We've all heard "I love him but not his/her kids" but how about "I love kids but not yours". When his kids are self entitled spoiled brats how can you love or even like them?
If my SD turns into a kid like that I won't be happy. Right now she's an amazing little girl. But if she turns out like BM then I don't know what I'll do. Probably something along the lines of "not my kid, not my problem"
My question is how do you love a person who allows their kids to be spoiled, entitled brats when they are with them? I get that they may not be as "good" as they could be due to the other parent, but that doesn't mean they can't at least be presentable.
The bottom line is we don't have to love our SKs. We have to keep them safe, see that they have shelter and food while with us but we dont have to love them. If we are civil and polite, that's all that's necessary.
I think it's important to realize you don't have to love SKs or even LIKE them. Just as long as you are showing respect and being as polite as possible. Also, take into account how Bios are always biased. It is hard to see your own children from an objective standpoint.
Instead of comparing your feelings towards SKs to their parents... think about what do their teachers say? Neighbors? Family members?
SD10 has a terrible attitude and is super negative. For a while, when she was younger I used to think "Wow, maybe it's just me that can't stand her." Nope! Grandparents shared the same concerns. Teachers also comment on her laziness, lack of motivation, and negative attitude. These "outside" voices are pretty reasonable because they have "no skin in the game." Why else would they make up things about SKs that aren't true? They are usually valid concerns and also probably even line up with yours instead of the rose-colored glasses Bios wear.
My friend refers to my Skids as "your mediocre stepchildren." DH does what he can, but BM is a terrible mother. She has allowed Skids to believe that they are owed something and that if something is "too hard" they should be able to get out of it. Case in point, one recently changed all of his classes because he was getting three Ds. He now has "Bs" in those classes, because in the switch his D/F-level work was magically erased. DH asked them about it and the kid said, "mom said it's okay to drop a class if it's too hard"...fair enough, except if special ed English is "too hard" for you, then you really have a problem. DH pointed out that he didn't agree with that approach, but Skids have been having BM "solve their problems" for so many years that I don't think they could ever learn to do anything different. She also does all of this behind DH's back and tells them not to tell him, so they know that they don't have to treat DH as a parent...BM will solve that for them, too. If DH ever tries to hold their feet to the fire on anything they just cry and say he's mean and then she tells all the world that DH is a mean and terrible parent. That only makes me resent SKids even more.
In actuality though, they both remind me of kids that I didn't like in school. They both do nothing at school. One is jerky and thinks he's the coolest. The other is a bit of a creep. DH can clearly see the flaws in the jerky one, but he has a soft spot for the creepy one. He also makes a million excuses for them, because he knows DH is a terrible mother and he doesn't want to spend his four days a month with them being the heavy.
While I agree with you that gaming the system would irritate the crap out of me since it is games that your SKid and BM are playing for him to scam passing grades. If he is using this as a way to recover and put himself on a solid footing for ongoing academic performance.
I did my version of this though I paid the price of repeating my Sophomore year of HS. I blew the first shot at 10th grade. I had always been a straight A honor student, Nat Jr. Honor Society, etc.... Then I went off to a very liberal boarding school for 10th grade where there was virtually no oversight and the kids pretty much ran amok. I certainly did. I passed one class with a D. So, off to Military School I went to repeat my Sophomore year and finish HS. I was top of the Dean's list all three years and graduated at the top of my class as Outstanding Graduating Sr. I certainly benefited from the do over.
I certainly will not condemn a kid for a do over... if they follow through and actually deliver.
If that were the case, I might cut him some slack, but this child has changed classes to avoid "mean teachers" for the last five years. In the 7th grade, he switched his classes three times to avoid low grades, eventually taking a non-credit "teacher's assistant" course where he helped a teacher to organize her papers and proudly talked about the A he "earned". Last year, in 8th grade, after school went remote, he didn't log on once for four months, telling me that it was "all review" and he didn't need to do any of the work. Despite that, this year, he was "shocked" when he was getting Ds in class...hence switching out of the three classes in which he had Ds. He hasn't learned anything other than "mother" will get him out of any situation that feels uncomfortable. Two years ago, BM got his pediatrician to diagnose him as having OCD because he was "anxious about his grades". He was supposed to take medication and go to therapy to deal with this supposed diagnosis, but he is not doing either. She still tells the school he is taking "medication" at home to deal with his OCD, but he never brings medication to our home and the medication he is supposedly taking needs to be taken every day to avoid adverse side effects. She also never told DH he was taking said medication, only copied him on the message she sent to the school about his medication and diagnosis.
