Even the “ideal” step situation is draining
My SKs have been with us most of the past two weeks, due to Labor Day -- and that they generally now push the 50/50 schedule to spend maximum time at our house. DH had to be out of town part of this weekend, so they were with just me.
I couldn't ask for better step kids. They've matured exponentially in the past year, becoming self-sufficient at home (per my training): cooking, cleaning up, and generally being capable near-adults. BM has minimal effect on our household. I have the authority and the warm relationship to correct the SKs, and they respond. I had deep conversations with OSS about college, with SD about relationships, and YSS about whatever comes in his inquisitive head. All three dote on DD3, in their ways. It was a great weekend.
And now... I want them the eff out of my house.
No matter how good my relationships with the SKs are, their presence still slowly drains me. I would never tell DH that, and I imagine they'd be very hurt to know it - I doubt my presence in their lives is at all intrusive.
But like any other houseguests, including my own much-loved siblings... they stink after a few days (thankfully not literally, like some of the hygiene-challenged horrors on here!). And when I hear them busting into our kitchen unexpectedly during BM's time like the frigging Koolaid man, my blood pressure jumps a bit.
They aren't guests of course - but I think they will always feel like guests to me. And that's rather sad.
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I know what you mean
I felt the same about my SKs when they visited. I'm an introvert and even the most dearly loved guest is hard on me. My 3 SKs moved in full time over a 9 month period. I don't know what happened in my brain but once they were here all the time, they were "family" and I didn't have that "guests here too long" feeling altho I had plenty of other issues, lol. It was a BIG surprise because prior to that time, their arrival was traumatic to me. It must be something to do with the transition back and forth.
How long have you been a step
How long have you been a step for? I've always wondered if I will ever feel like SD is part of the family rather than a guest? I too enjoy when she's here but once it's Sunday I'm ready to go back to our regular life.
We've been married going on 5
We've been married going on 5 years.
Honestly, to me, the "ideal"
Honestly, to me, the "ideal" step situation is one in which I don't have to be their parent at all. Where the bio parent does all the parenting, and I assist as I feel like it. Also, it would be one in which the OTHER bio parent also pulls her weight and doesn't expect anything of me.
In other words, your situation doesn't sound ideal to me at all, you've had to raise another woman's children. At the very least, you should get a break and have the house to yourself when DH isn't there.
There's a lot of hard truth
There's a lot of hard truth in your comment.
I started out fairly hands-off with my SKs. But when they bid for the maternal care they were missing from their mother, I gave it.
Now I don't know how to pull back without giving them a second rejection from a maternal figure.
Yeah, that's tough - but
Yeah, that's tough - but honestly, my parents took vacations without us all the time. There is nothing wrong with you saying, "Guess what, kids? Picardy needs a break, too. So while your dad is gone, you are going to your mom's, your grandma's or your friends' house. You decide."
You don't have to be mom, and even moms want time away from their kids.
To clarify my post, the two
To clarify my post, the two days alone with them wasn't itself the issue, it just intensified things slightly.
And DH is a hands-on dad. He doesn't expect me to pick up his slack (well, maybe when SD has tampon issues, lol).
But we've "blended" into the operations of a traditional two-parent household. And I thought that was the ideal, *if* all household members wanted it. I thought I wanted it. But maybe I don't.
I think that's a good thing
I think that's a good thing to clarify for yourself, because you aren't obligated to do it. I don't know how old your skids are or how much "mothering" they need, but it might be good to figure out how you can step back some. Honestly, most traditional two-parent households contain a woman who is doing WAY more work in terms of parenting and the house than the man is - which would not be at all reasonable, IMO.
OSS17, SDstb16, SS14 - all in
OSS17, SDstb16, SS14 - all in high school. Launching is in sight (and they're on track to launch healthily, thank goodness)!
You are in an intense period
17yo, 16yo, 14yo -wow! I understand, we had FIVE all in the teen years at the same time. It is intense! What was difficult was all of them going thru the same things at once. All stsrted driving one after another. Dating started with all the attendant drama. High school. Graduations, college, army, marriages.
The upside, now that I look back, was they all exited one after another, too. Of course, there's plenty of upheaval with that but just think: within 8 years they could all be out! DH and I have been happy empty nesters since the mid-80s (except for various temporary movebacks which he secretly loves).
If you love your DH, you will have many happy, childfree years and it could start within 8 years and you will love it.
And we have a 3 year old too!
And we have a 3 year old too!
Honestly, the high school years seem easier than the middle school years, at least logistically. Middle school was non-stop shuttling to activities, and BM was much more up their butts and disruptive of our household.
I am looking forward to the post-launch years. I think it was a book by Patricia Papernow that said the SM does get a honeymoon period with her DH, it just happens after the kids are grown. (Assuming they actually fly the nest.) Here's looking ahead!