Yes, I think it's important to remember that marrying someone doesn't automatically make you parent or grandparent of their kids/grandkids - it's really up to the parents of the kids whether they choose to see you a grandparent. 4 years really isn't very long in the scheme of things.  If you all get along well, then just keep building the relationships and don't worry about titles.

My FIL has been with my SMIL for 7 years now. My SS9 calls them "Grandpa and SMIL's first name." There is nothing wrong with that because my SMIL is not SS' grandma. 

Just because you don't carry the grandparent name doesn't make you any less important, nor does it mean that you won't get to do the fun things that grandparents get to do, if you and the skids, are open to it. You married your DH when skids were grown, so it makes sense not to acknowledge you as a mother/grandmother figure. 

I have been in my SS' life since he was 10 months old. He is now 9. He does not remember his life without me in it. He does not call me "Mom" or anything of the sort. He calls me by my first name and does not acknowledge me on Mother's Day. I prefer it this way because I am not his mom, BM is. It doesn't make me any less of a stepmother or stop me from doing motherly things for SS when he is with us. At the end of the day, it's just a title. 

I will never understand this. I am so glad that my kids are loved by their SM, her parents, aunts and uncles. It is just more family. The step-grandparents were very respectful and asked what nicknames had been taken, but they have their own- Nonnie and Pop's. 

I don't know what will happen when SS16 has kids one day, who knows if he will even talk to DH or I. SS21 shouldn't have kids (he has a lot of issues and won't ever live on his own). 

I am sorry that you are being pushed aside like you are. To me you don't have to "earn" a title. Grandma's spoil and love. You are married to Grandpa, that makes you (Insert nickname). That's what you want to do. It's sad that an adult can't just appreciate you and is still hung up her parents not being together. Honestly I would sign those cards however I wanted. They don't like the card, they can return the gift too. Explain to their child that they are too petty to "allow" you to be call ____. 

Well, on the one hand it is just a name, and it's not what truly matters.  On the other hand, I do think the name can be indicative of how the overall relationship is being handled.  Ultimately, that's what is important.  If the kids call you by your first name but accept you, respect you and treat you well, I'd call that a win and wouldn't worry about what you're called.  If you're treated by the adult skids and their children as an afterthought and are excluded from family events or made to feel unwelcome, then it doesn't matter what they're calling you.

I don't buy the explanation that it'll confuse the children.  Case in point - aunts and uncles.  I call the women who are married to my parents' brothers "aunt," and I call the men who are married to my parents' sisters "uncle."  Nothing about it is confusing to me, and I don't recall being confused as a child, regardless of when the marriage took place .  By the time I was school aged I understood which of my aunts and uncles were blood relatives and which ones weren't.  It didn't really matter; I loved them all.  

This is a different kind of step situation, but my skids (currently 6 and 8 ) always called my parents by their first names.  They knew my parents for a few years before DH and I married; that's what they called them when we were dating and that's what they continued to call them.  However, now that DH and I have DD, we routinely refer to my parents as Grandma and Grandpa and the skids have started calling them Grandma [firstname] and Grandpa [firstname] on their own.  I suspect as time goes on it'll switch to just Grandma and Grandpa, as they have different names for their other grandparents so there could be no confusion.  BM has no objection and interestingly, has referred to them as Grandma [firstname] and Grandpa [firstname] to the skids since the day DH and I married.  I suspect she thinks that's more respectful than referring to them by just their first names, and she also wanted the skids to call her new husband's parents Grandma and Grandpa.  So I think a lot of it has to do with the bio parents and what they want, and if the bio parent doesn't want you called Grandma, it's harder.  But it's possible the kids will eventually call you Grandma whether the parents encourage it or not.

Finally, if you *are* being excluded, I would not treat the children as grandchildren.  That means no presents from you, no special treats, no babysitting, etc.  Let your husband handle anything related to his grandchildren.   Be kind to them, of course, but if your husband's daughter doesn't want you to be a grandmother to her kids, they don't get the benefits of that relationship.

