Not sure how this works
Not how sure if another post is the best place to answer yalls questions but here yall go!
First of all, thank you all the responses to my previous posts. I'm not crazy and these feelings are normal and knowing there are others who GET IT is amazing.
Someone mentioned therapy. My DH and I are actually in marriage therapy. We have been for a few months now. That's why I mentioned that we have been practicing communicating better.
My DH realized that I was beginning to disengage from the skids and it was one of the very first things that he wanted to address in therapy. Using our therapists advice we wrote down what each of us thought a step parents role should look like. To say that our expectations were different is an understatement. His list was LITERALLY "treat them as your own". That's it. What??
I acknowledged openly in therapy that that is not possible. I have my own child now. Before he was born I didn't understand what it meant to love a child "like you own" but now that I do, I KNOW I can't do that with the skids and bless my therapist, she explained to my DH that his expectations were unrelealistic because I will never be able to have the same level of connection with the skids that he and his ex have. He understood and accepted the compromise that I while I wouldn't treat them like my own, I would provide for them and engage with them.
We all sat down as a family and wrote up a whole family board of rules, responsibilities and consequences that every person was expected to follow and abide by. We use a reward system for chores, like choosing desserts for the week or hanging out with friends. Age appropriate for each child. Money is only rewarded for GOOD grades. Money is deducted for failing ones. There is no such thing as an "allowance" and it has been made clear that I'm not the maid.
I have pushed this consistently. My DH has not. The big thing for me was to use the consequences that we laid out (warning, writing sentences, taking electronic privileges, etc last resort is spanking) rather than jumping straight to yelling at the skids and spanking them. I was raised that way and it sucked. Don't get me wrong. Some kids need to be spanked, but not for EVERY LITTLE THING.
The problem with his lack of consistency is that when I follow the guidelines I come off as weak. "Oh stepmom is just gonna warn me or make me write sentences so no big deal" so they act up and then the moment DH is around they straighten up because they know he'll go straight to yelling and spanking. So they never get that sense of " oh im being punished when stepmom takes my electronics because that's what dad does too". Its tumultuous and loud and I find myself hiding out in my room after my son goes to bed.
Additionally I will say it's hard to see my DHs dismissing my feelings as emotional abuse. Does it hurt? Yes. Do I think he does it intentionally to hurt me? No. And to call it abuse of any kind to me would require intent. I think it's more of a lack of empathy and understanding. I grew up a skid myself. I had MULTIPLE stepparents with both my mom and dad. I know what I liked and didn't like about my stepparents and their level of involvement and I advocate for that middle ground on behalf of myself and the skids. My DH however has never been on that side. His parents have been married for over 30 years. So has his ex wife's parents. And they only have bio children. Neither ever married or even dated ppl with their own children. So neither of them know the trials of being a skid OR a stepparent. I can see when the skids are being manipulative or intentionally difficult because I recognize it from when I used to it unfortunately. I've told my DH that specifically. "They are acting like I did when I didn't get what I want etc" and his response is that they are just being kids and I'm over thinking it and I'm taking it too personally.
I'll stop for now. I just thought that based on yalls comments yall needed more info. Hopefully this clears some stuff up. I will say that tmrw we have another therapy appt and I'll bring up his remark and his inconsistencies. We'll see what comes of it.
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Comments
Most bio parents, want SP
To love there kids, like those kids are there own. To take a bullet for SK. That the way they feel, they think that the way you should feel. But no matter what you do, or the amount you do. Even if it's more then other bio parent It's never enough.
They forget all the adult time they had before the kids. Free weekends, being able to make plans, with out going through a song and dance. Being able to go to Mickey D. With out a babysitter ect.
You have a major problem, with DH. You are going to therapy, comming up with a good plan and he isn't following it. IDK where you go from there.
"Love them like your own"
This is completely unrealistic! You cannot "love them like your own", because its a different kind of love. You have differing responsibilities, as a step parent and differing levels of authority. They have parents to "love them like their own", and you are not it.
