, FINALLY, that he needs to back off and let me be a human. I'm living with kids who are not mine, and expected to never be annoyed with them, never tell them to clean up, etc? I'm just supposed to drive them places and make them dinner, but have no say in other areas? Nope. We almost broke up over this. I really thought it was done. I don't know why, but it's like after our last convo, it finally clicked for him. I've noticed a big change- he doesn't say a peep if I tell skids to clean up, or if on a rare occasion I express a little irritation with them. But it was HARD to get there, and I'm still not confidant it won't rear its ugly head again.

Personally, I wouldn't be happy if I lived in a pigsty with heathens. So for me, it was either, things change, or I would not have lasted. Luckily, things have changed enough for it to be tolerable (this took 2-1/2 years, mind you). I created a chore chart, I teach them manners and make them clean up after themselves when they are being pigs and leave food on the floor and table. But you have to be able to have a say in it, because I highly doubt you can trust your SO to just handle it all.

Thank you so much. I needed

Thank you so much. I needed to hear that I am not alone in these feelings and that I do not need to feel bad for them. I aslo needed to feel like maybe there is still hope. As far as having to do it myself, I agree. Although a big part of me resents having to? I have taught my kids these things already and now I have to teach his because he is too lazy or weak to do it himself? Maybe that sounds awful and I will still choose to teach his kids myself for my own sanity, but I cannot help but somewhat resent that I have to. Does that even make sense?

Oh yes.

It can be mentally draining. And it seems so obvious to teach kids these basic behaviors, you can't help but wonder why people wouldn't teach their kids to clean up, etc, but it apparently (what I learned on this site) is SO common. Honestly, if I had to go back and do it all over again, I'm not sure I would. But I love my SO, and his kids aren't even bad compared to some of the heathens on this site. If skids were any worse, or my SO showed no effort at improving things in order to make me happy, I would be out.

Sounds Very Familiar

OMG! Yes, your post sounded so very familiar. Luckily, he is still just (and I don't mean anything deragatory by that) your BF. My DH is the same way. His kids are 17, 14 and 12 and he is the same way with them. If and when he ever doles out a punishment, it is lifted before the day is up because he feels guilty I guess. He has threatened some many times to take their video games away, for good, that I cannot count on two hands anymore. But yet, they have never been taken away and the behaviors do not change. The three are very coddled by him and I am the one that has to tell them no, don't do this or that, unless I want my house to look like $hit! They are actually all disgusting human beings if you ask me. And, what I get from DH when I bring it up is "I wish you could love and accept them like I did your boys". However, what he fails to remember is that when we met my boys were 19. They were mature human beings, out working part-time so they could buy their own car, pay for their own insurance and gas, all while still going to school and maintaining great grade point averages! His oldest is "too busy" (playing video games) to get a job and she is starting her Senior year. These skids have no idea what real life holds for them....it is going to be train wreck!

All that being said, really think if you want to deal with all this until all his kids are 18...and maybe even beyond. Let me tell you, there are days I wish I had never made the commitment I did. I love DH dearly, and when it comes down to it I would be there for his kids if something trafic happened, but most days I do NOT like them at all!

Exactly! Its such a double

Exactly! Its such a double-edged sword. If I want to live in a clean home with respectful kids, I have to be be the parent and discipline them. Yet, the fact that I have to basically do his job for him just to not live in a dirty house makes me resent him and the kids even more. And if I hear "treat them like they are your own" one more time, I am going to start whoppin their little behinds like I would my own. *shok*

I will say he has gotten better (mainly with the yougest two). He is reminding more often and such. Still will not punish, but at least I don't have to be the only one sounding like a broken record (as none of them listen until about the 5th time). He also has starting making cleaning the house a "family" endeavor instead of just me doing it all the time which has been nice. But shit - the house wouldn't take 5+ hours to clean with 6 peaople doing it if they would stop being lazy and cleaned up after themsleves each time they made a mess. Seems like with his oldest (the boy) he is having a hard time cracking down him. He will yell occasionally but then he lets him half ass stuff and says its good enough. When confronted about the boy, my SO says there may be some truth it but his son stuck by his side through this whole divorce ordeal. So did I ASSHOLE! Its just crazy.

oops! that's it

It's not the job of a child to emotionally support a parent going through divorce. It's the parent's job to emotionally support a child during the breakup of their family. It's the hardest thing to do, because obviously you're reeling yourself. But your child is not your confidant, your partner, your friend or your support.

Maybe I was more aware of this because my mother did this to me - I was her 'best friend' - she told me stuff no child should have to hear. It made me too grown up. And because she brought me up to that level it was really hard for her to provide effective discipline (frankly she was not so good at that anyway). And it was harder still for me when she found a new partner, basically I got 'dumped'. This caused a lot of resentment with my new SF. I should have placed the blame on her (and I did a bit) but teens just don't have the perpective and an enmeshed teen really doesn't have the perspective. Over time I realised my SF was a pretty ok guy (he made some mistakes trying to impose stuff on me that was none of his business and he got fed a lot of lines from my mom), but in the end he respected my adulthood way more than my mother ever has (except when it was convenient for her!).

