Adult SS mental health problems
Hi, my two eldest SSs live with me and my husband (their Dad). There is a younger SS who lives with his BM. The middle SS (23) has mental health problems that are badly impacting on our household. He was diagnosed with depression 4 years ago and initially took medication and regularly visited a counsellor. This seemed to stabilise him even though his personality never quite recovered to its former glory. Him and I always got on well and out of the three boys, he was the most consistent, well-behaved and respectful. Over the past year, his personality has become really erratic: talking to himself, drinking heavily, letting his appearance and personal grooming deteriorate, becoming more arguementative. This is all having a pretty devastating impact on the atmosphere at home. His Dad is totally out of his depth. He doesn't know how to handle the situation and things have steadily gone from bad to worse. I've told my husband I don't know how much more of this I can stand. My SS keeps his room in such a disgusting state I wouldn't be surprised if there were maggots or cockcroaches in there. When my husband tells him to tidy up, he either gets ignored or gets a verbal torrent of abuse. He has spent periods of time living at his BMs. She's pretty toxic and rather than co-parenting with my husband to support her son, she uses every opportunity to criticise and blame his parenting for our situation. I've been with my husband for 12 years so been a considerable part of the family for some time. Myself and the SS have only had two arguements in all that time but unfortunately, the last one (on Christmas Eve) was huge with us both screaming abuse at each other. I'm not proud of myself and that was very out of character for me but it was the culmination of years of frustration and followed him screaming abuse at my husband. I want my husband to ask him to leave and go and live with his BM. He seems calmer there. I sometimes honestly think he stays with us just to torment us. He was 12 when I got involved with his Dad so I don't really know what went on before I arrived but he seems to hold some deep-rooted resentment towards his Dad (even though he chooses to live with him!). I'm really at my wits end and am starting to feel resentful towards my husband. He's enabling this awful situation to continue and deteriorate. I don't want to end my marriage but I also don't enjoy being at home. The SSs behaviour isn't extreme enough to get him committed but he doesn't think he has a problem so isn't actively seeking help. I think he suffers from psychosis, paranoia, oppositional defiance, depression...I could go on. He used to have a good relationship with both his brothers (26 & 19) but mostly shuts himself away in his room. When I talk to my husband he says he's trying to sort it out - by which he means he's trying to "encourage" him to move to his Mum's. He's scared that if he tells him he has to go, he'll become more depressed and resentful. Anyone had experience of resolving adult mental health issues?
Ultimatum time - either he
Ultimatum time - either he goes back to see his doctor about changing/adapting his meds or he's OUT. OK, so he thinks he's fine but, the trouble is, that you and his father don't and you and his father own the home. If he wants to stay in that home he sees the doctor and follows the treatment whether he likes it or not.
Yep
Thanks for commenting and I agree with your suggestion. That's what I would do but his father is not strong enough to kick him out. He's terrified that he'll become one of those people we all see, living on the streets using alcohol to survive. I've told him he'll just go back to his Mum's house if he's kicked out! I think there's an element of my husband thinking it looks like he's given up on him by kicking him out. I haven't got kids of my own and I do understand that it's hard to get tough with your bio kids but what he considers support is actually just enabling his son's behaviour and making it worse :-(
Your husband needs to get a
Your husband needs to get a grip. If he won't enforce anything ask him how low his son has to sink before he gets him any help. What if he sets light to the house when he's in a drunken stupor? What if he decides to end it all? Please also seriously consider what Tog said below - she knows what she's talking about in these matters.
Yes, I will suggest that my
Yes, I will suggest that my husband contact his son's Doctor's surgery (that's where he used to visit his counsellor). We definitely need some help as this is not going away.
Seriously, your husband needs
Seriously, your husband needs to wake up to reality. The point isn't to kick him out, the point is to ensure he gets the help he needs. If he doesn't do that then his son will most certainly end up on the streets, sooner or later.
I was going to suggest that
He sounds psychotic - and he is severe enough to be hospitalized, most likely. At the very least your husband needs to contact his therapist and let him know how concerned he is about him, and ask for more services. In my state people can be court-ordered into treatment if they refuse, and the family can start that process.
