Well, I personally agree with how you think it should be done, but what matters is what he will agree to. Meet with an attorney and then the two of you should sit down with one. Find out what he wants to do and then you can plan accordingly, including perhaps getting a job or another job so you can put your own money away. If he's supporting you, you are kind of at his mercy. Though if he has a generous 401K to leave you, maybe the house isn't a big issue. 

I think that you should certainly have steps taken so that you are both comfortable that you would be "ok" if he were to pass before you.

There are a few ways this could be accomplished.  He could outright add you to the deed of the home and the home could legally pass to you automatically without any need to go through probate.  He could also give you rights to live in the home as long as you "need" to.. until death, permanent assisted care elsewhere or you remarry or want to cohabitate with another partner.  At the end of that time, the home could be sold and the funds distributed in some equitable manner.. to his children.. with perhaps some portion also allocated to yours.  I don't think it's unreasonable for him to feel it's fair to give his kids more share since he was the one who paid for the home.. downpayment.. repairs etc.. While you did contribute in other ways to the partnership, you also would have gotten the benefit of living in a home that was paid for for by him all those years.. so it's not like you didn't get any benefit and value and you could theoretically say that since you didn't have housing costs.. you would have had more disposable income to save or spend on your own kids too.

But putting the home into a sort of trust for your benefit would allow him to ultimately provide this inheritance for his kids while still allowing you some level of assurance that you will have a home if he is gone.

His other property... the farmette etc.. was his inheritance, I would be inclined to agree his kids should be getting the benefit of that.. as long as you haven't had some similar bequeath that you put into your joint pot of finances... I think that's fair.  (I do agree with you on your other post though.. he probably should be insisting his daughter pay reasonable rent.... even if it is only for the fact that it is really not fair that he is basically giving one of his kids a free place to live.. the other not?)

But, these things are "real property" and they are not distributed with probate because they are usually legally deeded to pass to certain people and that can be outside probate.  

Life insurance proceeds etc.. ALSO don't go through probate... they are distributed to the beneficiaries..period.  So.. again, a way to ensure you have some level of soft landing if he were to pass would be to have insurance policies that would have you as beneficiary.. 

The things that would be split might be his other posessions.. value of vehicles.. bank accounts etc... (unless the account is joint with you.. then you get it).

I think it is important to stipulate how things will be distributed.. while not always a comfortable discussion, you both need to understand what it will mean if one of you goes before the other.  

One thing I would advise is to NOT do a joint will.. You should each have your own.. there can be stipulations on who would be considered to have passed "first" if you die together.. but it's important for you both to make your wishes known now.. don't wait for someone else to do the "right thing".

I am assuming your kids also have a father.. and that he would be providing for them in HIS will... so it's not like you and your DH are the only ones that would be in the position to leave them something.  I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want to feel you have some security.. and not totally unreasonable for you to want your children to have something from you as well.  You might consider an insurance policy with them as beneficiaries?  

It's kind of a touchy subject... asking your spouse if they will be willing to consider leaving kids that aren't theirs anything when they are gone.  It's not like they technically are entitled to a portion of the wealth he has earned just by virtue of you marrying him.  I guess if you were to claim that you would have been otherwise earning a much better living and would have had more to leave them if you hadn't been providing other support for your DH?... perhaps it's fair to say you and your kids should share in some of the proceeds.. But, if you just happened to "marry well".. I'm not sure that your kids in all fairness should be entitled to inherit a portion of wealth he worked for himself.. and supported all of you in other ways financially.. with a home etc..  Certainly, he should make an effort to see that his spouse is not left in a bad way.. but I'm not sure it follows that your kids should continue to benefit after you are gone.. beyond your ability to save for that purpose.

Again... I would definitely go to an atty that is experienced in family inheritance law.. they may have some creative ideas that would allow everyone to feel that things are being handled fairly.

I live in VA and do HR. He would have to have you waive rights for his 401k. His life insurance is different. He can put whoever he wants for that. 

My personal opinion is that everything financial and property gets left to the surviving spouse. If you go at the same time (car crash or something), it would be divided up as his goes to his kid and yours goes to yours. 

