Eggshell Dancing
This is our week with Munchkin and shes been with us since Tuesday as we gave up a day for some sort of project that shall not be named. (?)
This is how its going so far:
- Happy at first.
Then defensive when any mention of Feral Forger is made. FF is going to visit Toxic Troll with "a friend" the day after Thanksgiving. So Munchkin is excited to see her sister. YUP. The same sister that she has been complaining about, criticising, jealous of, mad at. The same sister who regularly steals from her and would exclude her on purpose and you know all the negative stuff, which has been going on for you know 7 years. But now, shes CHANGED. And people CHANGE. Shes TRYING.
- Feral Forger got into an accident (as a passenger, because still not driving), so now at 21 she is afraid of driving, and walks to work. More defensiveness "because sometimes people go through traumatic things..." Yeah, like me having to listen to scream fests every morning, deal with being treated as less than human, ignored in my own home, yelled at, called names, lied about. But, hey! Job! Shes trying! What was her excuse for not driving BEFORE this supposed accident?????
I did mention that "well we want the best for her always..." that shut the argument and defensive behavior down a bit...
I am doing the Eggshell Dance, because everything I ask or give an opinion about is met with either 1. defensiveness 2. argument
3. silence and pouting.
Sunshine! Unicorns! Love and Blessings! Turkey is ready! This will be my Thanksgiving...
And I thought it was bad when Munchkin SD14 was defending her BM, and how she is the "abused" wife who regularly got drunk and would hit and dig her nails into her husband, and throw things at him, which is why he hid the crystal. Ive now got double the fun and "Eggshell Dancing".
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I would just change the
I would just change the subject whenever FF's name pop's up.
M: FF said..
You: Interupt her mid sentance "Yeah, so have you heard that Georgia is doing a recount?"
Whatever you can throw out fast that will quickly deter that sentance from even being finished!
Politics also a no-go
That produces a poutfest as well, due to her request to not talk about politics.
LOL. But yeah:
Munchkin: "FF is really working on this that and the other thing"
Clove: "Oh look! A unicorn!!!!"
You are responding correctly
You are responding correctly with the "We want the best" reply. I know, I know, you despise Toxic Troll and Feral Forager with every fiber of your being but you are acting correctly, for Munchkins sake. Do you think she doesn't know the reality? I promise, she does. I know that our 5 kids saw all, know all, understand all, the bad and the good about me, DH, BM and ex. Actually, it is excruciating to realize how much they understand (Ive made many mistakes in my life).
But it's crucial to help Munchkin maintain a positive attitude to them, if she can. Somehow, it seems more important to maintain the positive attitude toward same-sex relations.
Hang in there, Clove, kerp dancing!
Does JRI stand for
Just Reliving It? JK. Thanks! Youve had a long haul there.
I think that Ive made almost every mistake possible. I laid the groundwork for this about face. When she would bring up the subject, I would just say "we love her from a distance...I love her from a distance". When it was at its worst, my response was " well, Im really hoping that she turns things around and starts appreciating you..." or my favorite stock phrase "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"
Every now and then we would discuss the bad behavior exhibited by Feral Forger. But its just been the past few weeks or so (while with her mother), that she started saying things positive and being defensive, if I question anything to do with her sister. I sort of had a feeling this change around would happen and not wanting to be demonized for it (Stepmothering course #100b dont say anything remotely negative about siblings or bioparent it will most definitely be used against you at a later time...)
Yes, just have to stay positive. I offered that she can bake a special pie for her sisters visit...sunshine!
She knows
Oh yes, she knows. I have been an open book. But still trying to stay positive.
- I go into fixer mode "she needs to drive, why isnt your mother insisting on this?"
Munchkin goes into defensive mode "my mom tries!!! and she will leave!!!" So that was then.
NOW, I just go "hmmmmm shes still not driving?"
Munchkin goes into default defensive mode "well she walks to work now, shes TRYING".