My son calls my stepmom grandma but I'm the only skid who has chosen to do so. Neither of my siblings call her that with their kids, and she doesn't treat anyone any different. I *think* it's hard because we expected our mom to be grandma and she died suddenly, and eve though titles are meaningless ultimately, I felt protective of the word at first too. In the end, I realized that the more people who loved my kid, the better, and really embraced my stepmom as grandma. All of which to say, none of it was even about my stepmom, who was nothing but kind. It was totally about us skids and the stuff we were working through. Offer the grand kiddos love and be "sally" and if it grows or the skids come around, great. But if they don't, know that it isn't personal and not a failing on your part.

You marry into families. Family honorifics have traditionally been passed to spouses. You have the right to use or not use them, but the genealogical relationship exists.

I picked my user name for a reason. Before, when, and after gskids birth, Step son-in-law and SD have emphasized I am not "grandma" but first name. It hurt, but it is their choice. I will respect that. They made the choice, and now I make my choice.

If they want the kids to call me by my first name as if I were Grandpa's live-in or one of the lower servants in Victorian times, they can. Cards and gifts come from Grandpa only. I do not sign, or allow DH to sign, my first name on anything. Grandpa can't babysit -- so sorry. You have told me over and over you only let relatives watch your kids, I would not want you to violate your tenets. 

I am kind to them when they are here. I will help DH select gifts. But, I am not grandma and the benefits that flow from grandma do not arrive.

Every family reacts differently. Honorifics traditionally are passed to spouses. My first husband is deceased. His nieces and nephews visit during holidays and still call me aunt. They call DH uncle.

I was on the opposite side of the coin you are.  When my OSD was going to have a baby at 22 yo.. I had been with her father and married to him for over 20 years.. I was in her life from age 9 on.  My MIL is all giddy about the impending bundle of joy and I'm over at their house and she was "what is your grandmother name going to be??"  I looked at her like she had 2 heads.. I reminded her that I was NOT going to be a grandmother.. that I never had kids.. so how could I be a grandmother.. and certainly I was too young to be one.. (just being kind of joking about it).. She goes on that she thinks I should go by "bubby".. I am like WHAT the heck lady.. if I WERE going to pick a name it sure as heck wouldn't be BUBBY.. 

Said baby is now 4 and calls me a shortened version of my name.  

I don't have a bad relationship with OSD.. she is not necessarily my kind of person.. but for the most part.. we got through the years we were together with most of our relationship on a civil/friendly basis.  But, just because I am married to her dad.. doesn't mean I am a grandma.  I'm just not a huge kid person and really didn't have a huge desire to be knee deep in the heady smell of dirty diapers like my MIL is.   

My MIL really looked like I punched a puppy.. but that doesn't mean I hate the kid.. just that I don't need to have that level of relationship with him.. and that's ok.  

So, in your case OP.  You had no parental relationship with this his kids.  They were all raised by the time you came on the scene.  I know you were hurt because they didn't wish you a HMD.. but honestly, there is no real reason why they need to view you in that bucket.. that doesn't mean they HATE you or anything.. but being Dad's wife is probably just fine and I wouldn't push to have more of a relationship with them than they are able or willing to reciprocate.  They don't need or want a mother in you and it isn't personal I don't think.  

The same with the whole "grandparent" name thing.  I didn't want one.  A name doesn't confer any special right or privilege in this case.  You may stil have every chance to get to know the kids.. but they aren't your grandkids.  and to an extent, the woman may be trying to gatekeep a bit on behalf of her mom and MIL so that they don't get their nose out of joint.  They might not appreciate you trying to somehow steal some of THEIR thunder. 

Honestly, the best thing for you to do at this point is to stop putting your expectations on these people.  Try to not have any preconcieved notion of how the relationships should be.. how they should develope.. the closeness or distance that may naturally develop.  Get to know these people.. as well... people.  Let them know you as a person as well.  Don't frame it in mother/grandmother roles.. just frame it as partner to their father and if they are important to him.. you will try to have a good relationship with them.. on an adult level.. 

We just had a post about a woman upset that her Ex's GF was calling herself stepmom.. so many loaded meanings to these terms... and honestly, you have to understand that these adult children are treading their own tightrope between their mother.. other relatives and your husband and you.  Placing expectations on them that they may not be able to fulfil may strain your attempt at a relationship vs fostering it.

