Is your boyfriend coddling his son, too?  And how often does BF have the children?

It doesn't seem likely that this kid would be completely incompetent and unable to do anything for himself just because his mother coddles him unless he is very rarely with his father or dad coddles him too.  If mom wipes his butt, but dad teaches him to wipe his own and then makes him do it, he's going to be capable of wiping his butt.  Same with putting on his shoes and getting dressed.  Even if mom sleeps with him and holds his hand, unless your BF was also allowing the child to sleep with him, he would have been sleeping in his own bed at BF's house. This doesn't sound like it's all on BM.  Someone (presumably your boyfriend, since it sounds like BM isn't going to do it) needs to show him how to do things, consistently make him do them, and give him positive reinforcement when he does.  Kids want to feel accomplished.  

Coddled kids don't make a good transition into adulthood.  They don't have good self esteem, because they never accomplish anything for themselves.  A kid who can't wipe his own butt or tie his shoelaces in elementary school is going to be made fun of. Parents who are too overprotective ruin their kids.  Does your boyfriend not understand this?  Is he doing what he can to get his son to be more independent?  Or did that only start when you entered the picture?

There are a gazillion articles out there about the negative outcomes of coddling/overprotecting kids.  Any competent therapist or early childhood educator will tell you there needs to be a balance between protecting a child and letting him develop independence.  If your boyfriend doesn't understand that, maybe have him read about it or talk to someone.  Even if the kid regresses when he goes to BM's house, your boyfriend needs to immediately "reprogram" the kid when he returns.  YOU can't do it - you'd just be seen as the big meanie girlfriend - but your boyfriend really needs to.  I don't blame you for having trouble liking this kid - he doesn't sound very likeable.  His dad needs to fix it.  I know this isn't what you asked, but I would have trouble respecting a guy who wasn't making a lot of effort to "fix" a kid who is afraid of everything and can't do anything on his own.  If nothing else works he should be trying to get the kid therapy if he's able to do so.

As for you, don't feel guilty, don't feel awful. You can't help your feelings, and it sounds like you're screaming on the inside but treating the child kindly on the outside.  You're right that you can't change the child.  But if you can't live with it, you need to push your boyfriend to change him or your relationship will have problems. A lot of folks on here advise disengagement, but I think a kid like this would drive me nuts even if I tried to disengage.  It also doesn't sound like that's what you want.
 

Might he have an undiagnosed developmental problem. Like you I brought my own kids up to be independent, I do not remember ever having to dress or get them ready. My two young skids were also extremely independent.

I would try setting the same expectations as you have for your own children. He dresses and organises himself, if it is not perfect will it matter? The only way I would offer other support would be if he actually has some sort of developmental problem. 

This sounds quite a lot like my dd12 who has a number of disabilities/health issues. Such as autism, global development delay, learning difficulties and mobility problems. She will make a mountain from a mole hill. Eg if there is a fly near her she will scream like it's going to kill her. Screaming she can't do something. She also has some oppositional defiance disorder which means when she is told to do something (brush teeth etc) she will scream and rock and flap. But even with her issues she is still as independent as she can be. She gets dressed by herself uses the bathroom by herself can put her own shoes and coat on. She does struggle with buttons and they take a while but we have adapted to clothing without buttons apart from her school shirt. Is there anyway you could bring up a "friend" who's child behaves like this who has additional needs and would it be beneficial to get the child some professional help. If nothing else it could spur dad into realising he's hindering his child not helping him grow. Saying you are worried about it seems like it would be taken a lot better than you are annoyed by it. If he does have some medical issues it might also help you feel a little closer to him due to his not being able to help this behaviour. Good luck. 

BM Is crippling this kid and your BF is helping. He may be a dear man, but he's not a great father. I'm guessing that if you weren't there pushing for change, he'd be coddling the boy much as BM does.
 

This isn't going to get better, he's learning that he's incapable of doing even the basic age-appropriate tasks. BM is both infantilizing him and using him as a surrogate spouse, both of which have grave consequences for his psychological well-being. Your BF can probably only help so much since the pull of enmeshment with BM is strong, but he needs to try. 

