DH parents no longer talk to us
DH & I have been married 12 years and have had SS19 living with us fulltime for last 2 years, prior to that was 50/50. SS19 moved in with us fulltime after his BM was having problems in her relationship with another guy who they had a 2 yr old together.
I have always played an active role in SS19 life with birthdays, homework, job hunting, etc. DH is very laid back and preferred it this way as it took the pressure off him and I had to play the 'bad guy' with disciplining and making rules. I did resent this; however I felt if I didn't do it, SS19 would have no rules and he would rule our lives.
Recently SS19 finished 1st yr of trade school and had a PT job and wasn't too interested in looking for anything else. SS19 always made excuses, no jobs available, needs more courses, etc. For the past 3 years, SS19 has gotten jobs and then quit last minute to get something else leaving the employer in a pinch. Needless to say SS19 doesn't have any past employers for his resume because of how he left the company.
I told DH that SS19 needs to find a FT job or he has to move out. These rules were the same as what DH made for my 2 grown adult boys. My 2 boys had to either be going to school to live at home, or if they worked FT they had to pay rent. I enforced this rule, and it all worked find, both boys are educated, have extremely good jobs, own their own homes and live on their own.
So 2 months after SS19 finished tradeschool, he is still working 20 hrs week and not looking for anything else. Says that there are no jobs in the trade he went to school for, and he is not going to work FT at a fast food joint, even though that is what he is working PT right now.
So I let it pass for another 1 1/2 months, and SS19 still no job, not looking, AND giving us attitude when we ask about his plans. He also said that he resented the rules we have about no girlfriends staying overnight, having no friends staying over night during the week days when we work, etc. SS19 has no chores and does nothing, DH pays SS19 monthly mobile phone bill $100 and his vehicle insurance $200. One day SS19 gave attitude once too many and I finally said that he had no right to do that and cop an attitude, and he continued so I told him he had to leave.
DH knew I meant business and didn't argue as he knew I would leave if SS19 didn't, so DH made arrangements with his parents for SS19 to stay there. Now a month later, and SS19 is not talking to me, hasn't apologized, calls DH on his cell, visits when I am not home, and DH still pays mobile phone and insurance and gives him spending money. AND DH parents do not talk to either of us because SS19 says they are mad at us for kicking SS19 out.
DH doesn't know what to do about his parents, and so he is doing nothing.
DH knows that it hurts me that he isn't doing anything about SS19 not apologizing, even though DH tells me he agrees with what I did, but he DH is now talking to SS19 more now than they did before all this happened.
When DH is talking to SS19 on mobile phone, he goes into another room so I don't hear, but DH says he has nothing to hide.
I don't know if I should be doing anything, or just not worry about this since SS19 no longer lives here. Any advice would be really appreciated.
If this happened with my
If this happened with my skid, I would make sure my finances were separate from DH's (since he's still paying SS's expenses), and then sit back and be glad SS is gone.
Thankfully we do have our
Thankfully we do have our finances separate. We each pay 1/2 of household expenses but I bought groceries, but after my kids left and SS19 moved in with us FT, I stopped buying all the groceries. I am glad SS is gone but do feel a bit resentful that DH is acting like nothing happened.
i wish we never heard from
i wish we never heard from parents of dh but they are so poor that they are constantly begging. they sided with sd in one issue. good riddance.
Good riddance to the Skid and
Good riddance to the Skid and to the petty immature ILs.
Party. SS is IL's problem
Party. SS is IL's problem now. Goes on with your life and enjoys your success
A.
Okay. I'll say it! Your
Okay. I'll say it! Your husband may be a nice guy but he's a terrible parent. That's why his kid won't, and refuses to, launch. In fact, SS19's attitude displays he has no respect for his dad and no respect for you. He's using everyone around him. Including the grand parents.
My only advice is to pretend that none of them (IL's and SS) exist and go about your day and your life. Until your husband man's up and confronts the situation head on, it will continue along these lines. There.is.not.one.thing.you.can.do.about.it!!
Good luck and welcome to Steptalk!!
