Full Custody
So, my last post might not make a lot of sense in comparison to this. Me and DH had a talk and I'm going to start going out more and having a life outside of the boys and him. He has them signed up for a martial arts class as well so I can drop them off while he's at work and I can either have alone time or go out somewhere. He also found a babysitter so If I need he will drop them off on his way to work.
However I have a new problem. The boys went to their mothers yesterday for the first time in 2 weeks and came back this morning when I wasn't awake and DH was at work. I had the door locked but SS9 has a key in case he ever needs it for whatever reason. I didn't know they were coming today. I don't have to work today so its not a problem, but waking up to a 3 year old asking for breakfast when I didn't even know they were here was alarming.
My husband said he had no idea either and hasn't talked to the BM without me. He insists on never talking to her or even texting when I'm not around because of respect. I told him I don't care because I'm not threatened by her but that's not the point.
So I asked the older son why they were here so early when I didnt even know they would be here today at all. He said that him and his mother got in a fight and she dropped him off and said she wished she never had kids. Truthfully it broke my heart because I can't physically have kids and wish everyday that I could. He said she was yelling and her neighbor threatened to call the cops. Like damn how loud is this woman yelling if her neighbor heard...
He went to his room crying and the younger boy told me not to let his mother take him again. He said he doesn't want to go there ever again. I checked them both for marks or anything but other than them both being red from crying they were fine.
My DH is paying for child support. Not a crazy amount, but 400 dollars. When DH called the CS office they said they can only do anything if the "Custodial Parent" takes if away. BM called me and said that they said she couldn't remove it at all.
I told her and my husband that they need to figure this shit out because all I give a damn about are the boys. They are good kids and deserve parents that put them first.
I just want me and DH to have full custody. I dont know the reason for her outburst but there is no reason to tell a 9 year old and a 4 year old you wish you didnt have kids, she doesn't deserve them.
He said he would make calls and do his research, but I want to help in anyway I can, and I'm the research queen.
I figured the best way I can get information is from people that have or are still dealing with this.
As of right now she is considered the custodial parent. They are never with her but one night a week and they're back in the morning. He's paying 400 a month in CS. We live in Dallas TX. What is the best option and how does he, or we, go about it. Is it best to have an atourney if their is a battle. She's not going to give up her money that easy.
I cant say for sure that they are being hurt, but a woman who doesn't feel blessed with these boys shouldn't have them.
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Comments
Think long and hard about
Think long and hard about this. Think about how much money you are willing to spend. Think about how many years (yes years) you are willing to spend in court. Think about how you will feel, when BM, threatened by the loss of her money, takes the kids and refuses to let them visit more than now and then, trying to prove she's the important parent. Think about how you will feel when she makes false allegations of abuse against you and DH, and gets the kids to back them up.
Also think about how you will feel if BM dumps them on you full time and you have to be the primary caregiver. Read lots of stories on here about how far south it can go when you threaten a neglectful BM with the loss of her child support. Be really prepared for how many ways this can go wrong before you jump into it.
So you think I should just
So you think I should just accept that she gets money for kids she doesn't take care of or appreciate
That's up to you. I'm just
That's up to you. I'm just saying that you should really think long and hard whether or not you are prepared to fight over $400/month. Because it will be a huge fight, don't doubt that.
Sometimes you can be right..
Sometimes you can be right.. or you can be "happy".. you can't be both. Sure, your SO should consult with a lawyer to see what steps and cost (minimum) he would be in for to get full custody/primary custody of his children.
But, as others have pointed out.. when BM sees the writing on the wall.. and her $400/month going away.. and gets the impression that you are "stealing her children".. you may find that she fights tooth and nail.. and that can draw things out to a costly long battle... certainly more than the $400/month he is currently obligated to pay.
Unless BM is easily inclined to give up custody and CS.. it may be a fight.. in the end,it may or may not be worth the toll on everyone... she could attempt to turn the kids against you and your DH.. perhaps with some success.
BM losing her cool with her child doesn't automatically paint her or make her neglectful or abusive.
When my YSD was in 2nd grade.. she wanted to come live with us. She convinced her mom to let her.. and part of my DH's agreement with her was that he still pay her CS in the full amount (see where her priorities were)..lol.
The bottom line for him was he wanted to provide the best environment for his child.. and the money for CS was secondary to that point.
maybe instead of full custody.. there would be a better 50/50 schedule? she may be more inclined to go for that.. especially if her CS is not adjusted much or at all.
I know some people say that a high conflict BM will cause problems "no matter what".. but we certainly have seen many cases where attempts to reduce CS has resulted in a BM ramping up their antics.
"when you threaten a
"when you threaten a neglectful BM with the loss of her child support"
OH MY GOSH THIS...^^^^
You care
And thats great. But just remember 2 things:
1. these arent your kids, they already have parents and as crappy as BM is, she is the parent.
2. If you say and do anything that can be taken as being against BM, YOU will become the monster that they say she is. it can and will quickly change around.
