Alcoholic Stepson
I never anticipated that having adult stepchildren could be such an issue. However, two years into my marriage, my husband and I found out that his 27-year-old son was an alcoholic. He always had troubles with anxiety and did binge drinking in college, from what I knew. The problem became obvious after he had a break-up this past summer. His drinking got out of control to the point that this young man lost his job, was evicted from his apartment, got two DWI's, smashed the car his mother and stepfather co-signed for him. He was literally homeless for a few weeks.
His father and stepfather paid for the first month's rent for a new apartment and my stepson got another girlfriend and went off the wagon after having a fight on Christmas Eve. Come to find out, he has only been going to court-mandated classes and not AA meetings or any type of counselor. My husband keeps making excuses for his son, saying that it's depression and that his son is sick.
I know I have thought too harshly about him and have come to understand to alcoholism is a disease that affects the brain and one's reasoning ability. My frustration is that both fathers, try to rescue him. His mother won't talk to him and I have little contact with him.
I have told my husband that I don't know if I can take a life sentence of dealing with his alcoholic child. I keep asking myself--Do I stay? Or do I go? I understand that my husband can't do much to help his son unless his son wants the help. But it was awful to have to watch my stepson's life go down the tubes this summer and I'm afraid that he's going to self-destruct after another unhealthy relationship goes bust. When that happens, my husband is raked through the coals and our marriage suffers.
Have you guys tried al-Anon
Have you guys tried al-Anon classes? They are designed for family members of Alcoholics. It teaches you how to cope and what to do. You may not agree with everything; but it might just be refreshing to know you aren't alone.
I can only imagine how your DH feels. It has got to be devestating news that your child has an addiction. I know you don't want the extra stress, but talk it over with your DH. Find out how he feels, how he is planning to cope. Try to help out your SS, but if that doesn't work then tough love may be in order. I lived with an alcoholic stepdad and a drug addicted ex and it isn't fun. Good Luck to you.
All three other parents, my
All three other parents, my husband, stepson's mother, and stepson's stepfather, have all tried to help my stepson, but their attempts have not been successful. The court did take my stepson's license away for 90 days and required him to go to DWI classes. I am not sure what is covered in those classes and wonder how this young man is supposed to get better with just the class and no AA meetings.
When stepson was desperate, living homeless, he told his parents he would get help and go to AA meetings. None of that has happened. Instead, he found another girlfriend, another crutch. When the relationship ends (and I'm convinced that it won't last), my stepson will go back to drinking and binging. Last time, he was evicted from an apartment, crashed his new/used car that his parents co-signed, and hasn't paid any of his credit card debt. He hasn't lifted a finger to get credit counseling or find another job. Hubby says that his son is depressed and tries to protect his boy, which I can understand. But I do think that hubby has blinders on to other substance abuse that has gone on.
Al-Anon is a great idea.
Al-Anon is a great idea. Maybe a little marriage counseling to help you identify strategies that allow you to support eachother and act as a team when your stepson's problems seem overwhelming.
We tried Al-Anon and my
We tried Al-Anon and my husband didn't like the "God" talk. I would go again to give it time. I am trying to find another marriage and family counselor. The last one didn't help much or we just didn't get the concepts. I like what you said, Constantly_Guilty. "...to help identify strategies that support each other and help us act as a team." I haven't been successful with approaching my husband and he only gets defensive when I say that he's enabling his son. I have to change my approach but need help and support with doing it.
The way it was explained to
The way it was explained to me, the "God" talk was "the God of our understanding". That can be a tree, if you want. Maybe try again?
I spent time at both AA (I abused alcohol in my younger days...I got over it) and Al-anon (ex was/is a drunk). They both really help. You may even consider some open AA meetings. It will give you a very interesting perspective.
Good luck, there's a lot of
Good luck, there's a lot of good language out there that you can use to help your husband understand that your reactions and responses to your SS's alcoholism actually come from a place of concern and caring rather than a place of attack. But he probably needs to hear these from a marriage counselor first before he can turn off his defense mechanism when he hears them from you.
Same boat
I understand how you feel. I ask myself the "should i stay or do I go" question all the time. Have had many fights and conflicts with each other about the alcohol. But it is an illness and one that we have no control over. My SS is selfish he will walk over anybody and ruin relationships to get what he wants and the worst part is he always gets what he wants. Good luck.
If your DH is not allowing
If your DH is not allowing his alky kid to invade your life why end the marriage?
You and mom need to keep a counter balance to dad and Stepdad and not let the men flush two marriages and financial resources down the alcoholic toilet that is SS.
It's HARD to watch the
It's HARD to watch the enabling and self destruction. I lived it too, as have several others here.
Like your DH, mine wouldn't attend AA or Al-Anon meetings. Part of it was denial, part of it embarrassment. Instead he made excuses, enabled, sent money, made promises, and SS continued to self desctruct. In a way, your DH is correct that depression is a factor, and alcoholism is an illness. But if your SS had any other kind of illness (heart disease, cancer, even an ear infection, etc.) your DH would help him get the right care and treatment. But because we're dealing with the stigma of addiction and mental health, responses are different and usually wrong.
DH finally talked to an addictions counselr and sought advice from friends of ours in recovery. THEY all told him that he was enabling his son, not protecting him and not giving him "another" chance. Same things I had told him, but coming from outside I guess DH couldn't deny or excuse.
SS is clean now, but it was a hard road and relapse is always possible. He is still active in the addiction community, and that helps him with his own sobriety. Your SS will never face his own addiction until he is ready, and by enabling him, your DH is postponing that readiness. If you DH does not hold him accountable and always gives him a soft place to land, then there is no need to for SS to change. And almost certainly your SS will need recovery help treatment, and there are many types, where he will learn to deal with life's disappointments and obstacles.
I hope your DH will take some time to learn about addiction and what he should and should not be doing to help his son. Some of the things he should be doing goes directly against parental instinct, and it is a terrible time.
But also protect yourself. I reached a point with DH that he was driving us into debt and I couldn't pay the household bills without his income, yet SS was living in a hotel with free internet and free breakfast (think Hampton, not a transient hotel). He had to choose between sending money to his son and living with me. I wish I could tell you that I've gotten past the resentment for those years.
Coincidentally (or not), once the money stopped, SS found a bed in a treatment center. Up until then there were a hundred reasons/excuses why he couldn't get into a treatment program. Coincidence, miracle, dose of reality, I don't care. But he is now working, independent, sober, and rarely asks DH for anything. I am grateful.