Dance classes and newborns
Evil stepmom here with baby girl (my first) about to be born early August, SD7 doing in person school and activities in the fall.
In my wickedness, I've requested that my husband ratchet down on dance classes for SD7 this year to weekends only. School runs will be enough for me to manage during the week.
Unfortunately we live just outside cottage county and biomom can't do weekend activities anymore because they bought a cottage and want to take SD there every weekend.
DH works outside of the city right now and can't rush back to pick SD up from school to cart her to activities.
We suggested SD7 do her dance (casual, non-competition) classes separately for the fall (weekday w/ Mom, weekend w/ us). Biomom thinks that is too disruptive at her age, and instead wants to pick her up from school on our weeks, take her to dance and wait for me to get there to give me her school bag, and then leave.
SD7 has some separation anxiety w/ her mom and I don't love the idea of our house's autonomy being disrupted midweek as it can be upsetting for SD to see her Mom and not get to go home with her. I also think this is going to be a disaster with a baby especially when winter hits.
What do I do? I'm angry I'm losing sleep over this as it's tough to come by these days.
"biomom can't do weekend
"biomom can't do weekend activities anymore "
Seems to me that she can do weekend activities but chooses not to ... That does not mean you should be taking up the slack. I suggest you decide on what you are willing to do and stick to that. I think you'll find that packing an infant into a car several times a day will get old very, very quickly (try doing that with a tired but sleeping baby and see just what kind of volume a tiny pair of lungs can produce ... not to mention the stress and how upsetting it is to see your baby cry and know that you caused the tears...) so do not make any allowances or special cases just to suit bm.
Bottom line, if BM cannot adapt to the schedule that you are willing to do then SD will just have to do without her dance classes entirely.
Above all, do not underestimate the amount of work and stress and lack of sleep that comes with having a newborn. Lack of sleep can be soul-destroying.
Why was this posed as a
Why was this posed as a question to BM from your DH?
"No, BM, I think you misunderstand. During her time at my house, she will only go to dance classes on the weekends. Just as you cannot accomodate weekends, I cannot accomodate weekdays going forward. You will not pick her up from school on my time and my wife will not meet you at the dance school. I have already told the dance instructor about this new plan and they are fine with it. This is not a discussion, just a heads up."
That's all he needs to say to her, and then he needs to never share any of your other plans about SD's time at your house.
IF your DH truly wants SD to go to dance during the week, he can pay another parent to take her, or speak to his supervisor about adjusting his work day so he can take her. If none of those are options, then she doesn't do it during the week.
You are not being
You are not being unreasonable. How many days a week does SD have activities? After a year of running around to skid activities,, I told my DH I was willing to have 1 day of activities during our time (we have SDs 6 and 8). This was whether I was taking them or he was, because it's a disruption either way. BM taking them on our time isn't even a consideration - we don't want her involved in our time. We have a 2/2/5/5 schedule, but I'd have the same limit if we had a week on/week off schedule, too. DH told BM one day only on our time, and she was free to take them to as many activities as she wanted on her own time, and that was that. Life is more peaceful without all the running around, and skids are fine with it.
If it's BM who is pushing more activities than you're willing to deal with, your DH needs to just tell her no and what you are willing to do. She is obviously imposing her own limits (weekends), so why shouldn't you? If he's the one pushing the activities, then he needs to figure out how to make it happen with no involvement from you. Hold firm - running around to activities with a baby/toddler is no fun.
Do not let BM horn in on your
Do not let BM horn in on your DH's custody time, and do not let them talk you into making these ridiculous trips in the car with a newborn. For dance class. I can't get over the entitlement of some of these bioparents. A fking newborn baby and they want you doing all that....
bought a cottage and want to
Unless BM has every weekend previously, DH should not give in to this. Even though you might enjoy the weekends with just the new baby, letting BM have every weekend is setting a dangerous precedent. DH needs to follow the CO. BM can take SD to the cottage on her weekends.
SD is 7. At seven one dance class a week is enough. SD will be back in school full time. No kid needs constant classes and activities. School, plus one activity, is plenty.
Thanks everyone. It's nice to
Thanks everyone. It's nice to know I'm only wicked in certain crowds. I like the tips and suggestions here and am feeling less guilty about our schedule preference already.
Why feel guilty? Sd is not
Why feel guilty? Sd is not your child. Your obligation is take care of your newborn as well as you can. And that means not putting them in and out of a car seat multiple times a day. When your baby is born, you will know what an absolutely horrendous idea this is. Why sacrifice your baby's wellbeing? What if baby is sleeping? Hungry? You need to preserve as much energy as possible for yourself and your baby. Stand your ground. It's not evil to want the best for your child. Why is BM not evil for wanting you to disrupt your baby's schedule? Unbelievable.
I'm willing to bet that those
I'm willing to bet that those who think you're wicked fall into two groups:
Right?
