I'm frustrated with my 14-year-old SD and my DH. SD lives with us 99% of the time, as does her little brother, SS (9-year-old). DH and I also have a little one together, who is 13 months old. And we are expecting our second, in about a month. We get no money from SD and SS's bio-mom.

Relationships have always been good between me and SD; she hasn't had resentment toward the baby, nor toward the upcoming new baby. She loves them and likes being the big sister. The worst relationship in the house is probably between SD and SS -- SD is always mean to him, orders him around, takes his stuff, screams at him if he uses anything of hers, etc.

My problem is this: money is tight around here. We run our own business, and we are counting our pennies. SD has always taken dance classes (since she was three, when her parents were together and had lots of money). The classes are expensive; she has two a week, and there are multiple costume fees, competition fees, etc. The further along she has gotten in her dance, the more expensive her classes have gotten. She now insists on taking solo/private lessons, and we are paying upwards of $150 a month for just the classes. In addition, now she is wanting to go to more school events, friends' activities, movies, dances, games, etc., and buy friends birthday gifts, etc. I don't begrudge her activities, but it just keeps going up and up. She shows no interest in earning money for her own activities, even though we keep suggesting it. She has a horse and we pay a trainer weekly to come out and train the horse and work with SD. Nobody else in our family has so much of the monthly budget going toward their desires. And if I balk at anything, or we suggest she try to earn some money to pay for part of her activities, she just goes to her grandmother to complain, and then we get a lecture from my MIL.

SD refuses / *forgets* to do chores around the house; she conveniently forgets anything of importance; she tells us about things at the last minute that are *required* for school or dance or whatever. She comes home from school with friends and they proceed to clean out the fridge.

So, the setup is this: she gets everything she wants. She doesn't have to do anything. I ask her for the slightest favor (could you please bring up the dry clothes and put the clothes in the washer into the dryer?) and she *forgets.* Not to mention she pouts constantly unless she is getting her way.

Her little brother, my SS, is awesome. He is helpful. He doesn't ask for much of anything. He is always cheerful. He works for his dad, for the business, to earn money to buy things he wants. He only has one activity that he goes to at the Y, and it is relatively cheap.

My 13-month-old is too little to be much trouble. I don't buy her anything except absolute necessities, because we can't afford it.

I don't get myself anything but absolute necessities for the same reason.

For some reason, my SD gets all the perks and has no responsibilities, and I just can't see it improving. She is getting older, wanting more things, and wanting to do less and less for them. I can't seem to get DH to finally decide to let her learn what it means to earn something, or help out, or just be part of the family. We talk about it, and we kind of agree that she needs to earn some of her own things -- we have told her that if she wants to go on the class trip to Washington DC next year, she has to earn it herself. There are lots of ways for her to do so, and we've outlined them, and her teachers have offered all kinds of ways to earn the trip -- but she is really avoiding thinking about it or doing anything about it.

My feeling is: if you don't earn the money, you don't go. But I'm sure she's thinking that someone, somehow will bail her out, if she doesn't do it. And I feel, maybe even unfairly, that I hope she doesn't get bailed out by her grandmother. I am not going to allow DH to bail her out. But I just know it's going to roll around, and she won't have the money, and everyone will feel sorry for her again. I almost wish she would have to miss the trip, as a consequence -- maybe she would learn something. But then I'm the big meanie, because no one else wants her to be disappointed.

Do I need to just let this go, and try to get over it? I don't think it's fair -- she is not the only person in the family.

Sigh.

Lettuce