Urgh sorry posted this on wrong post

They may well see things differently to you, but it doesn't mean they dislike you or are trying to be offensive. Rather than seeing you as' family ' they may see you as their dad's wife, so of course that comes with not quite the same treatment.

They have their own mother in the picture, and they may not want to offend her. But it may be more than likely that they just didn't think of you, being so busy with enjoying mothers day, as mothers, and with their mothers. I guess if it even crossed their mind they would assume your own daughter wished you happy mothers day so not their place to or no need 

You said your daughter wishes her sm happy mothers day? That's very lovely of her, and I assume as your daughter is still a child the sm has had even if a very small maternal role? Whether it just be feeding her a meal or much bigger? The difference here is that you have only been in there life 4 years and they were already adults. They may simply see you as the nice lady who makes their dad happy. 

"I just wasn't raised to leave a family member out and not acknowledge them." When I was raising my DD21 (also DH's) my SD31 was literally trained by BM to exclude. I was the main target. I wanted to raise my DD differently. I openly and loudly and repeatedly in front of my SD, taught DD that inclusion is an action word. It's not a state of heart. It goes beyond that. You could want to include a person, but they may not "feel" it or know it unless you speak words and take actions. My SD gave birth 6 months ago and no matter how many times I said how much I adored SGS, she just says, "me too." She will never say the words I need to hear and I let it go because I know how she was raised. She and BM are horrible creatures who taught exclusion and used Relational Aggression techniques as if they invented them. It's unreal. 

Try to accept that your SKs were not raised like you were. Maybe you can model it and teach it to your DH.  Or just make sure you continue that with your DD. 

I'll tell you something. When my SD was pregnant, I swore I would not love the baby. I would guard my heart. That didn't work. I adore him. I figured that was dangerous because SD could cut contact, but I figured that she can't stop me from what my heart does no matter what. I love SGS and she can't stop that. I can still love him from afar. I will love him and continue my relationship with him as long as he's around and I bet you dollars to donuts that when he's older, he'll see me differently from the way his mother does. If he doesn, then he can't control my heart anymore than SD can and I can still love him. 

Something else that really helps is that I require that my DH be inclusive of me. I had a very frank convo with him many years ago and again recently in counselling and told him that while he can't force his kids to demonstrate inclusive actions towards me, my bloody husband sure can. And I don't mean when it comes to him seeing his kids. I mean he must demonstrate to me that I am HIS family. The more he does that, the more immune I am to my SD being the cold-hearted, exclusionary bitch that she is and the less I care about what she does. My DH demonstrates inclusion to me everyday. I need to feel totally included by my husband in my marriage. It took a long time to figure out what I needed and a long time for me to articulate that, but we're getting there. DH's demonstrated inclusion of me helps a ton. It makes a world of a difference. It literally makes me immune to my SD's relational aggression and failure to meet my needs when it comes to including me in SGS's life. I also love that she can't control my heart. I can adore SGS all I want. Hopefully, you can speak frankly with your DH and that he's not the gaslighting type who puts the onus on you. Don't be afraid to require your inclusion needs to be met by your DH and in your marriage. Tell him to fork over the inclusion to you. It helps a ton.

I love my SGs. But they call DH and me "Papa and Merry." Doesn't bother me a bit. The hugs and kisses are the same. I wish the grands would have come up with their own name for me, but that didn't happen.

Still, I am not in the same Grandma Prime category as SD's own mother and MIL. It's an awkward dance at best.

Hang in there.  It’s hard, but try not to take it personally.  Just be yourself.  You’re so blessed to have your daughter!

No one picks what GSkids or GK will call you except you.  Shut this shit down now.

How about Emi?  My parents have entirely unique names that their GKs refer to them by.  Make up your own entirely unique name that makes you unique.  Have fun with it.  I would.

My step grandchildren don't call me anything at all.  My DH refers to me as grandma around them.  The skids call me by my first name and will say to the grandskids here take this to "no name" or take this over and give it to "her".  I just don't worry too much about it.  I sign the cards from Grandpa and Grandma "No Name".

I kind of just go with the flow with grandskids.  I will refer to myself by the same name that my bio grandchildren refer to me.  If the skids don't like it, oh well.

