My child is a secret from the ex wife
Been with SO for 3 years. He has daughter with ex who live in a different country. He goes to stay with them one weekend a month. Relationship quite toxic but still spend weekend together as family for sake of child and they don't speak same language so ex has to translate. She didn't know i existed until recently when he said he was getting married. But he didn't tell her I have a child, their daughter thinks dad just works away for the weeks he isn't there. So when they video call my child has to stay out of the way and hidden so not to upset ex and child. I also have to stay out the way. SO says it has to be this way in case she gets annoyed, doesn't let him stay at hers one weekend per month and stops translating. But is it acceptable that my child is a secret and could potentially be very hurt just to spare the feelings of his?
No, it's not acceptable, and
No, it's not acceptable, and what a weird situation.
He needs to either learn the kid's language or teach her his, and establish separate visitation time with her, rather than relying on the ex and pretending they are still a happy family.
You are the other woman. He
You are the other woman. He has two familes and is living two lives. This is not normal or acceptable. If he loved you he wouldn't hide you or his child with you no matter how much it would upset his Ex. He is damaging his child more by pretending to still be a family with his child and Ex. She will grow up thinking you ruined her family and hate you and yall's kid together. All of it will come out eventually and it won't be good.
Agree with above. You and
Agree with above. You and your daughter are both secrets from the child, who thinks daddy just works out of town. And why is it ok for the ex to know about you and not your daughter? Are you sure she knows everything about you? Is your SO your daughter's father? I agree this guy is living a double life.
I'm definitely not the other
I'm definitely not the other woman but I certainly feel like it! He's terrified visitation will stop and translation will stop if he gives her reason to be angry. Ex speaks both languages but won't teach their daughter his language - I really feel for him. But at the same time feel like my child is a dirty secret (not his bio child) and I feel bad for keeping him out the room and quiet for phone calls. SO just thinks I'm jealous that they're talking. I'm really not, just hate the secrecy of it all
How can he think anyone would
How can he think anyone would be okay with this? Does he just plan to keep this up until his child is 18?
And why isn't HE learning the child's language? Why can't he get some kind of court-ordered visitation schedule away from the ex?
In his eyes, you are the
In his eyes, you are the other woman. He does not want to "break the news" to her or his kid because he doesn't want to upset them. He cares more about their feelings and maintaining a sense of normalcy, than being honest about you and your child.
If he is "afraid" she will stop translating and letting him visit, why not hire a lawyer? That HAS to be less expensive than traveling out of the country consistently. Your DH seems to be doing things behind your back and not going about the legal system. Shame on his part for lying to BOTH families. He is only causing damage and it will come to light eventually. I would rethink the relationship. Are you REALLY okay with him spending time with his ex and spending the night there? I would not be. He doesn't get to pick & choose and have the best of both worlds.
If he doesn't want to come clean, I would contact her and let her know what is up. Then go from there. For all you know he could be promising them he will move back.
I 100% know they're not still
I 100% know they're not still together - his mum who I get on really well with has travelled with him for visits has seen with her own eyes there's no relationship there
Even if they are not still
Even if they are not still together, this is a really bad situation.
Ugh. I wouldn't put up with being a secret - or shushing my child.
So am I unreasonable for not
So am I unreasonable for not being comfortable with all the secrecy about my child and feeling like an inconvenience in my own home for being around when they video call? He just says it has to be that way for the sake of the relationship with his son. He gets extremely angry with me when I express how it makes me feel. It's his way or no way. I'm questioning whether he's right and I'm just a jealous partner who doesn't understand
He doesn't think he has any
He doesn't think he has any legal rights because they are in different countries
No, you aren't being
No, you aren't being unreasonable. I wouldn't stay in that situation.
Why doesn't he consult an attorney in the country that she is in?
I'm sorry, he doesn't think
I'm sorry, he doesn't think he has any rights? Has he talked to a lawyer?
He has tried to learn the
He has tried to learn the language but has found it hard to pick up anything other than the basics. He has a very stressful job so I guess he doesn't have the head space for it either.