First, I know, you know that it is not really the kid's fault he is this way... between the way his parents have parented.. and potentially some natural emotional status.. his personality and behaviors are not ideal..and seem stunted from a typical 6 yo.   So, while it's frustrating, I'm sure, the child isn't really behaving this way to intentiionally hurt you.. or for your benefit..it's just how he has been brought up.

But, at 6, there definitely is room for growth and change.  As he experiences more "outside the home" authority.. like at school with teachers and peers.. some of these behaviors may moderate as he naturally finds they aren't as effective or accepted by the rest of the world.

And.. it seems you think your BF is open to improving.. but you do want to be careful that you aren't pushing for the whole ball of wax at once.  And.. you can't get into a dynamic where you are constantly picking at the kid's behavior.. or your BF may start to resent you.

So... perhaps try to come up with a short list of one or two things that you can't accept.  And approach those things in the vein of being helpful for the kid's development.

I got my DH to buy in on working on his kid's politeness over meals because I pointed out that they might not be popular guests  and they might be embarassed when they find out most people don't shovel food in with a spoon and throw fits if they are given a new food.

Trying to focus on the behavior or action.. vs associating it as a negative personality trait.. or that it is the kid you are hating on.

Again.. there are ways that dad can help his son.. and if needed.. perhaps even have him evaluated for adhd or autism etc.. if there is a concern that there are things driving these behaviors behind the scenes..

So I wonder if part of the guilt you feel when you want the kid to toughen up is the sense that maybe you or your mother. I also want to say I totally agree with you! Kids should be able to wipe their own butts at that age! And not lose their cool over nuggets! But also you gave us the context of how you were raised, which points out not only how you've become aggressively independent (and me too), but also that it was traumatic. And I guess I want to say, because I feel this way sometimes, you aren't crazy and I think you're seeing this correctly. You aren't being your mom. You aren't being overly tough. Of course you wanna like your partners child. But it also sounds like things are quite off with the kiddo. I also have a very naturally attached kiddo but work really Hard to foster more independence (because my mama didn't raise any pansies). So in case any of that fear of repeating childhood patterns is part of this, I just wanna say that based on what you're saying here, your response is perfectly normal.

and the second thought it's just based on so many of us here were with partners who created very dependent children, consider always keeping your finances separate. A kid who can't hold his own penis to pee at four might not be a kid who leaves the house at 18. So consider that for yourself, but also for how much additional support it sounds like he may need. I know you said BF, so likely they are already are separate, but just keep that in mind in the future.

Your situation is so similar to mine except I am married and have no bio kids. My ss is 7.5 and sadly has really put me off ever having my own kids.

my husband and I are very compatible financially and in terms of what we want in life. But his parenting absolutely sickens me.

I was also raised to be independent and contribute to the household from an early age. My ss behaviour really triggers me. Ss would not know what a chore is!! My ss also does not wipe his own behind (he has to when he's alone with me because I REFUSE!!), needs help bathing, won't eat properly so my husband has to cook separate meals (of processed crap), can't sleep in his own bed unless my husband is with him and will wake up constantly throughout the night. He's now on a mattress in our bedroom so husband can get sleep which is making me FURIOUS. My ss is coddled so badly it makes me sick. I've raised the issue with my husband but it has just caused fights between us. 
 

my ss also literally spends his entire day (when not at school) in front of our big screen tv. He has been glued to the iPad since long before I met him. If there is no screen in front of him he cannot entertain himself and will drive you crazy. And he just constantly wants junk food and will never touch a vegetable. I like to go for walks and every now and then he will come but he will complain the whole time about being tired and wanting to go back. It really saddens me that a 7.5 year old could be so unfit and unhealthy.

im also triggered by weak people so your post really hits home. I guess my point in this response is to tell you to turn and run. The misery never goes away. These men don't change. The kids won't change. Your bio kids could end up being affected by this child's behaviour. Living like this is constant stress and anxiety!! Go and build a happy life for yourself and your kids without this nonsense. I'm telling you from experience...!!!

wish I could run away but sadly it's too difficult now!!