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your comments. 'ItsGrowingOld' I really do agree 100% with your comments and this may have been mean, but I have told DH that he is a lousy parent, because parents provide guidance not just support. DH has always been scared of SS because he has never stepped up on his own to parent without me saying something first. I have assured him that even if SS gets mad and stops talking to him, SS will come around eventually. Many times I had to play the mean parent with my boys and even kicked out one of my boys when he got lippy with me. (My boys were never rude or disrespectful to DH) I threw 4 garbage bags at my son, told him to pack his stuff and told him to hit the road. Wasn't long and he came back, wanting to come back home. Now we have an awesome relationship, and he appreciates me.
With all of the comments, I am now going to keep moving on with life and let ILs, SS, & DH deal with their own issues. This may go on for a long time but what will be will be
So here is a status update
So here is a status update and still not sure if disengaging is the best way to deal with this.
SS has continued to stay with DH parents. MIL is making SS breakfasts, lunches to go to work, doing his laundry, keeping his room cleaned, etc, and I am sure handing him a few bucks here and there. DH & SS have been talking at least every other day, DH & SS basically acting like nothing has happened.
I asked DH what is going to happen, is the plan for SS to come back after he gets a FT job and I said I am not willing to let everything that has been said and happened to brush under the rug with out talking about it. I realize that SS won't be apologizing because he would have done so already if he felt he had anything to say sorry for. Since DH never said anything to SS about the disrespect that he was shown and the lack of appreciation for all that DH has done for him, so SS probably doesn't think it was his fault.
Anyways, ILs have gone 5 weeks without calling DH and now SS is also staying at DHs sisters house too so we know that DHs sisters are probably blaming DH and I for everything. Anyways, I asked DH why SS continues to stay at ILs when SS has a mom as well. DH said that SS told him that SS's mom has no room for him to live there. I suggested that DH ask his ex if this is true as I really found it hard to believe that she wouldn't have room or at least make room. So DH went to the ex's house and explained to her why SS has been told to leave and that DH doesn't want SS staying at ILs anymore as he has overextended his stay and asked her if she had room for SS to stay there. DHs ex said that she has room and she offered but SS didn't want to, but she understood DH's concern and said that she would contact SS and tell him that he could stay there. DH called SS and told him that he talked to SS's mom and she has room for him and that SS had to pack up his stuff and move in with her and that DH did not want SS to live or stay at ILs anymore. SS tried to say that he didn't want to stay at his moms because it is too stressful; however I am sure it is because she also expects him to help her with chores and pushes him to do more with himself.
So SS has told ILs that DH has made him move in with his mom, so now MIL has called DH today and said that MIL & FIL are very disappointed with DH as he has mistreated SS by abandoning him, not treating him well, and making SS live in a filthy bedroom. MIL told DH that he was a bad father and didn't include SS in any family events, and SS didn't feel like part of our family because he said we never told him anything we were doing. So all of this is the total opposite as DH always told SS everything, always tried to talk to SS but SS always hung out in his bedroom all day (acting like he was sleeping so he wouldn't get asked to help us with anything), SS wouldn't even come upstairs to eat dinner, stayed in his room till noon, went out for a few hours, come back stay in his room until 9 or 10 at night when we were getting ready for bed and say 'hi...bye, going out'. We have always invited him to any family event, asked him to do things with us, but SS wouldn't be interested.
Anyways, MIL has told DH that she doesn't want SS to ever come back to live with us again because it is not a healthy place for him to be and that she has told SS that he can stay with them as long as he wants.
So I basically know that my relationship with ILs is pretty much done. They have always been very nice people and MIL praised me for being like SS's mom, but now none of that matters, they don't want to know my side of the story as everything that SS has obviously said to them is what they believe. I am hurt, and even regretful that I have caused all of this but I really didn't expect ILs to do this. I know that DH agrees with all that has been done and knows that this was needed to show SS that he needs to act like an adult, but I am sure down deep he really wishes that this didn't happen because when I have said 'I am sorry this has happened', he doesn't say anything to me, so I am sure he is thinking that I shouldn't have gone as far as telling SS to leave.
I am now even angrier with SS because he is playing both sides, ILs and DH, to ensure that he keeps his options open in case he needs financial help.
