am I being too difficult/unreasonable
Hello,
my husband and I have been married for 2 years, we have an one year old and another on the way. He has a 23 year old daughter from a previous marriage. Here is the problem, SD has refused to meet me/acknowledge mine and my child's existence. Which is fine, I don't really care, if she doesn't want to meet her half siblings that is her loss. What I struggle with is that my husband financially supports this grown adult, who one decided to attend college out of state, drop out of college, then work for a little bit, then quit, then wanted to travel and now does nothing. Husband to this day feels guilty and thinks that his divorce which happened 8 years ago is the reason she is how she is. I'm starting to worry about our financial future and don't want this to be the norm, I can understand helping one's adult children if there is an emergency or something has happened but I do not think it is fair that he continues to support her while he know that she will never follow through with anything. Also there's only a 6 year difference between SD and myself and at her age I had already finished college, was working and doing my masters and was able to purchase a condo. Am I being unreasonable?
Are you working? If not, it's
Are you working? If not, it's a bit harder to insist that he not support her since it's not your money.
ETA: I too would sit down and talk about how long he plans to support her.
Yes I work, in term of total
Yes I work, in term of total assets including 401k, property investments, salary, I have a lot more than he does. Since I don't have debt. I just worry about the future as I know have little children of my own that I have to make sure are protected if anything were to happen to him and I.
So then, I would split
So then, I would split finances and set up trusts with your money so that his continued insistence on supporting his adult daughter won't take away from your kids. Also do not pay more than your fair share of bills - insist that he pay his percentage to support himself and help support your kids.
Also in addition to
Also in addition to seperatimg your finances a little fact is you can be married and still apply for child support.
Money
Even if you are not working, the money is for the family it is not hers and his.
Want to expand on that?
Want to expand on that?
I can understand your
I can understand your frustration as she is an adult, and not knowing if his plan is to support her forever.
I would sit down and talk to him about finances. Your future and your other children. Then base making some decisions on that conversation.
Do you need to insist that certain amounts are put away for retirement and the other children.
I do need to have another
I do need to have another conversation with him, I'm dreading it since it always causes tension in our marriage. But I do need to define an end to this situation. If she continues to do nothing then something needs to be done.
Although it can be annoying
Although it can be annoying to see your spouse supporting an adult child, especially one who is making no effort, sometimes it really is a MYOB thing. If a father wants to enable his adult child to the point that the child fails to launch and he ends up supporting her forever, but he's independently wealthy and can do that with no appreciable inpact on the rest of the family, then have at it - it's really none of the stepparent's concern. If a father wants to pay for his adult child's college so that the child successfully launches and can support herself, and he can do that while handling his own finances (i.e., paying his share of all expenses, saving for retirement, paying all of his debt as scheduled), then more power to him. Again, the stepparent shouldn't be dictating whether he can spend his excess funds on his first family children if all his new obligations are being met. However, YOUR situation is not one of those.
Your husband quite simply cannot afford to subsidize his daughter, and he certainly should not be enabling her. You definitely need to have the hard conversation with him. Based on his kid's performance in college, she needs to have skin in the game. Let her work and get loans to pay for college and her living expenses during college. Your husband needs to get his huge debt paid off. He needs to contribute fairly to your household, support his young children, save for retirement, carry reasonable life and disability insurance policies to protect his young children's futures if something were to happen to him, and help to amass an emergency fund for your family, all before he's paying for the support of an adult child. You have every right to insist upon this level of financial responsibility to YOUR family.
It's not enough that he's paying his share of the bills. He needs to get the rest of his financial house in order. Until he does that, he should not be subsidizing a 23 year old adult and he really does not have the disposable income to do so.
Yes I work, in term of total
Yes I work, in term of total assets including 401k, property investments, salary, I have a lot more than he does. Since I don't have debt.
-----------------------------------------------------
Whelp there you have it... Do you believe that your wages are going to off set what he is giving his adult child? I do.
NOPE just nope. You are being used ...jmo
You share young children and
You share young children and he has heavy debt. No more supporting his adult failed family progeny.
You have to put your foot up his ass and keep it there. You must protect your family, your finances, and your home from your idiot DH and his stupid decisions.
If he wants to support his adult failed family spawn, nail his ass with alimony and a shit ton of CS for your young kids and he can support her, and himself, from whatever pittance is left.
smh
This guy pisses me off. Give him clarity and make it painful.
No, you're not unreasonable,
No, you're not unreasonable, but you are in a predicament. His diva is doing the ol punish daddy number to get him so miserable that he bows to her whims and eventually dumps you (and his own little child by de facto) for her. Have you been able to get into counselling with him? I would definitely try it.
He needs to tell his daughter
He needs to tell his daughter he has his own debts to pay and two young children who now need assistance.