Neither his effort nor his dedication to learning changes, his grades are just miraculously raised. Often at the end of the semester, there are notes on his report card that "grade has been adjusted." He even had one grade that went from a high D to a 120% because some overzealous teacher added too many "extra points" in certain areas used to calculate the grade.
I used to talk to him about how it wasn't about the grade he was earning, it was about the level of effort he was putting in and what he was learning. For example, earning a C in a difficult class is more impressive than if you earn an A in a class where you put in zero effort. I would sit with him and go over his assignments and tell him that he should talk to the teacher about whether he could do assignments over to increase his grade. He would nod his head when I said this and then once the going got tough, he would have BM go to the counselor and switch him to a new teacher.
He would tell me that he had to switch teachers because a teacher was "mean". I would point out to him that it seemed like he was confusing "mean" with someone asking him to do something that felt difficult. He would just smirk and walk away.
Now, I just avoid talking to him about school because it's frustrating to me.
How many kids? How old?
Im sure all of us on ST have felt the way you do or we wouldnt be on here.
My biggest worry
If my SD turns into a kid like that I won't be happy. Right now she's an amazing little girl. But if she turns out like BM then I don't know what I'll do. Probably something along the lines of "not my kid, not my problem"
My question is how do you
My question is how do you love a person who allows their kids to be spoiled, entitled brats when they are with them? I get that they may not be as "good" as they could be due to the other parent, but that doesn't mean they can't at least be presentable.
It's a total turn off to be
It's a total turn off to be with a man who has shitty kids, even if the kids are now adults. Not a no for me but a HELL NO!
We don't have to love them
The bottom line is we don't have to love our SKs. We have to keep them safe, see that they have shelter and food while with us but we dont have to love them. If we are civil and polite, that's all that's necessary.
I think it's important to
I think it's important to realize you don't have to love SKs or even LIKE them. Just as long as you are showing respect and being as polite as possible. Also, take into account how Bios are always biased. It is hard to see your own children from an objective standpoint.
Instead of comparing your feelings towards SKs to their parents... think about what do their teachers say? Neighbors? Family members?
SD10 has a terrible attitude and is super negative. For a while, when she was younger I used to think "Wow, maybe it's just me that can't stand her." Nope! Grandparents shared the same concerns. Teachers also comment on her laziness, lack of motivation, and negative attitude. These "outside" voices are pretty reasonable because they have "no skin in the game." Why else would they make up things about SKs that aren't true? They are usually valid concerns and also probably even line up with yours instead of the rose-colored glasses Bios wear.
My friend refers to my Skids
My friend refers to my Skids as "your mediocre stepchildren." DH does what he can, but BM is a terrible mother. She has allowed Skids to believe that they are owed something and that if something is "too hard" they should be able to get out of it. Case in point, one recently changed all of his classes because he was getting three Ds. He now has "Bs" in those classes, because in the switch his D/F-level work was magically erased. DH asked them about it and the kid said, "mom said it's okay to drop a class if it's too hard"...fair enough, except if special ed English is "too hard" for you, then you really have a problem. DH pointed out that he didn't agree with that approach, but Skids have been having BM "solve their problems" for so many years that I don't think they could ever learn to do anything different. She also does all of this behind DH's back and tells them not to tell him, so they know that they don't have to treat DH as a parent...BM will solve that for them, too. If DH ever tries to hold their feet to the fire on anything they just cry and say he's mean and then she tells all the world that DH is a mean and terrible parent. That only makes me resent SKids even more.
