SD15 is here, 1st visit in 6 months
It's been a while since I've done an update on the SD15 situation. Quick synopsis if you don't want to read my past blogs is all skids lived here primarily, but SD15 was mean/rude to us and DD5&3 and we told her enough was enough back in August. She decided to go live with BM instead of attempting to be nice to the people in our home. DH reached out a few time and SD never wanted to come visit and always had BS excuses. My last blog was about how she wanted to come visit for Xmas but only to stay 2 days, one of which we'd be at my in laws the whole time. We felt like she only wanted to come for the fun of Xmas/ gifts and was not happy about it.
DH pushed to see her longer, or at least for her to have a short visit before then simply to get the awkward 1st visit out of the way, SD gave more excuses...finally did commit at one point, and then backed out last minute with a long message telling DH basically that he was mean to her and he needed to fix it before she would come visit, on top of the fact that she said she wants to stay with BM for as long as possible. Most of the things SD said DH had done that was mean were things that she just twisted/interpretted as him being mean.
Anyways, DH didn't take this well, did not address any of the "mean things" he'd done and emotionally reacted by telling her that if she wasn't coming back then she should let him know what stuff she wanted out of her room because we'd use it for something else then. He cleaned out her room (only furniture left) and gave her the stuff she wanted, he was a COMPLETE wreck that day and said he felt like she had died and that he was never going to see her again. I made a couple phone calls to SD during all this just to touch base with her and hopefully help her understand where DH's emotional reactions were coming from. He obviously is not good at being vunerable and reacted angrily when he was really hurt. SD seemed to be open to my communication and I was glad that 1. this whole thing didn't seem to be my fault and 2. that I was hopefully helping keep the lines of communicaiton open at some level.
Fast forward to this week and she messages DH to say she'd like to come visit and asks if he's okay with that. So now she's here...and of course DH and I were both nervous and on edge about how it would go, how to react, etc. But she's here....and I'm angry....I was not expecting myself to be angry, but I am.
BM bought her these $200 goth lace up massive soled black boots for Xmas, SD15 had nicely done winged eyeliner on (which I've never seen her have before), her hair was dyed/cut, and her nails done (obviously at a salon). Anyways, I think that has some to do with my anger/frustrations. BM was MIA for years when I first came around, and DH and I took care of the skids 100%, once BM decided to be a real mom again she has been buying her affection with hair, nails, trips, clothes, dining out, etc. and it just super frustrates me. Of course SD wants to be with BM, she buys her anything she wants! I don't know...maybe this isn't really why I'm angry...but I'm angry and I can't 100% figure out why and I was not expecting to be angry. Ughhh what a day. I even took a prozac this morning as a preventative because I knew it would be an emotionally taxing day.
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If I may say I think the
If I may say I think the anger comes from a place of what you all went through emotionally and physically and now she is just there like nothing happened, no apologies for her behavior or anything.
You see that she's being gifted all types of new things and it cuts because you know that all the years you provided are reduced to nothing in light of the shiny and new her mom is providing.
I really do hope that the visit goes well and maybe your DH and SD are able to get a chance to talk about everything.
Nervous
I was also nervous when Feral Forger SD21 came to visit Christmas evening, especially after the morning phone call. This was after having not seen her all year, just at his mothers funeral.
Her mother is "buying" her love, and it seems to be working (For now), and SD will grow up to be a selfish entitled bratola. She has become an Emotional Terrorist and withholding her love from her father is her way of trying to manipulate. "Prove your love for me". Yuck.
Feral Forger tried to do that and DH didnt go for it. She texted DH during a fight "please can I have my old room back? Please just put me ahead of your stupid wife for once" When he said "well you will have to work things out with cLove" there were crickets. And she went completely no contact. This was 1.5 years ago. But I remember it very well.
Just my opinion...
Letting your SD come back for a visit without resolving her rudeness or an apology from her, is giving her power to do it again and again. Believe me, my DAH did this over and over again with SD39 (leech) when she was younger. It got to the point that if DAH didn't give her what she wanted she would go back to BM and whine and stir up a hornet nests with everyone. BM would give Leech what ever DAH refused to give her and Leech would stay away, until there was something else that she wanted. This went on from age 9 - 14, then we got custody, because BM was declared unfit through the courts, then DAH became a HUGE Disney Dad.
I think you are frustrated
I think you are frustrated/resentful because you both sent her to BM's thinking she would reevaluate how she treats people and learn a lesson for treating yall like crap but instead, based on her well kept appearance, BM is making life easy for her and she feel self righteous in her choice in leaving y'all's house to go to BM's instead of just fixing her crappy attitude. BM essentially allowed her to run from her problems instead of dealing and improving.
Take a deep breath and know that as nasty as she is to your DH, she will be doubly so towards BM when that piece of work finally starts to disagree with her. They will clash. It is inevitable. Just comfort your husband knowing yall did the best you can and as a teen she will sometimes have to learn the round about or even the hard way before coming back to face you both.
You're angry because
You're angry because everything is transactional. SDs like this learn to emotionally manipulate to get all the gifts they want. The refusal to come over and then coming over like everything is fine and acting nice is just a part of it. My guess is BM told her no for something so she's run off to see what she can get out of dad. Since she has ignored him so long he's dying to buy her affection. BM will be back to buying it once she goes home.
My SD rarely comes too, it's either for the bare minimum around a holiday or birthday to collect presents or to piss off BM. She has learned how to maximize her gifts by timing visits just right and playing the in laws just like DH. They see her so little they are both desperate to buy her love and she plays DH against his own family "that's all he got me for Christmas?" to squeeze everyone for more. Teens know what theyre doing.
I think you are 100% spot on.
I think you are 100% spot on. This is OSD too. In my situation though OSD has worked her way through SO, BM, Grandma and now she is working on BMs neice eventually she wears out her welcome everywhere and ends up getting the same treatment everywhere she goes.
But because she is entitled and nothing is her fauyshe just looks for someone else to manipulate.
I also think some of the hurt and anger comes from watching SO suffer only to realize SD is just cruel and selfish.