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Relationships with former SKs after DH’s death

Picardy III's picture

This topic is (hopefully) decades down the road for me, but some recent financial planning made it cross my mind. 

DH and I are early middle age; he's nearly a decade older than I am. We're both healthy, but his family has some degenerative disease, while mine has none and tends to be long lived. So it's quite likely I could outlive him by several years.

I planned to treat his older kids the same as our daughter, when they're adults: full inclusion from my end in family activities, trips, gifting, inheritance, etc.: I have strong relationships with his kids, and our finances are joint. But if I outlive DH significantly, and could possibly remarry if I were still youngish at his death, I don't know how my relationships with his kids would change. It's unlikely we would cut contact entirely IMO, but boundaries would shift.

These are all hypothetical musings, but I'd rather think ahead than bait-and-switch my SKs somehow if our joint connection -their dad- passes first. Any thoughts from other SPs who have experienced or are thinking ahead for this situation?

 

Comments

tog redux's picture

Unless something significant happens between now and then, I would never speak to SS again my life. 

justmakingthebest's picture

For SS20, I would continue to take care of him for as long as I physically can and then I will implement what we have discussed for his long term care in our old age. It wouldn't matter to me or even SS (I think) if something happened and I did remarry (of course I wouldn't actually marry, just due to spouses survivor benefits that I would lose). SS20 sees me as his parent and knows that I will keep him safe. He will be provided for equally if not more so than my bios depending on their ages. 

For SS16- I seriously doubt we will hear from him after his 18th birthday. Dh doesn't even think he would show up to his funeral if he were to die tomorrow. 

Thisisnotus's picture

 I mean I do realize that DH and I share a toddler....but it is what it is....and I would not ever go out of my way to see skids....And I would hope to never have to see them again for as long as I live......actually I would probably cut ties with skids and dhs entire family and move far away.

 

 

ESMOD's picture

There are different facets of this issue.  There are the inheritance/wealth distribution issues.. that may be wholly separate from the ongoing relationship issues.  I have been a part of my Skids life since they were 5 and 9.  I'm in my mid 50's and my husband just a few years older.  I don't really see me being interested in getting married again at this point.. but who knows right?

I think I would always want to "do the right thing" by my skids and provide that they would be able to inherit things and value that their father and I have built together.  I don't have any bios so the only real alternative would be to give it all to my nephew.. but he will be ok in his own right from his family.. so really I would probably go aheand and still leave things to my skids.

Now.. as far as a relationship and seeing them?  I would probably keep in close touch with my younger SD... but I could see the relationship with the older one drifting.. 

I don't think there is any way to plan or promise what will happen in a situation like this 100%.. it's not a onesided decision.. and not necessarily one you would have with skids now either.. I guess it would be an offer to keep the connection going until one or both of you decided that it was no longer necessary?

CLove's picture

We would hopefully keep in touch after the funeral/memorial. And hopefully not just to give her her things. She not particularly good about keeping in touch unless I instigate something.

Feral Forger Sd21. I doubt I would hear from her after the funeral/memorial.

Currently we need to get our ducks in a row as regards death planning as well as wills etc. Basically I get everything in the event he dies first. I have promised that I would help Munchkin if possible, for things like college. I have no bios of my own, so there are other family members I might will my stuff to. 

thiscantbenormal's picture

After what my stepkids pulled, they can all take a long walk off of a short pier.  I hope they never reach out to my daughter (half sibling).  I'd never see DH's side of the family again. 

shellpell's picture

We are already long distance but we are leaving the country when skid is 17-18 to put even more distance between us. Will never talk to ss again if anything happens to dh and will caution my two against it as well.

surprisestepmother's picture

I will be taking as much as possible for myself and my kids and never speaking to SD or BM again.