Something to definitely think
Something to definitely think about some infants do NOT do well in a car. My DS was miserable in a car & would scream at more then a 10 minute car ride as an infant. He was never able to sleep in a car - still can't.
Mine is 5 months and still
Mine is 5 months and still hates going in the car unless I time it with a nap. There is no way I would make her and myself miserable to take my SD to an extracurricular when neither rof her actual parents will do it.
I have 5 month old here and
I have 5 month old here and totally get you not wanting to not drive your SD around any more than is needed. A quick 10 minute trip without a baby becomes so much longer when you have to coordinate everything with the baby.
One thing to consider is online classes. My SD did some online classes this last year with COVID going on and enjoyed them, maybe you can find a dance class? It is of course not necessary and will involve some coordination on your part if your husband is not home to make sure SD is set up and online at the right time etc. We used outschool.com for the classes but I am sure there are other places to find them.
Thank you! This is a great
Thank you! This is a great suggestion!
My only question is WHY are
My only question is WHY are you doing school runs? It's not a SMs responsibility to make sure SKs get to school. That needs to be on your DH 100%. If he can't get his child to school, then SK needs to stay with BM. Plain and simple.
Our baby is 3 months tomorrow. All I have to say is that postpartum depression and anxiety are real. Take care of your newborn and your mental health first!
Depends on the custody, if
Depends on the custody, if they have split, then dad is responsible for transport on his time-whether he does it, someone he asks for help (typically a spouse). The only time it becomes BM's problem is if she is primary custodian and dad only has EOW/pays CS.
I don't know if the OP is working, but with a newborn maybe not and she would have the time to assist her husband in this manner. I'm all for limiting the dance classes and such, very good idea as it's too much w/the little one- but assisting with transport can be her way of contribution to the family and her marriage.
I'm also wondering why she can't take the school bus like every other child in the country. Maybe he needs to start setting that up instead. I say that because I realize it's a LOT more involved having to get a newborn ready twice a day for school -particularly if there's another mode of transportation.
I agree about school runs.
I agree about school runs. Are you in an area that doesn't have bus service, or do her parent not want her taking the bus?
Yea we live in a different
Yea we live in a different community and don't get bus service here, unfortunately.
A SP doing school runs, or
A SP doing school runs, or helping with homework, or doing any other parental task isn't the problem that people need to focus on and say SPs shouldn't do. The problem is when those things are demanded of the SP and there is no appreciation of the help.
If OP doesn't want to do school runs anymore, or she finds that baby can't do school runs because the car ride during school times is too much, she has every right to tell her husband she can't/won't do it, and he'll have to figure out care.
Even though we, as SPs, can choose not to participate in something, that doesn't mean there aren't consequences. Day care is costly, and that money is coming out of OP's household if she doesn't take and pick up SD from school. It may also means that OP becomes responsible for baby's expenses because DH is putting out more of his income. Also means DH may be home less to see both kids and help OP with the house because he works more to make up the difference. If the SK isn't a problem and the SO is showing appreciation for what is being done, then it may be best overall to do school runs (or whatever else is being asked).
All the above is why ...
... for 99% of us marrying someone with kids should be a hard NO. Of course from a charitable philosophical viewpoint we all want to be helpmeets for our DHs and of course we must care for all the world's children, we owe a debt to the future and all that. But when your own necessarily limited resources of time and money are diverted to the care and feeding of someone else's crotch droppings, loving and caring for all the world's children becomes a very unpleasantly practical matter.
'Biomom thinks that is too
'Biomom thinks that is too disruptive at her age'
And you doing school runs with a newborn isn't disruptive to the baby? Or to you? I think BM should be grateful for whatever you give her.
What I've noticed in what you posted is that bm and your husband seem to think that having a newborn isn't going to change your life nor living conditions. Or at least they seem to think they can convince you of that. They seem to think you're just going to have you baby and slide effortlessly into taking over their parenting responsibilities. What would they do if (heaven forbid) your baby got sick? If you had an emergency C-section? If you had an NICU stay? If you actually couldn't go and get their kids, not even with all of the good will in the world? What would they do? They both need to figure out a backup plan because it's not up to you to find one. How would they feel about their kids being left on the pavement because you couldn't be there?
There are so many variables that could come into play here. Don't let them saddle you with their problems. Don't sign up for anything until you see how life with a baby actually pans out for you.
Realistically, any family has
Realistically, any family has to make adjustments when a new baby comes along. If SD7 was your child and you had to cut back extra activities like dance for awhile because you had a new baby no one would call you an evil parent or say anything negative. It won't make a lick of difference to her development if SD has to miss or limit dance classes for awhile. She will be fine and still have plenty of opportunities to do such things in the future. It's unrealistic to expect the world to revolve around one child because her parents are not together. Your baby is not worth less than SD! If BM is dead set that her baby girl needs these classes she can take her on her time. This is stupid. Stand your ground.