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Is This a Mini Wife?

westst3bh's picture

Submitted by westst3bh on Sun, 03/21/2021 - 12:21am

So my bf has always doted on his little girl. I always thought it was so sweet and he was just being a good father until I moved in. Then I started noticing that he never tells her no. He will try but always caves once she starts begging. I notice she does this weird flirting with him that makes me very uncomfortable. And will repeat I love you a million times and kiss him over and over or hug him over and over. She needs all of his attention always. When we watch tv or movies she always needs to be cuddled up to him and will even try rubbing her feet on him and he has to tell her to stop or he moves his feet. It's weird. And she always has to sit next to him. If we go to a restaurant she has to be next to him, if we're eating dinner at home she has to be in the middle. I've talked to him about it and he thinks it's cute and says oh she just once to feel loved and have attention. I'm over it. She's 11. She will lie to get attention. She acts hurt even to get attention it's beyond annoying. And he is so sweet and loving and nice to her goes all out for her birthdays holidays and things but always does mine last minute and doesn't put as much effort. Gives us the same gifts for valentine's day which I think is weird as hell and makes me super uncomfortable does not make me feel special you're gifting me like you do your 11 year old daughter when I'm a grown woman and should be the woman or queen of the house. He makes me feel like she is the most important. Makes me feel like she is the queen as she has no chores besides from keeping her room clean and gets paid for it even tho it's never clean. She dictates what we have for meals and what we do on family days. I'm just seriously over it I've had enough. There is no adult conversation she is always in our business listening and trying to give her opinions. She gets an attitude is ungrateful and constantly asking for things. I'm supposed to drop everything to pick her up or drop her off places while he's at work. I get stuck with her majority of the time while he works too. And it really bothers me. He has become increasingly mean to me. Doesn't treat me well especially in front of her. He will get an attitude when he talks or criticize me in front of her and I hate it. I'm considering leaving the relationship at this point because I don't know what else to do. We have a 6 month old son together so I feel terrible and have been trying to figure things out and make it work but I just am not happy and I'm having trouble trying to brush off little shit his daughter does or says. And I'm confused at how often he will hug or kiss her but rarely does so with me now. It feels as if things are switched. 

Comments

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Submitted by NoWireCoatHanga... on Sun, 03/21/2021 - 6:55am

Let me start off by saying that I have an 11 year old. She turns 12 this month. She doesn't do those things. Those behaviors aren't healthy for anyone.

I wouldn't put up wjth a man being mean to me. Remember you have an impressionable son and he needs to be modeled healthy relationships for his own future. You don't want him growing up thinking that's how you are supposed to treat your wife 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sun, 03/21/2021 - 7:10am

So the only thing keeping you there is your son? Doesn't seem worthwhile given the example his father is setting. Do you think he'd fight you for custody or is he so busy kissing his daughter's feet and the ground she walks on to  have time to bother with his son? And you'd have the added bonus of child support...

Is he on the birth certificate?

KC is not the stepmother's picture

Submitted by KC is not the s... on Sun, 03/21/2021 - 2:13pm

I was surprised when you said that she is 11, I thought anything over 5 is weird. Yes, she's a mini wife and you're an intruder.  

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Sun, 03/21/2021 - 2:56pm

He is sending mixed messages to her.  One is she is the queen of the house. 2. Husbands treat their wives like crap.   How is she suppose to grow up and find a healthy relationship with her dad treating everyone wrong?   You need to do some reasearch and find how much CS you can get for a baby.  Maybe consult a shark lawyer or two and find out how this would play out if you did leave. Knowledge is power. The more you know, the better you can plan.  
 

You have been replaced as the woman in his life.  He is betraying you each and every time he chooses her over you.   

Rednwhiteroses's picture

Submitted by Rednwhiteroses on Sun, 03/21/2021 - 6:29pm

Girl run. My now ex is like this with his daughter, 12. It's weird and he's encouraging her behavior. I can't see any reason why you should stay with him. He doesn't need you, he already has a wife. Also, think about the effect this is having on DS. Please don't stay with him for your son. You'd both be better off away from him.

