Oh no SD13 is behaving like a brat! Is this the beginning of the end :(
Oh no SD13 is behaving like a brat!
I’m so disappointed and starting to question who SD13 really is. I witnessed some terrible behavior from her last night and honestly it isn’t the first time. I think I’ve just been trying to ignore it. The behavior is only slightly directed at me and far more subtle than how she behaves to her dad.
She had two friends over for a sleepover last night and wanted DH to order her pizza. He told her he was planning to make chicken stir fry instead. SD13 texted him that her and her friends would just starve instead of eating stir fry. He ignores this. When he attempts to put it on her plate, she turns the plate toward the ground and drops it and says oops. DH gets mad but treats it like an actual accident on her part (it clearly wasn’t). She then tells him how disgusting it is and doesn’t eat any (it was actually really good). He ignores this and says nothing else but gives all of the kid’s cake. I’m embarrassed for DH and for SD13, this behavior is just really unacceptable to me, but it isn’t actually happening to me so I just ignore it…but is that right?
Additionally, when I got home from work earlier in the day SD13 is here with 5 friends. I’m pretty annoyed because DH did not let me know but no big deal, I’m glad she has friends over (sometimes she struggles with friendships). Also, SD13 has had lunch and snacks for her and her friends and left a huge mess in the kitchen (ugh but I’m not cleaning it up, so I let it go). They are in our basement when I come home so I go down to greet them. When I walk in SD13 acts like I’m intruding, ok maybe I interrupted something, or I read the situation wrong. So, in order to alleviate the awkwardness (and help me not feel so angry). I say Hi there who do we have over today…I don’t think I’ve met everybody. SD13 rolls her eyes and our neighbors daughter introduces the new friends to me. I make some small talk all the while SD13 says nothing and treats me like a huge inconvenience. I leave and shortly after they all go to the neighbor’s house. When SD13 and two of her friends come back my sister and my niece are over. She and friends walk right past them without saying hello. My sister says is everything ok with SD13 and I say I thought so. I take my sister and niece to look at the basement (we’ve done some renovating recently). SD13 acts like we are intruding and gives me a dirty look (I’ve kind of had it now and want to say friends can go home if she can’t be nice but, I don’t). I say SD13 did you say hello to Aunt and Cousin? She comes over and says hello, but it feels forced and I can tell my sisters feelings are a little hurt.
I’m so disappointed in SD13 and I feel like this is all going in a really bad direction. I know SD13’s mother and her sister (SD18) have terrible things to say about DH and I but I always thought SD13 would make her own mind up about us. I’m starting to feel like we are losing her too. I know she’s a teen but my own D15 has never behaved this way. I feel like we are likely losing her too when she doesn’t have to come here anymore, I think she won’t. I think she likes that we live in the neighborhood with a lot of her friends, she likes the vacations we take, she likes the clothes we buy her…but she really doesn’t like us. It makes me so sad. I don’t want to do anything for her anymore, which is why DH made dinner. We both worked 10 hours this particular day and we were both tired. I know DH doesn’t want me to tackle any of this with SD13, so I won’t but its really frustrating….and it just sucks! I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own home because of a 13 year old and her friends. I know I can’t make her love/like me but how can I be comfortable??? Help!
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Why doesn't he want you to
Why doesn't he want you to tackle it? Would he say the same thing to a teacher about their classroom? A friend's parent about their home? Likely not, and it's not fair to you, either.
Your DH needs to make a choice: try to teach his daughter how to be a good person with the possibility of losing her, or placate her so that he has a superficial relationship with her based on how well he can kiss her behind. You need to decide how you want to disengage from this while also not allowing yourself or your family to be disrespected in your own home.
Dumping stir fry on the floor should have resulted in friends going home, SD cleaning it up, and SD eating nothing but that stir fry until leftovers were gone. Her mean girl attitude and disrespect to her father likely isn't lost on her friends, and this behavior will only push the good ones away. If your DH doesn't address it now, you'll end up with kids who don't give a f**k in your home, with a DH who feels empowered to do nothing.
the way I understand it
I think he feels like I handled a lot of the situations with his older daughter (SD18) and he feels I handled them too stringently which caused her to leave and us to have no relationship with her (currently actually my choice becasue she's behaved so badly). DH is really permissive (just like his mother). I'm not a disciplinarian by any means but I don't put up with bad behavior or disrespect from our kids....or rather I didn't. DH and I are both hurt so badly by what happened with SD18 we are not behaving like we normally would. I'm afraid to take action because I don't want to be blamed again. It's a tough spot and I think I probably need to just go back to being me...even if it ends badly with SD13.
