" A Disneyland Dad Scorned"

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By: MWC

Yesterday I lost it with DH, his crying, not standing up to Stalin (BM) his own mom, (who bugs the shit out of us and has zero clue)

MWC: "I've got to tell you something DH. I've been watching this for over a year and it is making me want to vomit."

DH: "Huh? What?"

MWC: "The way everybody is GUILTED and babying and spoiling SS5. It is absurd. Do you guys have any clue as to what you are creating?"

DH: "What do you mean?" (sad look)

MWC: "You speand all your money and time trying to BUY your own kids love. A child's love is unconditional, you should never have to buy it. You let an almost 6 year old crawl up in your lap while taking HIM on a day vacation and look up at you and say, "Da-wee, I love you, can you buy that for me?" Which you did and can you not see that everybody around you is taking advantage of your niceness, even your own dog for God's sake! You are raising a child to expect to get everything he wants. You will have a very entitled and spoiled teen on your hands."

DH:(weeping of course) "I just don't know what to do for the poor little guy...." (please)

MWC: "How about teaching him how to eat with a fork, tie his shoes and maybe, just maybe buy something with his own monies?"

DH: "I guess you are right."

MWC: "Because I refuse to go along with this. What happened to kids being happy just tagging along, having food in their tum-tum's and a roof over their head?"

DH: (Here is the kicker, THANKS Crayon) "I just want the little guy to like me, I have to "compete" with his mother.

gag*

MWC: "You have to compete for what?! For your own kid to love you? Be for real DH, he does not need "stuff", he needs a normmal parent. Stop this or I am so out of here." (I meant it.)

DH: (sobs) "I give up...Stalin wins.." (sobs)

*** Guilty daddy to the rescue. Don't buy your kids affection, it should come naturally.

MWC ( TBC)

MWC - This is a turning

MWC - This is a turning point for you and for your DH , I believe.

You have 2 choices here.... You can continue to berate and belittle your husband into doing what we all agree is appropriate.

OR you can talk to him in a way that will enable him to be a better parent.

You started it... you started by telling him that he can teach his child to eat with a fork, tie his shoes and buy something with his own money. You definitely scored big when you told him that he shouldn't have to compete to have his own kid love him!!

But I think you can also step back and have a little empathy for this guy. Is he really so so lost in himself and his relationship with his child that he thinks the way to have one is to have "the little guy like" him? And that he has to compete?

He opened that up to you and gave you a real answer as to his motivation.

Please don't throw that back in his face (as BM surely would). Please help him overcome those feelings of fear and inadequacy, and let him know (gently) that by being a REAL parent, instead of a guilty one, he will do far far much more good in his child's life than he would on the path he is on now. Also, please - if you want to stay with him - stand by him and HELP him stay strong on that point.

What's sad to me is that he acknowledges what he is doing, and is cognizant enough to say it. Can you understand how sh*tty that must feel to him?

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

like I can't even reply

*like*
I can't even reply now because nothing I say will come out as good as this!

I love you Stick but

I love you Stick but consider this please as I am one foot out the door:

ALL DH does is talk and cry about his ex-wife, their kid. DH will CALL me from work and do nothing but talk about the X. How would you get after a year of that?

I have begged him to give me a break!!! You have no idea.

Yesterday, our 1st day alone on a weekend in 6 months, I had asked him to go somewhere with me as it was 78 degrees and sunny! What happens?

DH wakes up, sulking, yet again not wanting to do anything with me alone, after telling me he would.

I am hurt beyond belief! I have been there for this man 24/7 for a year now! Even on the phone the convos drift towards the X and the SK.

To "top" it off- MIL called yesterday talking about his X too! Then wants me on the phone to talk about this!

Are you kidding me about giving HIM a break?! I'm going nuts here!

How long was it between the

How long was it between the break up and you and dh getting together? I think it's obvious here he didn't give himself enough time to "grieve" over his marriage before he moved on.

____________________________________________________________________

Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.

MWC - You made me laugh a

MWC - You made me laugh a little girl.... I love you Stick.. but!! Hugs my friend!