Once the surviving spouse dies, if there is anything left, which there often isn't if they wind up in any kind of nursing home, it is up to that person as to how they want to divide it. 

Upon either of your deaths, children get sentimental things- favorite watch, wedding band, the signed baseball that he cherished. Those financial aspects of saving are to protect our spouses and ourselves, not our kids. They are grown ass adults. 

If kids are still minors and they are step kids they go to the other parent and are able to collect social security benefits to help with their care. If they aren't horrible people, the surviving spouse might help them with college or a car- but it is up to them.

Seeing an attorney to hash this all out is the best way to proceed.   Wills and estate plans save trouble later. Without looking at the deeds, 401k’s, etc. it’s difficult for anyone to give you accurate advice.  Bring all the related documents with you.  Your goal seems to be that you can remain in the residence and live at the same or similar standard of living.  That is entirely reasonable.    After you know where you stand legally, sit down with your DH and have an honest discussion about what the options are and your preferences- then he will need to come forward with his expectations and preferences.  It’s important for you to know what he thinks will happen.  Note life insurance is a good option but not perfect if buying a policy later in life  - the underwriting, premiums, and coverage limits may not be as favorable.  Also, be aware that some policies Jack the premiums up at certain ages, like 70, making them useless.  Work with a good agent to see what your options are.  This can be an emotional topic; however, it’s best to approach with DH in a practical manner.  You’re certainly not out of line- as this topic should be addressed in every marriage head-on. Good luck.

My personal feeling is that money and property acquired before marriage are separate assets and should be kept separate. Things acquired during the marriage go to the spouse and upon their demise to go all children equally.

401ks go by federal rules and the current spouse has to sign off for it to go to someone else. IRAs go by state rules. In my state you can leave it to your kids without the spouse signing off.

If I were you, I'd research the state rules- maybe talk to a lawyer by myself about my state laws. 

OP, see an attorney. People on here have strong opinions on how it should be done and none of them are attorneys. Find out your rights and what is reasonable from someone who knows the laws. 

I refused to sign off on my husband's 401K. Upon retirment from a major corporation, he converted his 401K to an IRA without my signature or consent. As soon as I found out what he did, I hand delivered a letter to the legal department of his company and stated that my consent (as his wife) was not given. I also checked with an attorney. If he had died PRIOR to retirment the money would have come to me. However, upon retirment it was his perogative to do whatever he wanted with that money and I couldn't stop him. He then converted it to a generation skipping trust for his grandchildren. We are talking about a couple of million dollars here. I have been screwed and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Sd26 (been in full time graduate employment 2years plus), ss22.5 finished uni a year ago and just had graduation ceremony and spent the past yr being a bum at home, sd15 lives with sd26 in a home my husband bought for skids to live him.

hubby owns 3 homes, inherited some country land from his deceased mother where they have a palm plantation, my husband also has company mandated life insurance policy which pays half a million (willed to me as his spouse and mother of our 2 kids aged 5 & almost 4).

my husband has started a separate savings accohnt for his 3 kids which upon retirement will have $60,000-100,000 approximately in it.

early last year he withdrew a large chunk of his retirement money to buy a home in my birth country thats in my name. Upon retirement in a few years he will have about a million dollars in savings.

my father is in the process of adding me as co-owner to his house as i have always cared for him and thats worth currently about $650,000. My brother and his wife stole money out of my deceased mothers estate in our birth country and mums countey of birth (raided it and went on a shopping spree and justified it)

My husbands life insurance skids and exwife cannot touch, it goes to me as his wife and does not form part of his estate. My husband felt if he were to die before retiring, 2 skids are adults, the money in savings would cover the care for youngest sd as she will be and adult very soon. Exwife believes its solely my husbands job only

when my husband retires, a decent chunk of retirement will be moved to my country of birth where i am living since just prior to covid pandemic and our borders are closed. So should my husband die, skids can only inherit a portion of the homes in his countrh overseas and money in tandem with my kids but as they follow islmic inheritance law, men get double what women get in order to care for their female siblings or family members, reality is this rarely happens and they simply take their cut.

its my husbands feeling should he die, he will have money set aside for cs which is $500 per month for sd15 and no more. Ex wife can get off her arse and get a job but we know reality is it won't happen.

my kids with hubby will benefit substantially because my fathers estate is worth more but also because i'm working and more educated so skids can play the pity card all they want, they will inherit peanuts from bio mum

Wow I feel poor. lol

Me? Attorney would be my first visit - glad you are doing it.

