You are here

1st Post

llanes10's picture

Hello everyone, 

My wife and I got married last year of 2019 and have been together for a total of 5 years. I have 1 boy of my won who is 5 years old and my spouse has 2 boys of her own a 6-year-old and 9 years old, each of her boys has a different dad. I walked into a relationship going from 1 to 3 kids right away and let me tell you it has been a ride. I am extremely in love with my wife and she is my best friend but oftentimes I really feel like she does not understand where I am coming from. I can not see myself without her and would love to spend the rest of my life with her. 

I will be honest here I had no idea what I was walking into. My stepson's dads are extremely difficult to deal with at times. Having to go through legal issues with the 6 years old dad. The 9-year-olds dad doesn't put much effort into seeing him, he often sees his son 1 every 4 - 5 months. My stepsons are very disrespectful to their mother and I, especially the older one (9 year old). 

For a total of 5 years, the nine-year-old constantly disrespects us. His mother hates it when I give her options of what type of discipline she should do. Our 9-year-old has ADHD and other disorders. He takes 4 pills each day to keep up with ADHD, anxiety and other disorders. He has had to go to a behavioral detention center for wanting to kill his 6-year-old brother. He actively gets suspended from school for disrespecting the teachers and students. He has had to go to a behavioral school for 2 years. He calls me names constantly and has hit me before. He tells me that he hates me all the time and I know I shouldn't take it seriously but after a while, it just gets really tiring. He constantly talks back at us, calls us names, really rude to his brothers. He has picked some of my own personal belongings and throw them on the floor. 

There is way more where that came from. I just feel like I have put so much time into my stepson (9-year-old) to build a good bond and in the end, I constantly get disrespected and her mother will often times discipline him but she gives him slack. I feel like we have tried EVERYTHING for him and getting into therapy and nothing seems to work. I am getting tired and have expressed my feelings to my wife and sometimes I feel like she really doesn't understand the other side of things. My boy is very loving and caring towards my wife. I am not just saying this because he's my son but he is the most well respectful kid in our home. I told my wife 1 time how if things would be reversed she would be blowing up as well. 

We argue many times because of what are nine-year does. When I put my foot down she gets angry at me instead of being angry with her son about how rude he was. I just feel so lost right now. I don't want our marriage to end because of this. EVERY single day he is just so aggressive and says and does disrespectful things.

Anyways, never expressed this online and hope to find any suggestions. I am just tired. 

Comments

llanes10's picture

On top of this. I hate that my son has to see al the rude behavorial that his step brother does or says. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I don't really have anything except that what you describe sounds like a nightmare. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Also (assuming you are male), please don't get her pregnant until things have calmed to a point you don't get hives at the thought of dealing with this forever. 

llanes10's picture

You are completely right. Getting her pregnant is the last thing on my mind. She has been wanting a kid because we don't have one together. I would loveee to have another kid of my own but the nine year old makes me change my mind right away. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

As screwed up as things are, she wants another kid??

That's a huuge red flag, sir. Please be sure to wrap it up.

CLove's picture

Most of the time, and you will see this as you read through other posts on this site, it seems like the main issues are the parents, and the fact that oftentimes they parent out of guilt, or refrain from parenting.

Your wife, shes not parenting, or she is feeling guilty about the divorce and gives him slack because, gasp! SS9 is a "child of divorce", so we must feel sorry for him.

Your wife could possibly get some advice by reading posts as well. If therapies are not working, and hes super agressive, perhaps you need something different. Something called "consequences to actions".

But if you are truly getting tired, and your wife is not backing you up on suggestions, and not allowing you to parent her child, then you must do something called disengagement. Read up on it.

Basically you must back waaaaaaaay off. Do not do anything for child. You cannot care more than the parents do. He has parents and they are refusing to parent him. Put all your energies into the kiddos that you are allowed to parent. Also, do not spend your money on child. Do not do any more than bare minimum. You have no authority? Well, then you do not need to feel responsible, either.

Thats my advice. I had a problem with the eldest daughter of my now DH, and I had to really disengage a ton. She was disrespectful and horrible to live with, and when she turned 18, she left. Now she is turning 21 soon, and has gone no contact. She lived with her mother and treats her mother like dirt, steals, and is dirty and lies, but she is no longer our problem.

Essentially, you cannot care more than the parents do. Period. If mom refuses to parent, then you must step back and allow this.

Harry's picture

This kid needs real help.  And even  with help he may not change.  Some kids just can not be fixed.  You have to deal with it the best you can. You may have to disengage from him.  And let DW handle him.