Yeah, I can understand how that would get old... especially with what you are going through besides.

And I can relate to your husband talking about his ex a lot. My husband used to do that here to me, and it really made me angry. He wasn't talking about his ex-wife though, he was talking about 2 ex-girlfriends he had after her left that he really loved. He kept bring them up a lot when we first got together. And I would tell him to stop, it hurt my feelings, etc etc.

Finally, whenever he brought up an ex I started telling him the same sorts of things about MY ex boyfriends. I started bringing up my past. That helped nip it in the bud.

I am wondering if your husband is so overwhelmed by your and his loss, that he is misplacing the sorrow toward his ex and son. Do you think that's possible? We can misplace anger.. do you think we can misplace sorrow too?

I am so sorry that you are hurt. And you are right about where you are trying to lead DH. And I really can so understand your frustration. I just don't know if you and DH are in a place to help each other right now.

What was DH sulking about yestserday?

Sorry this is such a difficult time for you MWC.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Ok, I should have read more

Ok, I should have read more posts or something...

I understand now where you're coming from. I'm having some serious respect issues with my Fdh right now regarding the ex. There is nothing that hurts more then knowing this person always has a bit of your mans thoughts. All the fights we have are about her or the way she is raising sd. I can not remember the last time we fought about something that had nothing to do with our Step situation. I'm sorry girl. You can try to talk to him about it again, or go to councilling, or you go to councilling. But whatever you do, if it works let me know!

It hurts deep, you know? No

It hurts deep, you know?

No therapist can fix this- if only after one year it is this way, wth will it be like in 5?

Ohh I know. I don't think

Ohh I know.
I don't think anyone can fix it but there could be better ways of dealing with it right? I don't want to be at home having an anxiety attack everytime fdh goes to talk to bm, because I'm afraid of what hes telling her and shes telling him. idk I wish my dh could accept a parental relationship with her, and not try to be buddy buddy. He is hurt when she does dumb things and that because he's letting her in too deep.

I am thinking I need to

I am thinking I need to divorce NOW or just go out by myself or with friends yet he will POUR on the guilt about being home alone!

I need to LIVE here, not just be some free therapy.com or something?

Do you understand how bad this all hurts? I never dreamed it would become like this.

If you are young, don't EVER marry a guilty daddy with young kids. Never. I don't care if you are 80, don't do it.

Too much baggage to have a normal life.

TW~ 2 years.

Stick~ DH is sulking around

Stick~

DH is sulking around talking about what he could have "been", what a "bad bad" daddy he is, how HE is...get this new one, "Just want to die..."

Wow. That really did make me feel like shit. You have to understand that this is a man who can't let go.

A note on the "dying" drama...I don't believe it- he is too arrogant. (trust me here.)

I think he screwed up with his last marriage and has regrets.

I'll admit, his X and the MIL have done a number on him.

Me? I would not answer calls, turn off ringers, ditch the unfounded guilt at his age of 42, and go out and have some fun with that pretty new wife. I don't get it.

I don't even want to answer HIS calls anymore. Just to listen to more drama...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH (Excuse me)

MWC - He needs help. It

MWC - He needs help. It sounds like he needs real serious help. And I'm sorry.

Reading that MWC... I don't know if you can even be the one to help him. He's playing the victim right now, and I am wondering why.

I can't stand people when they play victim. It is my biggest peeve, I think.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

This is tearing me apart. On

This is tearing me apart. On my very last nerve.

I feel like screaming, "Get the hell over it dude and move on and quit sulking around!" Live for pete's sake!

I admit- I am what they label as "The Convenient Wife."

Free 24/7 therapy, cook, maid, nanny, (not anymore though), sex.

I am very pissed at myself for letting my spirit be so drained.

Deep breaths..... and then

Deep breaths..... and then maybe primal screaming? Aside from that, take the time to tune them out and
take care of yourself. If you won't do it, who will?

Make a list, set up your boundaries, whatever it is you need to do for you - do it. You've done
enough for 'them'. Be as selfish as you want to be.