Good god, if I did that when
Good god, if I did that when my friends were over, my mother would have ended the party and called all the parents to come pick up their kids.
Your DH fears losing his daughter so he handles her with kid gloves. All that will happen is that he will lose her anyway, and she will have zero respect for him. Or he can step up his parenting and lose her, but still have her respect when she gets more mature.
I would disengage and be cordial to SD, but nothing more.
Omg... if my DD did the plate
Omg... if my DD did the plate drop thing I would politely tell her friends to go gather their belongings and call their parents the party isn't going to happen tonight. Then I would tell DD to get her a$$ in her room and don't even think about coming out until her friends are gone. I would take them home if needed.
Then DD would have hell to pay. Phone gone, TV gone, computer gone- Chore list that will take her a week to finish: Wiping baseboard, weeding all the flower beds, scrubbing all the tile with bleach and a toothbrush! I swear that would be the last time she ever acted like that.
As a step mom... If I was faced with that I would tell my husband get get all of the other kids out of the house and he better get his kid under control or I will. If he didn't then the same thing that I would have done to DD would be happening to a stepkid and if they don't like it too freaking bad. They can have stuff back when they change their attitude .
This did directly affect you,
This did directly affect you, even if you ignore the dinner - she was rude to you and your guests in front of her friends. You absolutely should address this with her. If left unaddressed it will be repeated. It is not for your husband to say that you must accept rude behavior from anybody. You have a right to demand respect, especially from a child in your home. Personally I would have done it at the time, but I can understand the instinct not wanting to embarass her in front of her friends. Though she did a pretty good job of that herself.
I remember being around 13 years old and going to a friends house and being shocked at how much of a brat she was and how badly she treated her mother. I am sure sd's friends noticed her behavior and lowered their estimation of her.
I'm just so beat up
I'm just so mentally beaten up that I feel like it is easier to be passive. Which is not at all in my nature. When I talked to DH about it the following day he said he didn't think it was that big of a deal and he told her in front of her friends she was being a brat and he felt that was enough. I told him I still wasn't comfortable with things and I wanted her to wait to have friends over. This led to a dramatic tantrum from DH who in front of my D15 said if SD13 couldn't have friends over neither could she. D15 is still upset even though he appologized later. He's just so emotional over anything having to do with his kids and he's so convinced that SD13 is being slighted and doesn't get the same things as D15 that he's impossible to deal with. We spoke about it in therapy last night but I'm not confident he really will make a change. D15 shouldn't have to take this and I'm so upset that he behaved this way. I'm feeling really sad about all of this and so alone. It just sucks and life is too short to deal with this all of the time.
That's B.S. Your kid doesn't
That's B.S. Your kid doesn't have to live like this.
I would not hesitate to put a
I would not hesitate to put a child in her place in front of her friends with this kind of rudeness. You are the adult here.
What a brat!
What ever DH
Is doing or thinks he doing. It’s not working. He must change his parenting
You must disengage. Before it’s becomes your fault. He will not blame himself
No more Vacation no more buying her anything. Let DH handle it.
That plate drop. I would not
That plate drop. I would not have tolerated that at all and addressed it righ there. Even if DH would have been mad at the wrong person for my reaction. Heck no.
OSD's 13th birthday party was at our home. She asked me nicely to do a cocoa bar. So I agreed. Took a while and my time. BM was there (NOT what I wanted but she didn't stay long and was pleasant). DH was obviously there. I was there. Who was treated as they didn't exist? Yep, moi. NO ONE, including DH, made sure I was introduced to the friends I didn't know. OSD walked right by me, introduced them to "my mom" and "my dad." Nothing was said about me, after two rounds of this (and the friends looking at me strangely like who is that?), the third time I said, "Yeah, and over here, I'm her step-mom, Cover. Nice to meet you." Cue uncomfortable silence. So I left.
Never got a thank you for the cocoa bar (which remained almost untouched), never got introduced to the parents - but for one who introduced themselves to me, very nice, and I told DH I was absolutely appalled and embarrassed to be associated with any of them that evening. I was clearly NOT included. And I would never, ever again help with any skid birthday ever again. And I haven't.