Another good response
My step-grandmother used to say, "Well....." - kind of dragged it out. I overheard my stepdad complaining about me to her one time and that was her response. Lol.
Use my standard response
that is interesting....my kids now know that is my standard answer for something I can't really comment as it will not be a postive comment.
Greyrocking at its best...
SD..Beaver got me colored contact....That's interesting....(in my head..WTF...YEA LETS RUIN HER EYES)
SD..Beaver has property in the bourbon state from her relatives...That's interesting
SD..Beaver doesn't like your hair ..That's interesting. (in my head..I DONT GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHAT YOUR ORANGE TEETH RODENT OF MOTHER THINKS)
See....I responded but its all neutral.
hmmmmmm
with different inflections.
Sometimes uhhuuuuuhhhhhh works as well. Actual words create a new defensiveness position. Its the new thing.
Honestly, Munchkin will be
Honestly, Munchkin will be struggling with these relationships when she's in her 50s, most likely. It's best to accept that she's probably not going to feel about them like you do ever - they are her family.
(((HUGS)))
(((HUGS)))
Sometimes this stuff is ALL waaaayyyyy too much.
I remember the egg shell dance. Then there came a time where dh and I just stoped dancing. Best decision we ever made.
Have you thought about stop dancing?
(((Hugs back Thumper)))
Ive thought about it many times. Its why Im so exhausted after munchkins visits.
It's rough, she's going to
It's rough, she's going to defend the trainwrecks because they are her family. Not engaging is the best and least painful way. When Spawn used to tell us stuff about Meth Mouth my response was usually "huh, well good for her." Then move on. I had to mentally chew my tongue to bits to not say what I was really thinking. Sadly I have a tendency to roll my eyes and my face totally relays how I really feel.
yes. They are trainwrecks
But they are HER trainwrecks.
Ive been there for almost 7 years now, through all of the stuff with her sister. Yikes. This will be tough...but hey Rainbows!
Also, it's totally normal
Also, it's totally normal with toxic relationships to go through the love/hate dance - she'll be mad at them and tell you awful things, and then defend them again and think they are great, blah blah blah. It's how it goes.
Love/hate dance
So we are dance partners! Sunshine & Rainbows.
Yes, I see her going through all this, so much so that I have whiplash.
Yes, you are an involuntary
Yes, you are an passenger on TT's toxic roller coaster along with Munchkin. I went through that with SS. It's hard to do, but it helps a lot to figure out how to step off that roller coaster and not care so much how she feels about her other family.
One way is to just go, "oh," when she says something about them and change the subject. Every time. Talk about your home and what's important to you.
They are her sister and her
They are her sister and her mother. They are her family and she loves them. Yes they are terrible people and you hate them but she'll never see them through your eyes. I honestly would avoid discussing them with her. I'd change topic and try to distract.
She needs to see a therapist, a neutral objective party. It's not helping her to run it by a SM who is in your case biased and intensely hates them (for a good reason). Stay out of this topic or offer generic "oh I see."
Don't engage in bashing them and don't get upset or take it personal that she loves them and want them in her life. She'll never feel about them the way you do. I'd let that go
Yep. And for my SS, in
Yep. And for my SS, in hindsight, I now realize it was all part of his "poor me" game. He bitched about us to BM, and BM to us, and guess who was off the hook as the pooooor victim. HIM.
I remember someone on here saying, "You know, he's not an innocent victim," when I'd feel bad for him. They were so right.
Yup. I am sure munchkin
Yup. I am sure munchkin bashes her dad and SM to BM too. That's how this girl bonds with adults in her life. It's unhealthy game and I'd keep myself out of this game. I'd not stoop to that level.
My SKs have a terrible evil mother, but I told them it's inappropriate for me to speak poorly of her. They understood.
Fine line to dance
Correct the untruths, I dont think are saying negative things.
Oh, Im sure that she is saying things like "they dont have snacks for me" or "I dont really like her that much"...to appease the Troll.