Document document document and then document some more. But just know it will be an uphill expensive battle that you more than likely wont win. Unless BM is super willing to sign them over without an argument, and even then you still might have issues, you will be paying and at best get 50/50. Courts are ALWAYs in favor of the bio mother. Unless BM is beating them and you can prove it, she will stay a custodial parent...
Your SO should be keeping a
Your SO should be keeping a visitation calendar, plus a yearly journal where he can document anything noteworthy, such as what SS told you, how upset he was, and BM dumping the kids off without notice or even checking to ensure someone was home. Compile a good six to eight months of records showing your SO has his kids the majority of the time, and then petitioning the court for changes "might" be possible.
And please, consider getting the house key back from the skid. This will eliminate the possibility of skids being in your home unsupervised, or Dog forbid BM getting access to your home.
Tread carefully it is not easy to overturn the status quo
Tog is correct ...to overturn the status quo takes YEARS..not months to do. It most often time takes in excess of 20K..more like 40k to accomplish and yet at best in the end you might get 50/50 and get the privilege of paying more in CS. If your county and/or state is pro bio-mom it will be even harder. Be prepared for endless depositions, interrogatories, custody evaluators, gardian ad litems...which will include you undergoing psychological testing/screening and all cost money. You could be subjected to false CPS/Police reports, in which you will need to defend yourself against.
This doesn't even take into account what will be done to the kids....due to the fighting, court cases, evaluations etc. You will not be the hero..you will become the villian. The kids will be stressed and will have loyalty issues.
Just telling the kids she wished they were never born isn't cause for an overturn in custody. It just isn't. Is it a shitty thing to say, yes it is. Will it cause harm...it could, it couldn not. However, at best BM will be ordered to counseling or anger management. Most likely it will be seen as something said in the heat of moment and not damaging.
Both Tog and I have been through years of battles with our HCBM's.....DH and I were talking about it last night. In about 12 or 13 years we have been in court every year but 2....2015 and 2020. The only reason we weren't in court in 2020 is because NO ONE was in court due to pandemic. We did however have to involve CPS last year and HCBM threated to take us to court in 2020. This could be your life if you embark on a full custody case.
We don't say these things because we want to be mean or that we don't care about kids...yours, ours or others. Its because we have been there and a full custody case will break even the strongest of people and the strongest of marriages. As an attorney once told me..its not sprint..ITS A MARATHON. A marathon that takes YEARS.
You have 0 power or rights. I
You have 0 power or rights. I have been through this before....SS18 decided to move in with us (against my will) when he was 14 and stayed with us until he was 16. When he moved in, we inquired about how to get rid of CS for him, here is the law in TX:
- The child has to be 12yo min to make the decision to live with a parent. If the child is under 12, his living arrangements will be determined by his mother who is the Custodial Parent. She has custody no matter what even if she drops them off every day at her ex, the ex agreeing to visitation daily or outside of the visitation schedule doesnt change the custody unless she agrees to an agreed modification of custody/child support order OR the child over 12yo requests to live with yall
-The child has to live (official residence listed in all admin papers and school) with you and your DH for 6months min. Throughout these 6months, you still have to pay child support to the CP even if the brat lives with you. After 6 months, the State finally allows you to file a petition to change custody/child support and you have to include formal documentation that the child is residing with you full time and he goes to the school district in your area. You have to provide formal documentation that the child is a full dependent and not just someone coming to "visit daily" because your husband and his ex agree to it.
Because BM refused to agree to changing his residence and school district, we had to drive him all the way to school across town and continued to be charged with child support. She also made sure to prevent my husband from having any access to the school's communication, etc
I recommend that you tell the child to stay with his mother and comes only as court ordered. If the child doesnt want to, then both parents can get together and talk about agreeing to modify the child custody/support order (she will never agree to that, im already letting you know) to 50/50 or switch it all but thats a fools dream because it would imply reduction or loss of child support
Your husband and his ex are just catering to the child. He doesnt get to make these decisions. He needs to be with the custodial parent and come over as court ordered PERIOD.
Also you are wondering why
Also you are wondering why the BM told them "i wish i never had kids", wait until they move in with you full time and you will find out why she said that haha you are foolish to think they are "normal kids" and "abused"...let the mother do the parenting of her fked up children
If you do want to pursue this
If you do want to pursue this I would defenitely get a lawyer, it's not going to be easy to get full custody from BM unless there is a valid reason like drug use or abuse you can proove. Like you said, she's not going to give up her money that easily, so you're already preparing for a big battle.
We spent $30,000 just getting a seperation agreement and didn't even end up going to court, but they fought back and forth between the lawyers for a year cause crazy BM didn't want anything in writing, she was used to making all the rules and visitation schedules (which was DH having the kids most of the time and whatever the hell she felt like that certain day) and fought him tooth and nail, and this was just to get a 50/50 schedule (which they finally agreed on anyways) holidays etc on a court order so she had to follow it.
If we had tried to get full custody of SK'd it would have been a looooooong battle and she's an on and off again drug addict.