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She thinks he left for me

kimchisquash's picture

My boyfriend waited 3 years before telling his daughter we were dating. I advised against this, but we can't rewrite the past. Over the holiday, she cyberstalked me and discovered a post from 3 years ago that gave away a scenic spot only he could have shown me. She blew up and was full of accusations.  It was our first vacation together. Even though she was kind and engaged, I could tell she was struggling and trying really hard. 
 

Now she has nothing but harsh words for him and refuses to talk. She is 19. The whole thing is just devastating. And even though she's an adult, she really isn't ready to understand that a man doesn't leave a 30 year relationship to date another woman.  He leaves because it's been over for a very long, lonely time. 
 

I don't know what to do right now. And I just feel profoundly lonely. I'm on my second week of vacation now, with my family and without him. And I'm really just trying to hold it together. 

ndc's picture

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Miss T's picture

"I guess I have to remind myself that this wasn't a mess I made and it's not my job to clean it up."

Excellent advice you've given yourself there. Your partner evidently has a wacko kid and you want to be a supportive partner when the going gets rough, so let him lean on you. But I'd be a little cautious. Something about his claims and behavior doesn't quite pass the smell test.

Good luck.

kimchisquash's picture

If I hadn't been involved in the adult versions of all these discussions with so many parties. Mediators, therapists, BM...

I've never understood them as parents 

Hesitant to try's picture

and I'd give her/them some time. I totally understand you feeling badly for him and it's hard when it feels like you're the reason they're relationship is bad right now, but it's not! It's bad because she's struggling with something -- a late reaction to the divorce? A phase of life reaction to realizing her Dad loves another woman and it's going to stick? Hard to know.  But it's nothing you did. If she's just angry about the lying, I'd think that would pass after some time to get over it.

I hope he doesn't try to start making it up to her or winning her forgiveness in an unhealthy way. There is so much of that on this site - Dads trying to win back the love of their kids. It can get ugly, manipulative, etc. I hope that isn't where he heads.  Like MissT said, let him lean on you and give him support and strength and understanding. But don't let him start falling for any manipulation.

My partners daughter has only gotten worse over the 2.5 years we've been together. In the beginning she probably thought I was a passing fancy for her recently divorced dad, but the longer we stayed together the worse her reactions have gotten. At this point, she's cut off all contact (unless she needs something, which is rare these days). In her mind, I think she thinks he's suffering without her and I guess she's hoping that after a while, he'll give me up or something?? No idea.