The children certainly do not treat you like their own parent. They certainly do not "love you like their own" parent. The bond is not there.
SO, he needs to get over that!
Was this ".....I would
Was this ".....I would provide for them and engage with them..." outlined specifically? What does this mean? Certainly not just comuing up with and enforcing rules/consequences? And rules/consequences mean nothing when given by a SM who has no real authority granted by the parent - undermining and minimizing is taking away your authoirty.
When DH told me over and over "they are just being kids" I stepped back. Every single time he undermined me in anything then I disengaged from that thing (sometimes it took him saying it several times which is fine - it allowed me to really determine what he would and would not 'accept" from me as an adult in the house). OK, you don't want me to do that any more, you don't want help, then ok you are on your own.
Honestly, I just get so sick
Honestly, I just get so sick of hearing about these men (and women, to) who expect their partners to love someones else kids as their own.
Back in the day, and I mean BACK in the day, that is what "step mother" meant. A woman married a widower and basically agreed to raise his child as her own. That is not the situation that most of us are in, or agreed to.
Would I have taken a bullet for my SD? Probably, because she was a kid (she is now 29) and that would have been my instinct, to step in front of a child, had someone shot at them. Did I/do I love her as my own? No. Do I want bad things to happen to her? No. Do I feel it's my problem to solve if they do? No.
Regardless, loving your steps as your own is not even the issue, here, it's the horrible behavior that your step kids are allowed to get away with. That is the problem and, again, that is on your husband. I am sure you will not let your child get away with what your steps get away with, so, again, sick of the "love them as your own" bullshit, most people are harder on their own kids than the steps.
He may not be intentionally hurting you by dismissing your concerns and feelings, but he's still a jerk for doing so.
To excuse their horrible behavior by saying that they are just being kids is a cop out. And frankly, insulting to normal behaving kids and to you, as if your standards are too high because you don't condone the lying, the stealing, the disrespect, and the hitting of your son.
Some men just want a
Some men just want a replacement mother to their children as quickly as possible and cannot understand why another woman won't love their children like her own. To his day I cannot get my SO to understand that I care about his children but I will never be their mother or love them as such nor should I be expected to. Instead he chooses to think that I don't like them. My SO wants the fairy tale thinking it should be like the Brady Bunch but he doesn't understand that is fiction and not real. Your SO sounds similar; it sounds like he is desperately trying to recreate the first family and the closeness that comes from having that nuclear centre of a BM and BD. From what you describe he sounds frustrated that you won't fall into line and just be happy with having his fabulous children in your life. I bet he also says that he wants "everyone to just get along".
Honestly, I think the best thing would be to surrender and agree that you are both coming at it from two different points of view and it is what it is. And then focus on the good things you have in your relationship - shine the spotlight on something else that is really great in your life together.
I think the best thing would
I think the best thing would be to surrender and agree that you are both coming at it from two different points of view and it is what it is.
That might be fine, EXCEPT, her step kids lie, steal, are disrespectufl, and hit her toddler. She does not have to just accept that, nor should she.
For men it seems that "treat
For men it seems that "treat them like your own" means "parent them like a boom" AKA do all the hard parenting work for me! Take over that "women's work."
I think remarried guys all need to face the reality check that they are no longer in an intact family where the wife is going to take care of all the kids. HIS kids are his responsibility. You can help but he should be thankful because you aren't their mom, they have a mom and a dad. What you do is VOLUNTARY not OBLIGATORY.
"Love them like your own"
"Love them like your own" really means to do the work of parenting and make sacrifices for them like they are your own. But, when it comes down to control over custody, visitation, school, medical, and discipline - "Whoa! Take a big step back. Don't overstep! They have 2 parents and you aren't one of them! You won't replace their mother. You don't have the legal right to make these decisions!" And, my personal favorite response to trying to discipline or set behavior standards: "You just hate my kids!" They want to replace the other parent with the SP, but it isn't possible. This is a type of delusion. The bioparent will have to get over this and accept reality for things to work.