Consequences of damaging behavior (threatening to kill my son)

Forums:

My stepson is missing part of a chromosone. He is unpredictable at best. I have struggled with his behavior for years, attacking my bio son, being forced to switch schools, daycares. He's gotten kicked out of extraciricular activites. He uses profanity, he is in a "special program" at school. He's agressive. I have pleaded with DH is get his son assessed on so many occasions. He's gone as far as to break a TV. DH has let bio mom make all of the decisions for SS medical health. SO - there has been nothing done.

The last straw of this behavior was the other day. SS got mad at my son, then proceeded to go into the kitchen and grab a sharp kitchen knife and threatened to kill my son.

We have SS EOW - standard. I have told DH that until they get a handle on this situation that I don't want SS over at our house. I get extreme anxiety when SS comes over and now I apparently have to remove all the knives in the house? No.

Advice woud be greatly appreciated. Is this a reasonable demand? Not allowing SS around my son? What kind of consequences should SS recieve for pulling a knife out on my son? Will this work out in the long run? DH wants to "bring SS closer" spend more time with him, facetime him everyday etc. DH has also agreed to get the kid in therapy; however, I feel like it may be too late. And regardless, it's going to be a long process.

Over the last 7 years I have run out of patience and I'm not at a point where I can mentally bring his son closer when I feel like I have to protect my own son.

I'm going to put it to you

I'm going to put it to you straight. Your first obligation is to keep your children safe. It is damaging for your kids to grow up in a home where they do not feel physically safe. The fact that your SS has a disability is really irrelevant and sounds like it is not even being properly addressed by his father.

Your options are.

1. Move out and have separate households but remain married.

2. Require your husband to have visitation outside your home.

3. Divorce this guy that isn't parenting his child and not getting him the help he needs.

It's not fair for you to allow your kids to experience this crapfest just so you can stay in a relationship.

Sadly I agree with you.

Sadly I agree with you. *sad*

I'm really sorry to say it

I'm really sorry to say it too. I mean, I get it.. it's tough when there are circumstances that stand full on in the way of what we wish were possible, but your kids need you to keep them safe. But, maybe if your husband realizes what the consequences are to him for not dealing with this he will take action.

Ultimately, if his son is a continued danger to those around him.. he may not be able to remain in a home with family.

Yes, this is reasonable. You

Yes, this is reasonable. You don't say how old the child is, but he's going to end up in jail because his parents won't do anything about his obvious issues.

Not only do you need to protect your child, but I'm not sure how you can respect DH, who isn't getting his son the help that he needs.

SS is 11.

You and DH are both failing

You and DH are both failing your children at this point. You are need to keep you child safe by either having DH and his son move out or you and your bio move out. Or DH gets a place that he visits with his son on his weekends.
Your DH needs to pull his head out and help with his childs health care and take it seriously.

Failing would be to do

Failing would be to do nothing. Maybe you didn't read the part of my post where I said: I have told DH that until they get a handle on this situation that I don't want SS over at our house.

That being said, SS hasn't been to our house since the latest incident. Sometimes a person stays in a situtation with hopes of change. I love my DH. My son loves my DH. The SS has a medical condition. The bio mom has medical rights. Could DH have been more aggressive in getting his kid into treatment? Yes. I agree with failure regarding that.

It takes people different things to get them to a breaking point, the fact that nothing has been done, the fact that the kid is getting older and I now actually fear him brought me to this point.

OP, these are hard words to

OP, these are hard words to hear, but they are accurate. Your child should not have been subject to this at home for a LONG time. It is great that you have banished him now, but you should have taken steps to protect your son long ago.

Do NOT let your husband talk you out of this and allow his kid back in your home. Your husband may threaten (or even follow through with) divorce. So be it. Protect your child.

You are correct and I have

You are correct and I have been standing firm. You are also correct that DH has threatened divorce; however, I am still standing firm. Only time will tell what happens from here.

If ANYONE would have pulled a

If ANYONE would have pulled a knife on my kid, I would be out of there in a New York minute. Are you kidding me? I feel so bad for your son that YOU and YOUR DuH have let it get to this point.

Nothing like a knife being

Nothing like a knife being pulled has ever happened. I'm not down playing this behavoir at all. I also came here for discussion and support, not judgement.

You wrote: SS got mad at my

You wrote: SS got mad at my son, then proceeded to go into the kitchen and grab a sharp kitchen knife and threatened to kill my son.

Sorry, this doesn't require discussion, it requires action.

Sometimes discussion is

Sometimes discussion is helpful. The SS still hasn't come back over or seen my son. I have a meeting with a parenting facilitator and DH this week on how to move forward if even possible.

SS went straight back to bio

SS went straight back to bio mom's house after the incident and hasn't been allowed back.

KEEP IT THAT WAY until he is

KEEP IT THAT WAY until he is cleared by mental health, that he is NO longer a threat to anyone.

Your moral and legal

Your moral and legal obligation is PROTECT YOUR BIO CHILDREN. --

I am sorry you are faced with all of this.

I would not let SS back into your home

Untill there some medical report that he's not going to do this again. ( fat chance). What means SS has to get help for a year or two . Being put on meds ect. This most likely is not going to happen. Since it hasn't happen so far, disengage from SS , BM.
If SS pulls something like this again call police and file assault report

Under the circumstances, I

Under the circumstances, I think it is completely reasonable for you to demand that the SS not be allowed into your home or around you and your child. I'm sure it will be difficult for your husband, but perhaps this will give him the incentive he needs to insist that BM do something to get SS more help than he is currently receiving, since it seems that she controls medical decisions. I would hold firm on this, and if your husband insists on having his visitation with SS at your home, my inclination would be to find another place to live with my son. Your husband needs to know how serious this has become.