It's not that easy
Thank-you for commenting. It would be pretty hard for us to get him sectioned here (England). He'd need to be doing something extreme like running around screaming obscenities and brandishing a knife for that to happen. If we called the police, they would just see him as a drunk. You really need to be around him daily to see the full extent of his behaviour as sometimes he can appear quite calm and in control. There's an element of manipulation as well as he seems to hold it together when his Grandma's around!
Then, as terrible as this
Then, as terrible as this sounds, DH needs to push him to that point. Allowing him to wallow in his illness untreated is not the right way to handle it.
Your husband wont force his
Your husband wont force his son to seek treatment NOR will he kick him out.
Your option now is to gather your belongings and leave.
Is ss a danger to himself or others? Please forgive me if I missed that in your post.
I'm also a childfree SM, and
I'm also a childfree SM, and having married into a family riddled with mental illnesses, have some experience in this area. Here's my two cents:
In certain situations, there comes a point where a step parent has the option to step out of their role, take charge, and do what needs doing. Ideally our role is only to support our partners while they do the parenting, but some parents simply can't or won't do what's necessary. Sometimes our partners need us to be strong on their behalf, even if they can't admit it. It's a card to play when reminders, threats, pleadings and ultimatums fail, you're out of Fs to give, or you know your partner is simply not capable.
We've had SMs put on their bi!ch boots and evict freeloaders, and we've had SFs who've interceded with difficult skids who've had their bio mothers intimidated. It's a power play, one that puts us squarely in the role of wicked witch, but sometimes it's the best choice - particularly when a bio parent is paralyzed by guilt, fear, etc.
Also, as a sort of Defcon Five, a few times I've had to warn my DH "I expect you to handle this, here's what needs to happen, if you don't I WILL, and you REALLY won't like the way I do it." You have to absolutely mean it, and be prepared to follow through if necessary. I've lost my poo on him a few times too, and find that he respects me more for it. A little fear can be a good thing, IMO.
Mental illness is a terrifying hydra to have in your home, but that doesn't mean the ill person stops having personal accountability. It's YOUR home too, and if anything your greater objectivity gives you more clarity on what needs doing. I'm not telling you what to do, just offering some food for thought. Sometimes, a queen is stronger than a king.
You've made so much sense and
You've made so much sense and I agree wholeheartedly with everything you've said. When I talk to my husband he gets stressed to a point I feel like I'm pushing him to have a breakdown. He really is out of his depth and the 'my way or the high way approach' makes him feel like I'm unsupportive and adding to his problems. He's weak really and scared to face the facts. I don't want to end my marriage but this situation is putting a huge strain on us all. The SS is currently looking to buy a property with his older brother (of course with financial help from the family). I figure its going to go either of two ways. He'll either continue to struggle with his mental health whilst living with his brother which will result in that arrangement failing. Or, he'll be happier moving away from us and will settle into some sort of manageable stability. By the way, he's always managed to maintain his job and as I said before, he seems to turn the madness on and off to suit the situation. I think he has a deep rooted resentment towards his Dad (and probably me) so maybe when he's away from us he'll sort himself out.
Individuals using their
Individuals using their mental health issues to manipulate/hold their family hostage does happen - provided they're allowed to get away with it. It sounds as if your SS knows how to leverage his problems for maximum benefit.
But to be fair, my DH (who has a diagnosis of chronic depression) also managed to function competently at work, but it took so much to do so that at times he didn't have much left to give at home. Perhaps that's part of your SS's problem? Has he seen his PCP recently? Has he been on the same dosage of the same medication for some time? He may need a higher amount or a different one.
Paragraphs please.
Paragraphs please.
Mentally ill or not, zero tolerance for putrid living, lack of basic hygiene, and disrespectful behavior has to be invoked.
Kick him out.
It is time for tough love. DH
It is time for tough love. DH must choose SS goes or you do.
Your SS sounds to be
Your SS sounds to be incredibly ill needing serious intervention from mental health professionals. Left untreated, the results could be devastating either to him or all of you, The lack of hygiene and not caring about his surroundings is a huge red flag. People in a deep depressive state don't even see how bad their lifestyle is. Your DH is most likely his next of kin. If he cannot step up, then perhaps you can go and speak to a mental health professional and seek advice. You may need to have him hospitalized against his will. If your DH refuses to do that, you may need to move out to protect yourself.