I think you asking for all or most of his estate to pass to you, after 16 years of marriage, especially when there are no dependent children, is not unfair. They are all adults, legally. And whatever is left after you go, then pass down to all four kids. 

However, I kinda, a little bit, see your husband's side in this. If I was a major contributor financially to the household, there was a lot of it and I had two daughters from a previous marriage, I wouldl want to leave them something directly upon my death, especially if there are grandkids in the future (i.e., college money). So I would probably be flexible and not ask for 100% in the discussions, wanting to set up the kids and grandkids in a better situation financially. I say this if there was a lot of money, of course, more than you'd be using in your lifetime. 

In the event of a divorce, once finalized, the X should get nothing, and any kids from a prior marriage should get no more than half of the estate of their parent's subsequent marriage(s) but only upon the demise of both spouses in a subsequent marriage unless the subsequent marriage couple agree and stipulate otherwise in their joint Will. 

In the event that the partners in the newer marriage have kids together and only one of them has prior relationship children... the joint kids should get half plus 1/n of the prior breeding parents half.  Where prior relationship children get only their relative share of their BioParent's half of assets. To keep the math simple, if one partner brings a kid to the blended family marriage and the other does not... and the new partners have a child together... the joint child gets 3/4 of the marital estate, and the prior relationship child gets 1/4.   The half siblings split the half that belongs to their joint parent, and the ours kid gets the entire half that belongs to their non shared parent. 

In this example: JK inheritance = 1/2T +(1/2T)/2  where T = the Total marital assets in the subsequent marriage upon the co-demise of the marital partners and JK is the joint kid.

All genetically related/adopted kids in the blended family inherit equal shares of their bioparent's half of the marital assets.

Non joint children in  a blended family have the potential upside of inheriting from their other bio parent.

In the event that one partner to a subsequent marriage brings multiple kids to the blended marriage, say 9, the other partner has no prior relationship children, and that new marriage couple have one joint child, that joint child inherits 6/10 of the marital estate and the half sibs from the prior relationship breeding parent inherit the remaining 4/10 in equal shares.

JK inheritance = 1/2T + (1/2T)/n where n = the number of kids that the prior relationship breeding spouse brings to the mix plus the JK.

In the event that both subsequent marriage partners bring prior relationship children to the marriage and... they have joint children then the formula would be .......

Basic math works. No muss, no fuss, no ring around the collar.

IMHO of course.

In my SS-28's case, he is our sole heir and beneficiary in the event of our joint demise.  He is an only child in our marriage.  His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.  I have been his dad from nearly the beginning.  He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen.  There are a few personal items that I have stipulated go to my brother but everything else goes to my DW upon my demise and to the Skid upon her demise. Or to me if my DW pre-deceases me and then to the Skid when I kick the bucket.

IMHO it is time to sell the house and roll the proceeds into a newly purchased marital home that SD has zero interest in.

And... get a joint Will drawn up before you get screwed.  At the very least have a lawyer on retainer to protect your interests on the demise of your DH.

I would suggest that you do some research on rights of survivorship in your State to verify if ownership of community property is transferred to the surviving  spouse when the other spouse dies.   In Texas, California, Washington state, and Arizona this is the case.   There may be other states that have right of survivorship laws as well.   Probate is nowhere anyone should want to be upon the demise of their spouse IMHO. Until you motivate the sale of the house and the purchase of a jointly held home... I would not forecast a positive outcome for you in the event DH dies.

Get DH to a lawyer and get a joint Will written.

Good luck.