An Apple a day, makes enablement a healthy dose...
Greetings fellow Steptalkers. As I continue this new journey started last month, I wanted to update you, sort of bring you along for my particular ride.
As I have been trying to sign up for an online class at the local community college, Ive had to get through some roadblocks - my application didnt go through, the mandatory orientation, the "qualifying assessments" (Ive already got a bachelors, so Im over qualified and might somehow slip in there anyways...).
All the tenacity, energy, intention and attention, follow-up, follow-through, "pushing" through road blocks - all these things that I was doing and did for Backstabber/Munchkin, that resulted in her getting her grades up, enabling her to communicate with her teachers effectively, getting her materials and paying for them, as well as getting her to her desired in-person classes - all that I am now doing for ME. ME. I havent gotten the class(es) scheduled and registered yet, but I will, and I have until June 7 when they actually start.
Im thinking that I will actually go for an Associates or two or three. Heck. Why not, if its coursework that I enjoy. Political Science, English, History, they sound FUN.
As soon as I purchased a new laptop (Windows), I felt like it was starting to feel REAL, you know? And of course, Husband felt left out, so her purchased a refurbished Apple laptop for himself "so he had a bigger screen to watch videos and do social media scrolling"... so ok.
I havent been good about not checking the parent portal. But the bad grades arent bothering me as much. LAst night, I set Husband up with his parent portal login, and bookmarked it and told him the easy password. Had him click around. His eyes bugged out when he saw the F in Art..."what the eff???"
I did interject a few effs, myself. As in "yeah. And its finals week so its too late to fix this like she did in semester #1. Thats why the eff this parent portal is important, because shes been telling you shes doing the work...and let me show you WHY an F in Art..." And he finished with "shes not doing the work, thats why."
I did strongly suggest that he take the phone while she does the work. He said no. Then I pointed out that her only job right now is school work, so she can do chores if she doesnt want to do the school work...yes! I know! Step out of it already!
So I did step out of things, but I just asked that he not bother with the school thing this week/weekend, because there's finals, and its a three day weekend and I want it to be pleasant, and its her birthday memorial weekend. Just let it lie until final grades come out. Supposedly shes "been doing her work" and supposedly Toxic Troll has been "working with her on her schoolwork".
I simply want peace. If he tells Backstabber/Munchkin that I sent him up with Parent Portal, Ill have a target on my back. I will again be the creeper, mean, evil stepmonster (thank you thinkthrice). And I do not care enough to want that kind of drama near me anymore.
Tonight is pickup for visitation...IM making plans and booking tours and planning my excursions. They can have their father daughter birthday time. I have no idea what is planned, because I am not planning it 
Thanks for everyones support (especially if you made it this far!)
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Comments
Doing anything for, saying
Doing anything for, saying anything about, or helping your husband with Backstabber (I refuse to include the Munchkin - she's lost that) is only going to cause you grief and make it even more clear to you that your husband is a terrible parent. Don't waste your time or energy. I'm excited that you have new, self-fulfilling things to look forward to. The less time spent giving any thought at all to your husband's children, the better. Do you, CLove!
I disagree somewhat
Only because as husband and wife they still need to support each other. So setting up H on the parent portal and showing him how to use it is fine - even offering ideas like take the phone away so she can focus on the homework - is fine. But the final decision and communication must come from H. AND - this will be the tricky part with your H - he needs to be clear to B/M that its HIS rules or punishment and not coming from you at all. If he ends up telling B/M 'well cLove showed me your grades on the portal...' then stop doing or saying anything and just change the subject if he brings it up.
Yes.
I even told him - "tell her than YOU asked me to set you up on parent portal, so I dont have a target on my back! I want this 3 days to be peaceful and happy"
Or he called school and they
Or he called school and they walked him through it.
Getting there
Its a process. I am in between wanting repercussions to actions and just wanting to be out of it completely. Which is why I even said anything at all, and then redacted it all because "Im out of it!"
I guess no one wants to see that their partner is a terrible parent. Ive been making excuse after excuse. When I set him up, and showed him around, after seeing the bad grades and missing work, he snapped the thing shut like its a pandora's box.
Kinda like the Apple in Genesis, I gave Husband his own little apple of knowledge, on his Apple laptop.
Have you considered asking
Have you considered asking him to change the portal password and not give it to you?
Yes.
And then No. And then YES, and HE!! YES, and then No,
because I am still in the process, the letting go process.
You go girl
And get those degrees! Its great that you're channeling the energy into yourself and not a lost cause like your H's DNA Droppings.
Ive said that before...
"DNA droppings". or "DNA samples".
Yes
I remember you said it and copied it :) English or Creative Writing would be good for you, I think!
LOL!!!
Im being quoted back to myself? LOL!
