I wish I knew.....especially because I know my didn't feel this way when they were married....
actually I think it all comes back to divorce guilt....my DH is harder on our 2 year old than he is on SD13 and SD17.
for example....SD13 will jump on the couch...lay over the back of the couch...rock back and forth on our dining room chairs and barstools.....to the point of falling a few times....he says nothing....DD2 will sit crooked in a chair and he's getting on to her.....
They know. They just can't admit it or they look like bad parents and it's admitting their failure. They need to think the CODs turned out perfect because if they admit they're messed up failures then it will make them feel even more guilty for the divorce. This is why they're harder on shared kids, they know the skids are messed up and they don't want to make the same mistake again.
There's also the fact that skid love is conditional so they can't be too strict or they will never see them again. Meanwhile the new wife and kids love is treated as unconditional so they get the short end of the stick. You'd think someone who is divorced would realize that isn't true.
Daddee had been actively PAS'ing our daughter literally since the day she was born. I stupidly allowed it to go on for years, and our long-overdue divorce spurred him to exponentially worse PAS. I did not see or hear from DD for several years. Her father died some years back, and she has decided that she wants a relationship with me after all. However, when I turn the other cheek, it's a nether one. I do have a relationship with her now, but I deliberately keep her at arm's length. Her behavior has improved a bit, but nothing has changed fundamentally. She's still quite capable of doing immense damage on a whim, and I will never again allow her to get close enough to hurt me.
Here's hoping that your DD comes back to you and that you are able to mend things with her better than I have done with mine. Patience, young grasshopper.
"If you have bios and parents are still married, no need to worry about kids liking one parent over the other."
Unfortunately, PAS can be active and toxic even in intact marriages. My own kids were victims of this dysfunction. Unfortunately, I can be a little slow on the uptake and allowed it to drag on for years before I finally realized I could not fix it.
I believe a lot of these divorced parents are narcissistic so they view their children as exceptional, special, etc.They are out of touch with reality.
Same reason why people stay in relationships that they'd tell others to run from: love blinds us from the bad, and makes us protective of our own decisions (mistakes). With kids, there is the added layer of "well, they're just kids", mixed with having adult guilt over not raising saints (since the world doesn't like gray areas in people and their behaviors).
I've mentioned this before: It's not just parents with new partners who behave this way. I have found that parents in general think, or at least want you to think, their kids are perfect.
I have run into this as someone working professionally with kids and also in my personal life. Examples:
Friend, confiding to me that her son's girlfriend of 6 months was pregnant: "Hasn't she ever heard of birth control?"
Neighbor, on my telling her that her 4-year-old had destroyed a large portion of my expensive new landscaping by snapping off newly-planted shrubs at the soil line: "He certainly did not!" Me, pointing to a bare planting strip: "Actually, yes he did. I came out here just as he was breaking off the plant at the end of that row." Kid, peering out from behind Neighbor: WAAAAAH! Neighbor pushes Kid farther into the house and slams the door in my face.
I could go on, but no doubt you all have plenty of similar stories of your own. I really do not know what is behind this. I do know that the issue is neither confined to the re-partnered nor is it a new thing--I can recall numerous examples that I have observed and suffered from over the years. Not only is it infuriating to the adult who gets blasted by the brat's parents, it's really too bad for the kids, who ultimately become the victims of their parents' misguided attempts to protect them and/or shore up their own opinions of themselves.
What to do about it? First, try to realize that it's really not about you. These nitwits will gaslight anyone who dares suggest that their offspring fall short of ultimate perfection. Next thing, figure out how to deal with the nitwit in your life. EIther call him out loudly each and every time and insist that he straighten up, or just remove yourself and leave him to his nitwittery. Disengage or dump.
DH doesn't think his kids are perfect, but he definitely gives them more concessions than he would if he lived with them full-time. I think that's due to two things: 1) he knows that BM is not a great mother, so he feels that it's not their fault that they are immature and mediocre (my words, not his); 2) he doesn't want to be the heavy because he only sees the EOWE. Still, I know he's bothered by their behavior sometimes, because he will tell me that he feels as though they are "regressing", but then he won't really call them out on it. He also is sometimes blind to how behind they are in terms of academics, social-emotional development, etc. For example, one of his high school age children still regularly throws temper tantrums and neither one of them can read at a 6th grade level.
I wish I knew.....especially
I wish I knew.....especially because I know my didn't feel this way when they were married....
actually I think it all comes back to divorce guilt....my DH is harder on our 2 year old than he is on SD13 and SD17.
for example....SD13 will jump on the couch...lay over the back of the couch...rock back and forth on our dining room chairs and barstools.....to the point of falling a few times....he says nothing....DD2 will sit crooked in a chair and he's getting on to her.....