As for the wine, since your totally aware of what your doing, I wouldn't worry too much about it.
But, yeah, get mad, it'll be your motivation for whatever action (positive or negative) you take.

BTDT more than 10 years ago - I feel your pain.....
And I also know that if you want it to, you can make it all change.
It's hard, but doable.

Btw, you reminded me of a very good book that I think every step should read -

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0425174379/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_2?pf_rd_...

What ever happened to dads

What ever happened to dads taking their kids camping, fishing, sledding, playing football, softball, teaching to catch, ride a bike!!!!

We all smile in the same language

Exactly.

I am not kidding either, I

I am not kidding either, I am totally losing 'it' myself now.

Not good when you get to the point of wanting your dh to leave so that you do not have to sit and listen to this, nonfrikinstop. Honest.

I feel like packing my car and running so far away from this.

As far as dh playing "victim", you are correct.

BM is supposed victim, ss5 is supposed "victim", dh is supposed "victim." Excuse me, what about MWC here, you know?

I need a glass of merlot. Sweet, not dry.

This is sad to me, MWC.

This is sad to me, MWC. He's going to lose you and not quite understand why... and then he will have more to sulk about. He may not get it until it is too late.

You need him and his support and he needs to understand what he is doing to this life.

He needs help... I just am at a loss on how to get it for him...

I'm so sorry.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Yes, he will.

x

You know what 'new'

You know what 'new' revelation disturbs me that I am feeling?

Why am I feeling so guilty now myself? When/ where did this come in to the picture?

I sense a lack of trust on my part, something I openly admit to feeling.

It's like I can hear the words of DH saying to me; "You don't love me. I knew you would leave me all along like everybody else has."

Why is it
(look at the dynamics) that I am the one feeling guilty now? How is this "passed" around like this? BM to DH. DH for SS5. MWC for DH...OKAY, now look at that equation...WHO feels guilty for...MWC??? Wow.

well take the next hour and

well take the next hour and think of the answer:

hint:

the only one who can ever truly think about you....is you...and when you wait for others to do it, all you get are failed expectations and an emptiness in your life, whereas if you are totally in charge of you, no one else is responsible for filling the emptiness.

I think we often dismiss the

I think we often dismiss the voice inside and rationalize away....Personally this is where I always come out feeling pain. The voice or intuition always speaks for me, for my interest, but I ignore it trying to quiet it. I hope this makes some sense...

Thank you, Folkmom, really.

on a side note...i think

on a side note...i think pondering our own inadequacies is always best accompanied with wine:)

So true~

Crayon~ Exactly! Thank you!

Crayon~ Exactly! Thank you! (again)

I think it may be in the "water".......;-)

" Tell DH to keep up the good work if he really wants to lose his son in the end, lose you and see his son head down "budding felon road"

You could then introduce the "productive" suggestions; "DH, let's teach SS5 to say "daddy" properly, tie his shoes, learn his alphabet, count, etc. you know, things he'll actually be able to use in REAL LIFE, but DH, be prepared for PUSHBACK from SS5, because you'll soon see that SS5 is starting to only come here for the goodies! Also be prepared for pushback and jealousy from Stalin when she sees that you are the REAL parent here!!"

*Yes! Exactly my point! Can you guys see this kid in 5- 10 years? Can you say "Charged as an adult?"

I don't give it that long. You have one DH here who has a son who is so spoiled and demanding now (Stalin spoils the kid it seems) then is carted over here expecting mickey d's and pizza on a daily basis along with non-stop fun and games. (In a demanding way too.)

Now picture that attitude in 10 years?! Can you say felon? Can you say, "Non productive citizen?"

This household must seem like punishment. And I assure you the ss has more than he needs here.

Stepmomto2~ Your story is

Stepmomto2~ Your story is one I have been so searching for. Thank you for the affirmation of my..."Prophecy."

No way ss5 is going to want to visit his dad. We are refusing to buy him, EXACTLY the way you described your BM situation.

Why would a kid/ teen want to visit where they are not given EVERYTHING they want, anytime?

Your story is exactly how this is headed.

Thanks again!

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" A Disneyland Dad Scorned"