How can I put this politely
My SD (8) biomom and stepdad seem to be obsessed with myself, my husband and my DD(2.5) doing things together for the sake of my SD. Specifically, they want us all to go to community events together (including the birth mom and stepdad), and keep inviting us over for BBQs.
My husband sends a disturbing amount of $ their way and as a result of that plus debt, they live in a massive brand new house, have shiny new cars, lots of toys, multiple pets. We are a lot more simple/restrained in our approach.
How can I respectfully say eff off to these persistent requests?? I genuinely don't think it's good for my kiddo to see her sister living this way and also think it's kind of weird for SD to see her Mom and Dad "getting along" (when behind the scenes Mom is just extremely manipulative of my husband)...the "we fought all the time" divorce explanation makes no sense when they apparently get along in person???
Or maybe I'm in the wrong here? I am trying to put myself in my daughter's shoes and think about longer term consequences...
What does your DH say?
I'm guessing your DH might be going along with this nonsense to avoid rocking the boat. I'm with you, it's not appropriate. To give BM the benefit of the doubt, she might think this is good for your SD, which I don't think it is.
I'd sit down with your DH and explain how you see things. It gives SD a false picture and makes you uncomfortable. It's possible to have a peaceful, civil relationship with BM and her DH without all the socializing. And, I'm hoping the money he shovels over is in accordance with the CS, not extra "guilt money".
Yes my DH would rather drown
Yes my DH would rather drown than rock the boat. Which is most of the problem.
Yes, you can decline. And should IMHO.
One way to counter the whole picture is to review the facts with SD and with your own DD in an age approprite manner. The girls should know how much your family provides to your DH's X so they girls know how it all works.
Your DW is obviously too young right now, but as she grows up... she needs the facts as well.
IMHO of course.
I think if biomom caught wind
I think if biomom caught wind of that all hell would break loose. How dare anyone explain reality to her child!!
Lies and manipulation exist when the facts are hidden.
Either SD knows the truth and has a chance to understand what she is dealing with regarding the manipulations her mother perpetrates towards SD, or.... SD has nearly zero chance of ever recognizing reality.
My SS-30 would come home from SpermClan visitaiton upset that his mom and I were mean, taking food away from his 3 younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs by "forcing" the SpermClan to pay CS, etc... So we introduced SS to the facts. As he grew older he would review the Custody/Visitation/Support files in or home office, he read the CO/etc... in detail. He had read the call logs, journals, listened to the ranting recorded telephone calls where the SpermClan would wail at his mother (my DW), reviewed the Spermidiot's arrest records, etc.....
He could then recognize when he was being lied to and manipulated. Ultimately he was able to protect himself from the lies and manipulations as he progressed through his teen on the visitation schedule and has been able to keep that part of his family under control as they occassionally continue to lie and manipulate in his adult life.
You don't owe them an
You don't owe them an explanation, just decline every.single.time.
How not hanging out with the ex is "rocking the boat"? I would tell your DH that this not how you want to spend family time and their needs to have boundaries with the ex.
Getting along when they happen to be at the same place is one thing, purposely hanging out together, is another.
"Getting along"
I dealt with the "getting along" mindset, mainly from SD61. I guess I understand the desire to see bio parents peacefully cooperating, with the aid of generous step-parents, for the good of the kids. Our reality was different from that picture in massive ways but I must have heard, "And, everybody gets along!" from her hundreds of times. If I weren't involved, I'd think it was poignant.
Just tell him
You don't want to see the person he was married to. You can't be friends with his ex lover. When he divorced her, He has to stop the Happy Family thing with her.
That is plain weird. My
That is plain weird. My parents were on good terms after the divorce. My mom and stepmother got along great. None of them hung out. The only exception was my graduation, my sister's wedding, dad's funeral, and the time leading up to my dad dying in the hospital. Mom came over after Dad's funeral but that was it. Other than that, they were the typical divorced parents who happened to keep it amicable. That in itself is probably considered weird. An ex is an ex for a reason. It's good to be amicable, but weird and unheard of to be bff's.
Sd clearly needs to he explained to by her dad that
Biomum abd stepdad are not your family of part of your inner circle and therefore you do not spend weekends and holidays together. My husband had to spell this out for his 24 yr old daughter because she repellent felt it was appropriate to make biomum and stepdad relevant to every conversation of ours it was ridiculous
after hubby told her he never wanted to hear about affair biomum and affair stepdaddy again, sd24 sulked for months and minimised contact but my husband acknowledged to sd that it was incredibly disrespectful to me and the 2 kids i had with hubby to repeatedly throw biomum and stepdad down our throats
You need to speak up
Which is something I have a hard time doing. I don't like conflict and my DH would move mountains to maintain a relationship with SD22 and grands, who live with BM. That equals hanging out at BM's when we go to visit (4 hours away).
I strongly suggest telling your DH that you're uncomfortable with it and that it may give the wrong impression to SD, who is young.
Even if it means you have to wean down to finally put an end to it, I'd start asap and decline the social invites. Maybe make exceptions for birthdays or big events if you're comfortable with it, but if there's not something big happening with SD, no need for everyone to have to get together.
Book a room at a resort and hit the spa while he is hanging with
SD and the GSKids. On the clear stipulaton that he spends zero time in the presence of his XW.
Just say "no"
complete sentence. No playing "happy family".