At any rate, I tried really hard to not place this burden on my son. He's younger and I'm sure I didn't 100% succeed, but I am the parent and he is the child. I see my ex using my son to stave off loneliness - focussing on his own needs rather than his child's. I see BM doing the same, especially to OSS12.

Double Edged Sword Is Right

Double edged sword is right. I often think if it was just DH and I life would be near perfect (although that's not entirely true either lol). I know nothing in life is perfect but it's a lot closer when those skids are not around. I never expected to have the bond with them I do my own children. But, it seems the longer I am here (we moved to DH's home state so he could be closer to his kids since they were still young.....BIG JOKE), the more I disengage and the more I resent them....maybe DH too. I was sitting here thinking the other night about what I gave up to be here. Yes, marriage is about give and take for sure. I gave up a career (I had been at my company 23+ years), I left my parents, my children, my friends, life as I knew it....all so he could be here closer to his kids. And yet, I see no effort by either side to bond anymore than they had when he would come back to his home state every other weekend. Some days I feel trapped....like I don't even know who I am anymore. I had been at home for a little over a year (partly due to a bad accident I had) but recently started looking for a job because I thought that would provide me with quality time away from the house....and get me out of being available to cart those little demons around. Unfortunately, the job I found did not work out. I am still looking though. But honestly, I don't know if it was the move here, the fact I am menopausal (LOL) or what...but I just seem to have lost myself. I spent about 10 years as a single mom...yes, I was in and out of relationships before I met DH. But sometimes I think I've made a mistake.

Ok, enough feeling sorry for myself....and boy, did I get off track. LOL It sounds as though your BF is trying, to some extent. But, don't make that ultimate commitment until you've tested the waters a bit more. Because, as you know, once you say "I DO" it is a lot harder to say "I don't want to anymore".

I have been a single mom to

I have been a single mom to my daughter since she was 2 (she is now 17) and I thought that was hard....this is so much worse! If you ever need to chat, I am here. And I understand the job thing too...I work but I work from home all but one day a week and I have often thoguht about giving up that luxery and just going to the office (an hour away) everyday.

You're right elkclan it's not

You're right elkclan it's not the responsiblity of a child to emotionally support a parent through a divorce. Kids should be able to just be kids. I was a COD and my mother left when I was only 3 years old. I was raised by my father's parents. My parents were not ready to raise a child so everything I had to go through with my parents made me too grown up as well. But kids also need structure and discipline in order to grow up and be successful in society. I do not get being a "friend" to your kid and not parenting your own kid. I try let my skids just be kids but when they are out of line I have no problem letting DH know it and if he doesn't do anything about it then I do.

yeah! I mean we CAN have fun

yeah! I mean we CAN have fun together and do some stuff that friends do together, but my son is not my friend and never will be my friend. My steps are not my friends, though they might be one day, but that will be when they're grown up, moved away, completely not dependent on us and over 30, but even if we have a great relationship we may never have 'friend' status. Now even if we're in a fun activity, I have to be ready to turn into enforcer if I need to. And I prefer to correct on little stuff and move on than to get upset about big stuff.

Early on in our relationship I told SO that I never really dreamed about being a mom, but instead I wanted to be the crazy, bad aunt who led them astray and bought really noisy toys - a friend basically. I have a kid and no nieces or nephews (such is life). My SO said "maybe you can be like a bad aunt to my kids" - I was like "NO WAY!" - I am a parent and I can't not parent his kids when my son is around. A rule for one is a rule for all. I changed some of my rules to reflect that and so has my SO - tbh I am the one who has had to tighten up a bit on my kid. We have pretty much been living together for a year and his kids refer to us as a family and my SO and I are referred to as 'the parents' - as in I'm not my steps' parent, but I am a parent in the household and I have that authority. I have been with my steps all week without my son and I still act like a parent.

My ss11 is the same way. This

My ss11 is the same way. This weekend he raked all the crumbs that he got on my sheets towards the wall. I had just washed those sheets and they smelled so good. I love fresh sheets lol but anyways id asked dh to tell him he's only to eat at the kitchen table. He owes all over the toilet, slams the seat, and his underwear was so nasty my husband tied it in a bag. It's disgusting. Nothing ever last's with him. He goes back to the same behavior ignoring the rules and dh thinks it's my job to be the enforcer. I've tried to love him and treat him right but he doesn't respect my home and all the hard work I put into things. My dad was a disciplinarian and I'm not as strict as he was but i do instill respect love and values in my children. I'm accused of hating ss almost every visit. It does get tiring. It sounds like you're a good person and I wish you luck.

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My Boyfriend's Kids Are Lazy and Have No Discipline!

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