Poop
So it's my partner's weekend. Last night (Friday) my daughter came to me with her camera to show e picture s of her bathroom. Poop on the bath mat. Poop smeared on the shower floor. I called my partner and his daughter who is 9. I was shaking. In the past, I've addressed it with him so he could address it with her. But this time I was prepared to read her the riot act because he doesn't. He is gentle and sweet. Well she flat out denied it. I was so frustrated when he seemed to believe her I just threw my hands up and left. About 10 minutes after I left, she slowly began to cop to it. He had to keep interrogating her. Turns out WE WERE OUT OF TOILET PAPER. So instead of asking for some, instead of getting the detachable shower head and cleaning herself, instead of walking to another bathroom, she used her hands to wipe herself and then wiped the shit on the shower floor and bathmat. She says she washed her hands after but I don't believe she did or if she did I don't know for how long.
I'm about ready to lose my mind. I don't know what in my house is contaminated. I insisted that she have a consequence, not just for the act but also the lying, so he grounded her from her tablet.
He insists it's fetal alcohol syndrome. I told him I know a "fuck you" when I see one.
I can't be with him if this feral child is part of the package. I just can't anymore. I woke up with the headache of the century.
It's a holiday weekend and I asked him if he has the kids for all three days. He does.
I want to cry.
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You are not married and don't
You are not married and don't have any kids with this man - move out or have him move out. He can keep his own place where he sees his kids EOWE and stay with you in between if that's what works out.
But you should not have to deal with this crap (literal and figurative).
I would give him two options
one, get the child the help she needs. Period. She has obvious delays and needs to be evaluated and seen. Suspected FAS should have had her in services years ago, as a toddler, not nine years later. WTF is wrong with him? And most of those services would be free if he actually bothered to seek services. Or two, to get out and then you need to call CPS and both him and the mother for medical neglect. They are neglecting her by not seeking what she needs.
I've thought about taking my
I've thought about taking my daughter to stay in a hotel but I just can't afford that right now.
As for CPS, they have been called. He called a couple months ago. A month ago they concluded their investigation and found no evidence of neglect. His ex wife was irate and thought I had called. I was afraid she was going to do something to get back at me.
This child has fetal alcohol syndrome. Knowing that doesn't make it easier to deal with her shit. It does make it easier to not blame my partner.
He has tried to get her help but bio mom is a narcissistic cunt and doesn't want to look bad. Right now it's being handled through the legal system. It's harder than you think for a non custodial parent to get evening and weekend appointments for the doctor. Especially when money is tight. But he is trying. He's finally found a practitioner who will schedule Saturday appointments.
I just don't know if I can stick it out much longer. I don't know if she wants to change or how deep these fetal alcohol issues run. I don't know if she can be fixed. But as the parent of a special needs child, I know it's not always as cut and dry as people think. Shit gets really complicated.
It's not even about blaming
It's not even about blaming your SO, but about what you can and can't live with. This isn't a problem you signed on for, and as you said, it's not even a guarantee that she can BE helped. FAS causes brain issues, and those can't be changed. She may always be low-functioning, with major behavioral issues.
So it's not really about leaving him, but about getting yourself and your daughter in a living situation that is tolerable to you - even if you continue to be in a relationship with your SO.
ETA: Did they adopt this kid, or did BM drink enough to cause FAS?
How did you support you and your DD
Before you moved in with him?
As to him being tight for money, has he cut back playing with the band, and either gotten a second job or got CS adjusted.
Keep Poopy Fingers Away
From everybody and everything....Good Grief......I have never heard of anything so gross in my life...Besides being super disturbing, I dont think I would ever want that kid touching anything in my house- that has got to be totally unsanitary!!! I certainly would never let her help with dinner....YUK
I have trouble thinking this is real posting
I have trouble believing that someone allows this. And with her own child living like this. Can not believe that someone allows there SO play in a band and not bring enough money to support a household. Can not believe that rpthey did not get this child help she needs.
