I want to be fair? Please help.
I have a 13 year old son by a my ex high school boyfriend. He saw our son for the first time when he was one year old. A few months after that I was getting diapers or wipes every 2 to 3 weeks. I firured we would both be starting college at that time so my parents(whom I lived with) and I decided to wait until he got a full time job to take him to court for child support. Then about 2 years later I met my current husband. We got married 2 years after that. Around that time my ex got out of college and the $30 every 2 weeks had slowly morphed into $100 every 2 weeks. For the last 3 years I have been getting $120 every other week (usually late or post dated). I told him I needed more money but he said he doesn't have any(He makes somewhere from $55,000 to $70,000 a year) so I said I couldn't afford a lawyer so maybe we could go to mediation, that's when he said he'd get lawyer. He takes frequent trips skiing to Big Bear or Mammoth and to New York(from Central/Southern California area) 2 cars and a condo. There is a little part of me that is jealous that he has so much financial freedom but I have know he should be paying more. What would be a fair term to come to on this matter?
Different perspective...
This is something that I wonder about... does he see his son? Do you let him see him? The reason that I ask is because it goes both ways. Yes, I totally feel you deserve more money to help manage the expenses, but at the very same time, I also feel that both parents need to be involved. But I totally understand if he doesn't put the effort into seeing his son too, believe me, but I was just wondering what other circumstances there were. I guess I'm being nosy! LOL.
I too feel that you should let the courts decide. You can have a lawyer be appointed to represent the CHILD by the state you know. I don't remember the term, but I would look into that. The lawyer isn't your lawyer, but is legal representation of the child's best interest on behalf of the child.
I don't think that it's ever in a child's best interest to go after the other parent solely for 'retribution money' simply because it appears that the other parent has the money to spend. I'm not saying that this is your case, far from it! I just wonder sometimes what are the alternative motives. I sometimes wonder, really what expenses does the BM REALLY need help with in means for the child? School, food and clothing- yes those are diffident expenses for the child. I get that and all those little extra actives such as sports and activities and the equipment. But all the rest of it, well, even if you didn't have the child, you'd still have to pay to keep a roof over your head, the utilities, etc. You know, I just wonder sometimes about what is really fair?
To me, I don't think it's much to ask for about $400.00 a month personally myself. But when it gets up to over a $1000.00 a month for ONE child, I mean, it REALLY makes me wonder, what makes that so dramatically more 'reasonable' by court standards to expect a parent to may more because they make more? The whole child support deal makes my head spin. I just don't get the logic in it.
I hope you do get at least a little bit more. That is only fair and I don't think that $240 a month is really enough. If you were able to sit down with your ex and talk to him, physically show him receipts, records of what expenses you need help with that involve the child, he may be more apt to reconsider providing more. We certainly didn't have a problem helping our SD's BM out from time to time when she came to us and explained to us what was happening and on the same token we also made a deal with extra time with SD- that never paned out though, but we DIDN'T appreciate when she just tried to take us to the cleaners through court and lied to us about it too. And withheld SD from us at every turn. So, I would be honest with him and let him know upfront that A) there is an easy and amicable way to handle this without the courts or
the courts will decide, and go find a legal library in your area.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Exactly what I was going to say.
Go to the Division of Child Support Enforcement for your state. They will do everything for you and you won't need a lawyer. They can do everything Cheri says, as well as getting you reimbursed for CS payable back to the date of birth, if he's in arrears. It shouldn't cost you a thing.
~ Anne ~
"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other." -Walter Elliot
In some states
you can't get back arrears if he has been paying no matter how little it has been.
She totally should follow your advice and seek help getting child support increased and enforced, but not all states will override arrears since he has been previously paying.
Also, when ever someone states they can't afford to pay more in cs, yet they can afford an attorney....I call bullshit. He makes good income and doesn't want to pay more in cs, so he threatens you with high legals costs. DCS will do everything for free, and if he doesn't submitt the paperwork, you can estimate how much he makes, and they can subpoena the irs for his tax filings to get exactly how much he makes.
I'm not one who wants to rape ncp's financially, but at the same token, you shouldn't be starving b/c he doesn't want to really cover the true expenses of his child. $340.00 a month is not sufficient in your area.
Good luck,
Candice
The problem that I have with this is...
that it is perceived as very sneaky. If you go this route, which you have every legal right to do, be fair warned that the receiving end of this is what creates the animosity among the bio parents...