Your husband is teaching SD to be a manipulative brat. He's teaching her that if she yells enough she'll get her way. She's in for a huge shock when she realizes that the real world isn't gonna cave to her demands. He's failing her as a father and is raising a narcissist in the making. The golden child kind. 

Please take your son and divorce him. If you're not married, in a lot of states the unmarried mother retains sole legal and physical custody until the father GOES TO COURT to establish paternity, not just signing the birth certificate. Hugs. I've been there. Now run girl.

Stepmonster90's picture

Submitted by Stepmonster90 on Sun, 03/21/2021 - 6:36pm

Been there. He needs to make it stop. He needs to tell her she cannot sit in between y'all every time. It will not get better with time...she will get better at it with time...he needs to have your back.

Olivia2020's picture

Submitted by Olivia2020 on Mon, 03/22/2021 - 2:17am

and they are both deriving sexual pleasure from all the of the 'foreplay' they seem to engage in which makes this a terribly unhealthy situation. Next thing you know, she'll straddle him while he lays on the couch or back in his recliner...let's hope he doesn't drink too. The brat is acting like a slut to get back at you, jealousy, or whatever it is...and dadddeeee is getting excited with the doting from her while you're cleaning up after all of them and building resentment, which is understandable. Too much enmeshment and zero boundaries. I've worked with families with these situations and any decent real man with morals and values would never allow his daughter to behave in such a way. 

Leave and don't look back. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Mon, 03/22/2021 - 2:55am

Your DH is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated.  He is definitely treating SD more like his wife than his actual wife. 

SD will always be his priority no matter how old she gets. Take your DS and leave, because his father will never be the father he should be. There is no room for anyone else in DH life except SD.

Don't let your DS grow up in a home where he to feels like a second class citizen.

bananaseedo's picture

Submitted by bananaseedo on Mon, 03/22/2021 - 11:06am

DO you think there's a chance he could see it by having honest conversations?  I would drop him a few articles on emotional incest to boot.  Some guys do turn this around.  My SD was a horrible mini-wife from ages 9-14 being the hardest ones.  But he would address it, and you better believe I did to.  That wasn't going to fly in my home. 

The problem comes from divorce and not having the intact unit where mom naturally teaches her daughter about boundaries around men (including father, uncles, brothers)- this is typically a womans domain.  With no mom or other adult woman to correct it, it can go awry.  They say it's natural for a young girl to practice flirting with her relatives in preparation for the real world- but it's supposed to be kept in check and with boundaries and safe distance.  It's a very natural phenomenon.  Girls often compete with their own mothers for dads attention- the difference being it's entirely acceptable for mom to check that behavior and put her in her place and nobody would think anything of it.

It a stepmom tries it she's accused of jealousy and hating the skid.  I didn't care- they could say what they wanted, in MY home I was going to be the woman that checked her and addressed it with her when it got out of line (and it was very often).  She stopped the behavior around age 16 and is now 20 and very independent and no longer has these issues.   

Stepmoms need to fight for their rights to address the girl and TEACH her- tell your husband what I said, about his daughter testing him and that if he lived with mom still, mom would naturally teach her what is ok and not-so he should want this for his daughter, to develop normally.

Society (in-laws, well meaning friends, even bm's) will trash the SM for trying to assume this role, leading to an epidemic of mini-wives with poor boundaries and dads to boot.  This is very bad for both their relationshp as lines can be crossed and it goes from 'safe' to ick.   I made sure to share all this with DH.

There were times I was in the same room and she would ask DH to unhook her bra at night- you best believe I jumped on her and told her it was not ok.  I could help her and show her how to do this herself.  If she asked dad to tie her bikini top (at 14 mind you) same thing.  DH did learn to address things on his own though and only on occassion would be so caught off guard at her odd requests that I'd jump in.  You teach them how to do this.  It IS possible.  If you have a man who demonizes you for trying to teach her normal behavior and will stubbornly continue his ways, your best bet then is to run.  There are plent of reformed dads with mini-wives on these forums though.