Come on, tell his to take his DD and move out. Find another place for her to poo up. Everyone gives tells her want to do, but she does not want to do that
People are only ready to
People are only ready to leave when they are ready to leave. No amount of internet support, real life support, hashing things out or living in hell will do the trick. It is simply when a person has truly had enough and ready to end things. I should know - I spent 16 long years letting my exH f*ck up my entire life.
OP you should make an exit plan and quickly. Although, when and if you're truly ready will be the timeline. Are you ready?
Friday night after the poop
Friday night after the poop smearing I had my partner go down and watch his daughter put on a Depend. She cried and sulked and said the problem was over. but in the end she wore one and she may have kept it on all night or she may have taken it off. I don't know.
Saturday night nobody made her put one on. This morning I woke up. My daughter complained that the room stunk. I went in there. Feral step was playing on her tablet. The bedding had been stripped. I picked it up. She immediately started apologizing. I yelled at her and asked her if she planned on saying anything or just leaving it there. Week after week after week we have told her that accidents happen but she needs to SAY something when they do. Week after week after week we have also told her to wear a Depend. I brought the blankets upstairs and was shaking and explaining to my partner again what had happened. He laid into her and she was crying. But she'll still do it again next weekend if I allow her over. She'll cry and apologize. But she will fucking do it again.
I'm at a hotel with my kids. We're hanging out at the pool and the weather is lovely.
I know I probably seem spineless to a lot of you but like Coooookies said, it takes time. I've made progress this weekend. I've had a real come to Jesus with my partner. I confronted him and told him I told him months ago that I didn't want joint custody and I told him how he ignored me and hoped I'd change my mind. because he did not want to hear that I did not want his kids. That was too hard for him to hear so he decided not to hear it. In this situation, I feel is fair for me to try that boundary because it is my house and I pay for all of the bills.
I told him he needs to start thinking of his plan for if I come to a breakdown a month from now. Will he try to get a place for himself and his kids? Will he move in with his mom? Will he let go of joint custody? Will he spent his kid weekends with his mom? the child support debt is crushing so realistically, he will not be able to get his own place unless he gets a very lenient judge who forgives the back child support. I'm told this is not likely to happen.
I've decided I'm okay getting full custody of his son but his feral daughter needs to stay with the mother who drank her this way. I won't clean up her mess. I won't have feces smeared on my bathroom walls. I will not continue to change her sheets as she refuses to wear a pull-up.
Does that make me a monster? I care little at this point. I need to hold on to my sanity. her mother is a horrible person but at least her mother loves her. As much as a narcissist can love someone. I have no love for her.
YOU are not a monster
YOu have been more than fair. You have your own DD to look after too. I would have been firmer with the one month deadline.
Fetal alcohol syndrome doesn’t last till you are 9
thats absurd!!
Disagree
FAS is a lifetime issue. Therapy and education can help the child deal with it (and I think this child needs it), but the child may always have memoray and cognitive issues, hyperactivy and poor motor schools.
Partner wants to fix his
Partner wants to fix his daughter. In fairness, that is probably what I would want if it were my child. But based on what I have witnessed, she has little desire to change. I think of her as brain damaged. I do not see him being successful.
His stated desire to help his
His stated desire to help his daughter is admirable, but he's not doing anything that says he means it. It's you finding poop, you cleaning it up (or making her clean it up), etc.
If he really wants to "fix" his daughter, he would parent her adequately. That means checking her Depends, waking her up at night to take her to poop and pee, making sure that she is seen by a doctor to treat this encopresis - but he doesn't do that. He lets this happen over and over and over again, and all he does is remind her to let someone know if she has an accident.
I agree with you, she is probably brain-damaged and cannot function like a normal 9-year-old. So if he wants to be Father of The Year for his DD/FAS kid, he needs to get off his ass and parent in the manner a kid like that needs.
I would not in 5 million years sign on to take care of someone else's damaged kid, unless it was for a salary. If he wants your "help" he needs to step up and be the parent his daughter needs.