I knew that it would be hard to just go on living without having any connection with ILs and SS but it is really hard on my relationship with DH as I do feel that he blames me even though he says he agrees with me 100%.
I have asked my family what I should do and they feel that I shouldn't sit back and let ILs blame me, and I should talk to them and tell them that everything that SS has told them isn't all the truth. I am worried to do this because doing this may eliminate any possible chance of mending the relationship as they may not want to hear me say anything negative about their grandson.
Any thoughts suggestions or words of encouragement are welcomed with open arms.
Thank you,
Oh goodness, this was my
Oh goodness, this was my life!!!!! sorry you are dealing with this, it is not easy!! And why, for the life of me, can't our husband's see that they are not helping their children or their marriage? We end up picking and choosing our battles, realizing we have an obligation to do best by these children. We assert ourselves and then we are not supported, and infact (even as the main parent) we are criticized and condemned for not supporting their bad behavior. Is that where we fall short as step parents? Because we won't allow everything the step child does and pat them on the back!
He's a 19 year old brat
He's a 19 year old brat manipulating everyone in the family...except for you. They're all pissed at DH because he's the one begging them to take ss in. If DH were smart he'd be telling his family NOT to take ss in so that he could grow up and be a man.
The family will get tired of it and it's only a matter of time before ss brings his girlfriends over to stay the night. Let it all play out and stay out of it. After all of this I would not allow him to move back in even if he is working FT and paying rent. He's a grown man and has made it known how manipulative he can be.
unfortunately I don't think
unfortunately I don't think ILs will never get tired of SS as this is just the type of people they are, little SS does no wrong and is a 'good boy' because he doesn't have a drinking problem, doesn't smoke or use drugs. DH realizes that this has probably severed the relationship with his parents, and is upset that his parents are taking SS's side but not much he can do to make them see his (our) side. I am curious to see where this will all be in 6 months and if SS finally gets a FT job. I am sure SS mom won't let him freeload for long, and SS will end up living with ILs full time getting catered to like royalty. SS isn't a stupid kid, and knows that he will be able to keep ILs blinded and babying him forever.
I'm sorry for your situation,
I'm sorry for your situation, it sounds like a lot of drama. At least ss is not under your roof anymore.
I'm sorry you're going
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's stressful, painful, and your self esteem takes a beating because extended family who have no insight start flinging toxic poo your way.
You're not alone. This crap scenario has happened so many times in so many stepfamilies. A weak, spineless divorced dad remarries a strong woman who knows how to parent. She proceeds to handle the issues that crop up in her home, including empowering her weak spouse, and is reviled for it. Sadly common stuff.
Your DH needs to stop kissing his adult kid's hiney. To me, that is the core issue. Your SS may not live with you, but your DH is continuing to allow his adult brat to undermine you and drive a wedge between the two of you. Every time he leaves the room to kiss butt via cell phone, he is giving that brat power and presidence over you. He should also be protecting you from his winged monkey relatives.
My advice? Marriage counseling to help you both get on the same page in order to deal with the toxicity and manipulation. Regarding the in-laws, they will probably always be difficult. Keep your distance, physically and emotionally. In time, they will figure out what a pos SS is.
I can't add any more than
I can't add any more than what has already been said, but...just be glad your SS is gone and no longer your problem. He's a grown up and needs to act like one! To heck with your in-laws and him. Disengage and go about living your happy life with your own successful sons and your own life.
I disengaged from SS22 for over 2 years. It was heaven. Dh saw him during the week while I was at work and rarely discussed him with me. Drugs, no job, no car, living in our basement...I'm still am not a fan, but have to tolerate his weekly visits for dh. If I had MY way, he'd never come over and I'd never have to see him. His trashy ways and lack of motivation and ambition make me want to scream. I like the whole "out of sight, out of mind" attitude.
Dh learned through THAT and me almost leaving him that his son would NEVER live with us again. I was absolutely ready to divorce dh if he didn't kick his son out. He had a choice and he made it. Granted, I still have to tolerate him bailing his sorry a** out every now and then, but that's better than having him in my house.
Your SS and your ILs are
Your SS and your ILs are toxic pieces of shit. Just remove them from your head as well as from your life. Do NOT feel the least bit guilty for not allowing crap in your life.