My bio grandchildren refer to me as Grandma no name as they have so many grandma's and great grandma's we all have our first names following the word grandma.  I am OK with that.  The kids made it up and we all just went with it.

After so many years of this step torture I just kind of not give too much of myself to any of them because it is not reciprocated and I would always feel hurt and resentful.  It is not in my nature but I keep telling myself over and over "don't do it, don't buy it " etc when it comes to the steps.  Yes, like the other's I am just DH's wife.

Honestly, we had this issue in our family when my cousin married a single woman and her two kids. They made a nice blended family, but the rest of us, who rarely saw them as they lived far away, didn't really consider the woman and kids our family. We barely knew them. Yes, we were cordial but we didn't have history or bonds in place. I was glad for my cousin to have met them, but why am I forced to make something that is not with them? We were respectful and would open our gifts to each other before they arrived on Christmas day, we did not attempt to rub it in their faces of how close we were but we did not pretend to be something we were not with them when we were together. It would be so fake.  

You have been around four years. Your stepkids are adults. They have bonds in place for yearsssss before you came along. You will survive this if you understand that relationships take yearsssss to develop. Be patient. Be you. If it's meant to fall in place, it will. But I would not be offended to not have a "title" in the family. 

In my honest opinion a name is just a name.  It means jack to me.  It doesn't validate you as a person, it doesn't make you any more or less important.  
I'm the opposite to you, I would vomit if I got called anything 'granny' related!.  I'm not their grandparent and have no desire to be seen as such.  I would not feel comfortable at all with it.    I agree with Rags, only you should decide what you want them to call you. Don't get so hung up on a 'title' - it means nothing.  I think it's much nicer to use your name or some nice variant of it - you still retain your identity that way too.  
The harsh truth is they may never truly see you as 'family' anyway and craving that will only ensure your continued unhappiness.
 

My 20yo SD had her baby girl in November.  DH was upset about her pregnancy because she's so young,  also married her BF in October and lived with his family until recently (they all live about 4 hours from us, and so does BM). I felt confusion around my role and who I was to this baby,  after all we are all pretty young to be grandparents. After the baby was born we were all together, DH, myself, BM, and father of baby's mom and step-dad, and assorted aunts and uncles). We were talking about  grandparent names and I was basically  assigned one, and not the one I would have chosen, but I'm not about to balk at it or do something they could consider rude.

Fast forward several months and what I can tell you is that despite having a grandparent name, I'm seldom acknowledged.  On video calls SD will say something like "hi, Grandpa, baby misses you!" And I'm ignored.  I'm somewhat acknowledged when gifts I've chosen arrive. And I really shouldn't have expected more, based on the relationship I've had with SD. I came into her life when she was 14 and its been rather superficial. Being a skid myself,  I get it. I've never tried to be her mom but I hoped for a warm friendship over time. I've always just gone along with whatever. 

With the SGD, I think she will feel more like I am a part of her family because I will have been in the picture since she was born. I will continue to choose and send gifts, despite SD being the way she is....the gifts are for the baby and I also know it helps SD because don't have the means right now.

Whether the baby calls me by my name or my assigned grandparent name, either way, I just hope to have a good relationship with her as she grows up. A lot of that will depend of what her mom and others there tell her about me, but at the end of the day, I know I've tried. 

Over time this may change...the baby us not even a year old yet, so we'll see how it goes. Just roll with the punches,  as long as you're not disrespected.  You can define your level of involvement and your role,  regardless of your title.

Pick your own GP name.  Or work it out with the GSkid as she gets older.

I can relate...sort of....

SD had a baby last year and I was basically assigned a leftover grandparent name...Gigi...but I really wanted to be a Mimi...it fits with my first name better.  BM is  Nana and the other biological grandmother is Mimi. I have felt down that I'll be stuck with Gigi because my children don't have kids yet (they are 22, 17 and 10).  But after this year of thinking about  it, when my kids have kids, I'll just have a different name.

To be honest,  I don't feel like a grandparent in any way other than buying gifts...I've been married to my husband 5 years ans we've been together 7. SD was only 18 when she had her baby and we live about 4 hours away.