Personally, what I would do is FIRST talk to him- give him at least a couple opportunities- in person, than in writing. Ask him and show him you need some help and that either he can work with you, or you will go through the court- but don't get snotty with him doing it either. Just be honest, take the emotions out of it, treat it as a business transaction. If he still resists you, you gave him fair warning, both verbally and in writing, that you plan on going through court to rectify this matter. Be sure to provide it to him in writing too, so he can get the physical visual aspect of it. Plus, with that info in hand, to the courts it will look as if you tried.
If you just head off to the Child Support Service Department, to me it's just like heading off to war. At least we saw it that way, because we were always open and willing to help out whenever possible, but we were never given that chance or opportunity. Instead, BM got herself in a jam because she got pregnant with some other guys baby who was a dead weight, couldn't pay for his own self, and so she just turned it back on us, when WE WERE paying for SD what we could already afford. It was mutual, until she got mixed up with this stupid, dumb witted drug addict. But...
She did get some very bad advice, she too just went to the Child Department Services thinking everything will get taken care of for free... but we had a lawyer and nope, that wasn't her case. Now she has to be accountable, we have a very clear and defined schedule with SD, she can't hide anymore, we have legal rights and she is required to provide us information, go back to work and KEEP a full time job at ALL TIMES, and provide for her daughter. So, it goes hand in hand...
I hope it works out for you.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
^^THIS
^^THIS
Part of you
feels bad b/c you don't want to be the "bad" guy and force him to pay a reasonable rate. As a woman, you need to empower yourself and not feel "guilty" b/c your ex bf is going to be mad at you for asking for appropriate amount of cs. When you are a split couple with a child, cs is just a fact of life.
Here are the facts, he is ncp and your are cp, and cs is based on the standard of living for both you and your ex's combined income. Your ex is avoiding you and the legal stuff b/c he knows he is getting off big time with the amount of cs he is paying. I'm not suggesting to rape him financially, but you need to provide for your son, and not just you getting and maintaining a job either. Just b/c your ex bf feels he doesn't "owe" you anything doesn't mean you should sit by idling and waiting for him to pull his head out of his ass and come to terms with the idea his son needs financial support.
I know a lot of ncp's don't like paying cs b/c they feel like it's alimony instead of cs. It's your job to provide for your son, and just b/c the ex bf doesn't want to cooperate doesn't mean you are helpless. Go to DCS, and ask for their help, and just get the ball rolling. He may fire back and say I want custody now...and step mom has a good point, it may start a war, but you need to do this.
Good luck, and don't feel bad, you will be doing the right thing for your son.
I've kind of been on both
I've kind of been on both sides of this one, as a single CP not getting a dime that my EH was supposed to pay. I didn't go through DCSE, because it was all worked out with the property settlement when we divorced. But when he stopped paying, I had to make a decision... either go back to court to get it or have him waive his parental rights. I chose to have him surrender his rights to the child. Now, my DH, on the other hand, always paid every cent that she asked for in their property settlement, even though it was more than half of his take-home pay. When I got pregnant and she sued him for even more, that was the end of that. During mediation, we said we wanted to pay the fair amount as determined by DCSE guidelines in our state, not by what BM thought was "fair," and that we wanted to pay it through DCSE so that there could never be any question about it having been paid. (She tried to say, despite all our bank records, that he wasn't paying.) We won that and ended up paying about $500/month LESS by going through DCSE, because the original amount wasn't a fair amount.
My bottom line on this is that going through DCSE - or at least using their worksheets to determine each parent's liability - is the way to go. It takes the emotion totally out of the equation. We used the worksheets during my divorce and again during mediation with my new DH to come up with amounts that were much more fair than either parent's idea of what they thought was fair. The worksheets got me an adequate amount when I was receiving it from my ex and made sure that my DH was paying a fair amount to his ex.
He's already said he's going to get a lawyer, so I don't think it's sneaky to go ahead and file a claim with DCSE. Let him know that's the plan, if needed to clear a guilty conscience, but never feel guilty about ensuring that children are getting a FAIR amount of support from BOTH of the parents who created him/her. And keep in mind that "support" is not just dollars, it's also calculated in time and effort.
~ Anne ~
"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other." -Walter Elliot