SS19 graduation and his bio family

Forums:

First let me say I have a good relationship with SS19 and his brother SS22 (launched already). For various reasons BM is not my favorite person and hanging out with her is very annoying as she talks non stop and we can never have a halfway intelligent conversation. Plus she prances around like MOTY but does NOTHING for her kids except be their friend. DH and myself got him out of his failing grades so he will graduate on time. I'm the one who helped raise both stepsons (dealing with all the teenage stress and responsiblities including guardianship/custody during DH deployment, not her) for the last 10 years as BM lived far away and rarely visited and no financial support. I refer to my fiance as DH since we basically function as a married couple.

At other milestone events I attended with DH and stepsons bio family, I went because of stepsons accomplishments I am proud of and to support DH. Yet each time ended up feeling miserable full of anxiety (and feeling like it is a big slap in the face to me to be around adult SD who humiliated me in the past). SD is 20something, I don't keep track anymore. SD was a complete A$$hole to me at 19 because her Dad made me a priority, then when supposed to apologize years later refused to apologize to my face (as DH and I asked for). Instead she wrote me a long letter (it was a "poor me I'm a victim and thats why I was awful to you" kind of letter) and refused to do anything else...she was essentially doing her way only and was rude and condesending showing no remorse for how foul mouthed and nasty she had been to me prior. Long story I don't want to re-live, but I ended up feeling humiliated by her non-apology and condesending attitude when I said a one-sided letter is not what I asked for (her snotty condescending attitude was pretty awful and very disrespectful) when I had thought she was going to make amends and show remorse but she did the opposite. She thinks her written lies and entitled nonsense were an apology. I had only agreed to contact her for DH sake to try to work things out with SD and it ended up humiliating me. Worst feeling ever. Since that blew up with her still awful attitude, DH does not allow her at our home and has a strained relationship with SD (who lives far away now near BM).

I am feeling extremly stressed & anxious as well as depressed and angry at the thought of another event where I would be hanging out with them and not sure how I can handle it. Originially I was hoping not to be there due to ticket limit, but limit was increased! I'm guessing DH will want to sit with SS22 during graduation cermony (to share this special event) since he is coming into town for a visit who will in turn want to sit with his mom and sister. However SS22 is staying with us for a few weeks so he, SS19 and DH will have lots of time together, to include both stepsons joining our beach vacation and wedding ceremony which is happening soon.

I am embarassed to say as a grown woman the thought of sitting near them and watching interaction with SD and DH (her manipulative baby voice and annoying childish conversations to play up to Daddy). At the same NOT attending so they can play happy family much to the delight of step kids makes me feel like crap also. I feel like it will suck for me no matter what.

Would it be reasonable to ask DH to sit ourselves separately for the ceremony and SS22 could go sit with his Mom and sister? They can all meet up for graduation pictures after the ceremony...I can easily step away at that point if I find myself uncomfortable or getting upset. I really don't want to be stuck for an hour long ceremony seated near BM and SD where I will feel trapped and stressed. After all these years I've had my fill of "sucking it up" for everyone else's sake since something crappy would always end up happening to make me regret my efforts (like a pouty ungrateful SS that suddenly gets an attitude, or just being ignored and treated like an outsider, or SD saying something stupid and trying to "pee on her territory"). I'm usually a very outgoing and social person, except when it comes to these events with stepsons bio family.

Very reasonable

What you are asking is very reasonable, not sitting with the amaaaazing first family, said with sarcasm. Hell you are better than me hun, I wouldnt go after all you have described. So you are a good person. You do know it is alright to not go as this affects your emotional health. You matter.

I get you want to be there for DH. But who is there for you? You are your own advocate. Either go with your reasonable request, or dont and have your mind all over the place about the holy family reunion. Trust me though, I am sure your DH isnt thrilled about anything BM so your imagination is getting the best of you. Remember that.

thank you...and thank you for reminding

me that I matter too! DH does a lot for me and very supportative so I try to be supportative in return as long as it is something I can handle. He is more tolerant of BM for his sons sake and while not his favorite person either, he doesn't feel the emotions that I do. As long as he agrees we can sit on our own, I will go with him or else he can go on his own.

Sounds completely reasonable

Sounds completely reasonable to me. I wouldn't want to sit with them. I certainly hope your fiance is 100% understanding of your position.

thank you. I obviously need to talk to him to tell him.

I think I was worried I was being too selfish and it is so helpful to get others opinions.

IMHO, there is only one family.

That is the REAL family. REAL family is made up of the people who earn it and not necessarily the people who breed it, or claim family status due to genetics.

You are family for the boys. They know it and so does everyone else. SD.... meh. She hasn't earned the right to be your family. She knows it.... and so does everyone else.

I would be front and center, dressed to the 9s, radiantly beaming my happiness to be on my spouses arm, to celebrate the kid's milestone, and ready to rub the noses of the toxic in the stench they generate if they make that choice. They should be scared shitless about the hell you will rain down on them if they pull any bullshit. You should not be hurt by their idiocy. Idiocy is for making fun of, so..... have fun!

thank you! I need to go in with this attitude!

I tend to be an anxious person so sometimes it is hard for me to have that confidence in a crappy situation. Last time I just did not acknowledge SD in any way, just as if she was a stranger in a crowd. I wasn't trying to be childish, but she does not "exist" to me so I proceed with that usually...as I know she is always unreasonable and I have closed the door to any communication with her.

DH and I have never sat with

DH and I have never sat with the BM at any event. SS would sit with us for a bit then move to be with his mom. Or vice versa, sit with her and then come sit with us. When picture time came, SKIDS would take pics with DH and I and then go and take their pics do their things with their BM. There is no reason to pretend to be a united front. Make sure you look stunning, smile, and do not under any circumstance give those people ANY room in your head.