Backstabber/Munchkin does that a lot. Probably because I think in complete logical sentences with correct punctuation and spelling. LOL. Sometimes she uses my own quotes against me...
Hafta trademark that stuff, although Im pretty sure I got that from someone else...LOL.
Yes, Im looking forward to taking those classes and spreading my wings a bit, linguistically speaking.
Bratty
Also does that - takes phrases I've used and then re-uses them. I think she believes it makes her sound more 'grown-up'. Whatever...it doesn't bother me.
It's hard to disengage fully
It's hard to disengage fully after being the only one doing anything for such a long time. I admit I back slid quiet a bit before Spawn officially left and never returned. Once she was gone I never reminded DH to check parent portal, I didn't offer up anything in the way of presents for birthdays or Christmas. It got easier as the years went by and Spawn was no longer active in our lives. Just keep your head down and it will get easier the longer you stay out of it.
inch by inch
its a cinch. Baby steps will still get you to the mile mark.
So- any reason you aren't
So- any reason you aren't working on a Master's Degree? (Money being a good one) - just figured since you like school, might as well move up in degrees!
Also, might want to try just not talking to DH about B/M unless he brings her up first. So if he ASKS for your help with the portal, fine. If he tells you things about her, fine. But don't ask or go looking for info.
I still don't get why YOU would be blamed if he started looking at the portal (not that I think he will).
Pouty Mc Pouterson
gave me an indication. Anything to do with school and me brings her out full force. As in "why are you looking at my Parent Portal?"
Well, I set your father up with it you see...so we both looked together!
"why are you even concerned about setting my father up with my parent portal?"
My mind goes through the different scenarios, and the logical conclusion is that I will always be the bad guy no matter if Im not involved NOw, but because I WAS involved (overly) BEFORE. Then it will go back to all my transgressions of "harassment" ie accountability, and how my PREVIOUS involvement "damaged the child emotionally". And my setting Husband up is my continuing to "damage" said child. Thats how my monkey mind works, I guess.
As to why not masters? WELL firstly, my bachelors is in ECON. UGH. Please string me up by my toenails so I do not ever have to take another ECON class and discuss supply and demand curves with standard deviations EVER AGAIN. Ughhhhh. So, with the first goal being an ASSOCIATES, with intent to TRANSFER (still getting my mind used to college lingo) Im thinking Im setting myself up for a bachelors in another area, whereby I can then decide if a graduate degree or another undergraduate degree is the way to go. I think by the end of this year I will have a better idea of where to go next
Ill keep ya posted!
With many graduate degrees,
With many graduate degrees, you can have any bachelor's degree - only science and math degrees have prerequisites.
My degree was in English and my masters is in Social Work. So unless you are looking for science or math, you can probably get in with your Econ degree.
As for B/M if she asks you why you set him up with the portal, say, "He asked me to," and walk away. Or even better, "go ask your father".
Stop worrying about what a bratty teen thinks.
Thanks Tog - always great advice.
I remember you mentioned creative writing before! I always love your posts and comments (even if a little on the "owe-ie" side sometimes) they are always well thought out and well-crafted.
My mother is very proud of me right now.
And I will have to print this and tape it somewhere "stop worrying what a bratty teen thinks". Perhaps a bumper sticker would be too much?
You don't have to have a
You don't have to have a particular degree to go for Master's. But if you already have Bachelors, going back to community college doesn't make sense unless maybe take one or two classes. I've never heard of anyone going to get Associate degree if they already have Bachelors. It's like going to elementary school already having high school diploma. You need to talk to some advisor on what makes sense (university advisor)
Seams like your DH isn’t any better
Then SD. He can't look at his kids school work with out HELP.? Bet you he has no problem doing what he wants on his phone.
Disengaging means doing nothing for SD. Not DH, you can give him advice, but that it. He must do the work with SD.
You told him to limit SD phone time to do homework DH said NO. So it's not your circus, you are not there monkey. If SD fails what highly unlikely, ( schools don't want failing kids wasting there time) She fails and DH will handle it, unlikely, with out your money.
Just make sure you get a laptop with a solid state hardrive. They boot up really fast. Plus all import information you must keep in flash drives anyway. So HD doesn't have to be that big. The Mac are nice better if you used an iPhone. Because they sink together.
Iphone backup
Im the techy of our little family. Meaning he and I.
We both have iphones so we will be backing up to his apple.
YES< I redacted that whole "here some repercussion suggestions", and just left with "lets not get into anything this weekend" and he said "good, lets stop now", and I walked away. WHEW, no arguments!!!!
I think it's important to
I think it's important to have something to bond over with DH, like a hobby or activity and then talk about those. Some couples only talk about kids or what's for dinner because they have nothing in common. Find things in common and focus on those. Then naturally skids will not be a regular topic for discussion