In actuality though, they both remind me of kids that I didn't like in school. They both do nothing at school. One is jerky and thinks he's the coolest. The other is a bit of a creep. DH can clearly see the flaws in the jerky one, but he has a soft spot for the creepy one. He also makes a million excuses for them, because he knows DH is a terrible mother and he doesn't want to spend his four days a month with them being the heavy.
While I agree with you that
While I agree with you that gaming the system would irritate the crap out of me since it is games that your SKid and BM are playing for him to scam passing grades. If he is using this as a way to recover and put himself on a solid footing for ongoing academic performance.
I did my version of this though I paid the price of repeating my Sophomore year of HS. I blew the first shot at 10th grade. I had always been a straight A honor student, Nat Jr. Honor Society, etc.... Then I went off to a very liberal boarding school for 10th grade where there was virtually no oversight and the kids pretty much ran amok. I certainly did. I passed one class with a D. So, off to Military School I went to repeat my Sophomore year and finish HS. I was top of the Dean's list all three years and graduated at the top of my class as Outstanding Graduating Sr. I certainly benefited from the do over.
I certainly will not condemn a kid for a do over... if they follow through and actually deliver.
If that were the case, I
If that were the case, I might cut him some slack, but this child has changed classes to avoid "mean teachers" for the last five years. In the 7th grade, he switched his classes three times to avoid low grades, eventually taking a non-credit "teacher's assistant" course where he helped a teacher to organize her papers and proudly talked about the A he "earned". Last year, in 8th grade, after school went remote, he didn't log on once for four months, telling me that it was "all review" and he didn't need to do any of the work. Despite that, this year, he was "shocked" when he was getting Ds in class...hence switching out of the three classes in which he had Ds. He hasn't learned anything other than "mother" will get him out of any situation that feels uncomfortable. Two years ago, BM got his pediatrician to diagnose him as having OCD because he was "anxious about his grades". He was supposed to take medication and go to therapy to deal with this supposed diagnosis, but he is not doing either. She still tells the school he is taking "medication" at home to deal with his OCD, but he never brings medication to our home and the medication he is supposedly taking needs to be taken every day to avoid adverse side effects. She also never told DH he was taking said medication, only copied him on the message she sent to the school about his medication and diagnosis.
Neither his effort nor his dedication to learning changes, his grades are just miraculously raised. Often at the end of the semester, there are notes on his report card that "grade has been adjusted." He even had one grade that went from a high D to a 120% because some overzealous teacher added too many "extra points" in certain areas used to calculate the grade.
I used to talk to him about how it wasn't about the grade he was earning, it was about the level of effort he was putting in and what he was learning. For example, earning a C in a difficult class is more impressive than if you earn an A in a class where you put in zero effort. I would sit with him and go over his assignments and tell him that he should talk to the teacher about whether he could do assignments over to increase his grade. He would nod his head when I said this and then once the going got tough, he would have BM go to the counselor and switch him to a new teacher.
He would tell me that he had to switch teachers because a teacher was "mean". I would point out to him that it seemed like he was confusing "mean" with someone asking him to do something that felt difficult. He would just smirk and walk away.
Now, I just avoid talking to him about school because it's frustrating to me.
Same Playbook
My SS pulled the same "Flip my D- to an A and get praise from proud Daddee that I'm doing so well!" manipulation several times.
He baaaaarely graduated. Just barely.
The good thing is when the
The good thing is when the kids turn out to be losers it won't be your fault.
I love kids...
when they wipe their own arse and stop pissing on the toilet seat
when they go to bed at a normal time because they have a normal parent who doesn't let them choose when they go to bed
when they stop saying "my daddy" every 2 minutes to remind you that daddy is ours
when they don't eat all the good food every weekend and then leave
when they don't come over because they are on a really long holiday with their BM
when they suck at sport and their parent doesn't convince themselves that their kid is the best in the team
when they stop telling you about "when my mummy and daddy lived with me at our old house"
when they stop saying "I like my mummy's spaghetti not yours"
when they stop death staring at you if you come within 1 foot of daddy
when they don't sit on daddy lap until they are 42 years of age
(No subject)
Right on, sister!
Yes!