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Big family

JanelleC0986's picture

Submitted by JanelleC0986 on Fri, 04/16/2021 - 10:18pm

I have been married a little more than a year. I have 4 step children. 2 boys 2 girls. I also have 2 biological sons. Big family! My step children come home every other weekend and every other week in the summer. When my step children are home it's a free for all but during the week we have strict rules and my children are in trouble a lot. Is this normal? I know it isn't right but I feel like it might be a common problem.

On the weekends my step children are here my husband will go to my 6yo step daughters bed. When we were first married he thought she was sleeping in our bed but I said no way! I told him if he wanted to sleep with her he could go to her bed and that's the regular routine. He lays with her about an hour comes to bed then she'll get up and come get him and he'll go back to her bed. He makes an attempt to back to our bed but doesn't always make it back. If I say anything about it he says I'm jealous so I've given up. I don't feel like sleeping with a 6yo is a good or healthy thing. Help me!

Comments

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Fri, 04/16/2021 - 11:46pm

Him sleeping with his 6-year-old daughter instead of his wife is him being both a crappy husband and a sub-standard dad. Why her and not any of the other 3? Does he coddle her or favor her in other ways too?

I admit that after my divorce, i (wrongly and probably out of guilt) did the cosleeping thing too. But - i would never have tried to put a boyfriend in the bed with us, and if i had ever lived with anyone, i don't think i could have left them alone in our bed and gone and slept with a child. If you have to sleep with your kid, you have no business being in a serious relationship, IMO. It means you haven't worked out your issues. 

JanelleC0986's picture

Submitted by JanelleC0986 on Sat, 04/17/2021 - 8:08am

Yes he cuddles and holds her all day. If we are hugging or he's cuddling me she joins in. 

His 9yo son ask him to lay with him but he always ends up with his 6yo daughter. Apparently he tells her that he has to sleep with me and she'll tell him he loves me more. Which I assume buys her more them time. He has told her he wasn't going to sleep with her as a punishment, which I quickly put a stop to. 

He favors her over all the other children. He use to say she's only 4 but now it's standard for him to say everyone always treated her like she was older she never got treated like a 4yo. He favors his 13 yo daughter too but mostly only when she and I don't agree on stuff. He is oblivious to how she disrespect me. Once she asked me if my job was being a maid,  which is a fine occupation, but she knows I'm a nurse. She's been to my work! She once asked me if I had head lice. She constantly wants to do stuff that she knows I've said no to in the past. He always chooses her over me. With her it's being charge and him choosing her over me where as with the 6yo I think it's just about spending time with him.

As far as my kids go, they need the discipline. They have done things to get into trouble but it's the inconsistencies that I have a hard time with. Everyone should have the same rules. My kids are expected to take their cup and plate to the sink and pick up their dirty clothes when done in the shower. Which I don't think is to much to ask. But his kids are not required to do these things or it's not as strictly inforced.

It's also been an issue between us that I have said he treats me different when they are here. During the week he wants to hold me and love on me but when they are here no as much. This is where the jealous comes into play the most. Instead of wanting me the 6yo takes my spot. At times he'll still ask to hold me but like I said she jumps in the middle of it so I usually get up. So I feel like he has needs that need to be met and I'm 2nd choice. Then he has me thinking that maybe I am jealous.

Thanks for commenting. Your response was respectful but direct. I appreciate that. Thank you 

 

The_Upgrade's picture

Submitted by The_Upgrade on Sat, 04/17/2021 - 12:49am

It just shows where his priorities are. My DD as a baby had SEVERE reflux. So we had to co-sleep for the first two years of her life. People kept telling me horror stories of friends they knew who had kids that were sleeping in bed until ages 8+ and told me I had to put her in her own room. Really wasn't an option when if I didn't hold her upright for an hour after she passed out she'd wake up and spew all over the bed. But by age 3, a little girl who was held and rocked to bed for all her short life was happy to sleep in her own bed. Because I made it a priority to kick her out as soon as she outgrew her medical issues. I'm sure if I hadn't made the push she's still be right here beside me.

Bailey7's picture

Submitted by Bailey7 on Sat, 04/17/2021 - 2:33am

I don't feel comfortable with a man sleeping with a child. This is inappropriate.

I was molested as a child. Please understand, the danger that the child is in.

 

Monkeysee's picture

Submitted by Monkeysee on Sat, 04/17/2021 - 5:26am

Why are your kids in trouble a lot? Is your H the one getting them in trouble? Meanwhile letting his children run amuck when they're over, and co-sleeping with a 6 year old? Then gaslighting you're by calling you jealous? No, this isn't normal, it’s not healthy, and if he's gaslighting you constantly when you bring up valid issues it’s actually abusive. 

I'd stop allowing him any authority over your children immediately. Your top responsibility is the well-being of your kids. If they need discipline or are misbehaving then you should be the one to handle it. Allowing him to get your kids in trouble while he allows his to run wild will eventually breed resentment in your kids, they didn't choose this situation and I really don't believe the double standard is healthy or acceptable.

I am not advocating in any way that you let your kids run free as his do, and treating him respectfully is still important, but I absolutely would maintain the boundary that the parenting of your children remain with the biological parents, as long as he is creating these double standards. Next I would decide if this relationship was actually worth staying in, because he sounds like a total ass.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 04/17/2021 - 5:38am

Yes, I agree. If he's going to be a Disney Dad with his own kids, and call you jealous for asking him to set boundaries on his kid, then he doesn't get to decide how your kids are disciplined during the week. Either there are house rules for ALL kids that ALL kids have to follow, or each person parents their own kids.  Sounds like he's a stereotypical Every Other Weekend Disney Dad - doesn't feel he can set limits on his own kids because he only sees them 4 days a month and fears alienating them - but he's all for dropping the hammer on YOUR kids, who he doesn't care about in the same way.