They know. They just can't
They know. They just can't admit it or they look like bad parents and it's admitting their failure. They need to think the CODs turned out perfect because if they admit they're messed up failures then it will make them feel even more guilty for the divorce. This is why they're harder on shared kids, they know the skids are messed up and they don't want to make the same mistake again.
There's also the fact that skid love is conditional so they can't be too strict or they will never see them again. Meanwhile the new wife and kids love is treated as unconditional so they get the short end of the stick. You'd think someone who is divorced would realize that isn't true.
Yep! That fear of not seeing
Yep! That fear of not seeing the kids....
that fear is real though.....my own Dd18 did it to me a few years ago....she didn't get her way and went to her dads and never came back.
So sorry to hear this
This happened to me too. It hurts like hell.
Daddee had been actively PAS'ing our daughter literally since the day she was born. I stupidly allowed it to go on for years, and our long-overdue divorce spurred him to exponentially worse PAS. I did not see or hear from DD for several years. Her father died some years back, and she has decided that she wants a relationship with me after all. However, when I turn the other cheek, it's a nether one. I do have a relationship with her now, but I deliberately keep her at arm's length. Her behavior has improved a bit, but nothing has changed fundamentally. She's still quite capable of doing immense damage on a whim, and I will never again allow her to get close enough to hurt me.
Here's hoping that your DD comes back to you and that you are able to mend things with her better than I have done with mine. Patience, young grasshopper.
It's part of the narcissist
It's part of the narcissist profile - they believe they're entitled to special treatment.
https://psychcentral.com/blog/endlessly-entitled-narcissists-what-to-loo...
Yep, fear of "they won't want
Yep, fear of "they won't want to come over anymore if I ________." Ask them to brush their teeth, do their homework, put away the junk food, etc.
If you have bios and parents are still married, no need to worry about kids liking one parent over the other.
If only!
"If you have bios and parents are still married, no need to worry about kids liking one parent over the other."
Unfortunately, PAS can be active and toxic even in intact marriages. My own kids were victims of this dysfunction. Unfortunately, I can be a little slow on the uptake and allowed it to drag on for years before I finally realized I could not fix it.
I believe a lot of these
I believe a lot of these divorced parents are narcissistic so they view their children as exceptional, special, etc.They are out of touch with reality.
Same reason why people stay
Same reason why people stay in relationships that they'd tell others to run from: love blinds us from the bad, and makes us protective of our own decisions (mistakes). With kids, there is the added layer of "well, they're just kids", mixed with having adult guilt over not raising saints (since the world doesn't like gray areas in people and their behaviors).
A great many parents do this
I've mentioned this before: It's not just parents with new partners who behave this way. I have found that parents in general think, or at least want you to think, their kids are perfect.
I have run into this as someone working professionally with kids and also in my personal life. Examples:
Friend, confiding to me that her son's girlfriend of 6 months was pregnant: "Hasn't she ever heard of birth control?"
Neighbor, on my telling her that her 4-year-old had destroyed a large portion of my expensive new landscaping by snapping off newly-planted shrubs at the soil line: "He certainly did not!" Me, pointing to a bare planting strip: "Actually, yes he did. I came out here just as he was breaking off the plant at the end of that row." Kid, peering out from behind Neighbor: WAAAAAH! Neighbor pushes Kid farther into the house and slams the door in my face.
I could go on, but no doubt you all have plenty of similar stories of your own. I really do not know what is behind this. I do know that the issue is neither confined to the re-partnered nor is it a new thing--I can recall numerous examples that I have observed and suffered from over the years. Not only is it infuriating to the adult who gets blasted by the brat's parents, it's really too bad for the kids, who ultimately become the victims of their parents' misguided attempts to protect them and/or shore up their own opinions of themselves.
What to do about it? First, try to realize that it's really not about you. These nitwits will gaslight anyone who dares suggest that their offspring fall short of ultimate perfection. Next thing, figure out how to deal with the nitwit in your life. EIther call him out loudly each and every time and insist that he straighten up, or just remove yourself and leave him to his nitwittery. Disengage or dump.
DH doesn't think his kids are
DH doesn't think his kids are perfect, but he definitely gives them more concessions than he would if he lived with them full-time. I think that's due to two things: 1) he knows that BM is not a great mother, so he feels that it's not their fault that they are immature and mediocre (my words, not his); 2) he doesn't want to be the heavy because he only sees the EOWE. Still, I know he's bothered by their behavior sometimes, because he will tell me that he feels as though they are "regressing", but then he won't really call them out on it. He also is sometimes blind to how behind they are in terms of academics, social-emotional development, etc. For example, one of his high school age children still regularly throws temper tantrums and neither one of them can read at a 6th grade level.
When all else has been eliminated.
What remains must be the truth.
These delusional parents are idiots.