I know the ex is always going
I know the ex is always going to be around and that's not my issue. I just want to feel comfortable in my own house and not feel like we're in the way. He just thinks I'm jealous that they're talking! They do have to talk an awful lot and conversations aren't always about daughter so general chit chat so it isn't ideal. But it could be made so much easier for me
I'm confused, up above you
I'm confused, up above you said "for the sake of his relationship with his son"?
Sorry I meant daughter. My
Sorry I meant daughter. My child is a son!
When wedding planning all
When wedding planning all anyone in the family is concern about is "what will ex think??! She's going to go mad!" It really overshadows the whole thing for me
Don't marry this man.
Don't marry this man.
I do get a bit jealous
I do get a bit jealous sometimes about the time they have to spend together on the one weekend a month - trips out, shopping together as a 3 etc. But he doesn't seem to understand the secrecy fuels the jealousy. I am in no way allowed to ring and speak to him on those weekends, only text
This is 100% not ok. It's
This is 100% not ok. It's very strange. Honestly, the amount of gaslighting he must have inflicted on you that you are questioning if you have the right to not like this is astounding.
Are you familiar with the term gaslighting? If not, please do look it up.
I've had a quick look into it
I've had a quick look into it and it's an eye opener. But what I can't get my head round is what if you are the things they say you are? What if I am as unreasonable as he says? How do you work out what's right and what's not? Wow my head is swirling. He said earlier I'm causing him so much stress he feels like he's going to have a heart attack and pass out. But all I did was try to have a conversation about easing up all the secrecy and he erupted. I don't think it was an outrageous request!
Seriously, don't marry this
Seriously, don't marry this man.
That is the most ridiculous
That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You are "not allowed" to call him?!?!?! WTF. Yes, he is only saying you can text so he can HIDE you.
No I've not heard of
No I've not heard of gaslighting. I've been made to feel like I cause him difficulties having a relationship with his daughter. I've put up with monthly visits with him staying in her home for 4 years and me being a complete secret for most of them. It's taken it's toll and it's as if I've woken up to it today - my child may accidentally reveal himself to them and he will be hurt to realise he's a secret. But that's fine if it means his daughters feelings are spared. I just don't think that's right. But he calls me unreasonable, says I've got anxiety (which I do but about other things) and says I need professional help to deal with it
Next time he goes for
Next time he goes for visitation , bring your child along too. ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY
This is screwed up on just
This is screwed up on just about every level. Your DH is playing happy family with his X once a month and is hiding you and your child.
This is not a marriage.
Don't be his safe harbor while he his doing who and who knows what when visiting his failed prior family.
Take care of you.
So you're OK with being his
So you're OK with being his dirty little secret? I suppose you've never met any of his friends or family either. Doesn't it bother you that he spends a weekend a month screwing hid "ex"? Because if he's playing happy families for his child on that end, he's going to be in mommy's bed too. Sorry, but if he was honest, he'd have consulted a lawyer and gotten a custody order drawn up - he wouldn't be behaving like a sleazebag.
I'd dump this filthy liar like a hot brick and get myself tested for a full range of STDs. Where is your self-esteem? Where is your self-respect? Why are you letting him treat you like some cheap bit on the side?
I am 100% he's not with her
I am 100% he's not with her as she has treated him terribly - he's completely screwed up over her taking his daughter away. He can't stand her but has to play by her rules for accommodation and translation. I'm very close to his family - they all think he's handled the situation terribly to be honest
He probably talks trash about
He probably talks trash about her to make you feel like she is not a threat. He probably is saying these things to hide his true feeling about her from you. What kind of person is so toxic and you can't stand, but will go live with them 3 days out of the month WILLINGLY? A kind of person you are still hooking up with.
He goes willingly to see his
He goes willingly to see his child though, he couldn't afford flights PLUS accommodation each month so that's why he stays there. His mum can vouch that absolutely nothing is going on and on that I'm completely sure
So he is moving heaven and
So he is moving heaven and earth to physically see his child, but "doesn't have the headspace" to learn the child's language? Excuses.
Yes - I'd never seen it as an
Yes - I'd never seen it as an excuse before. I just assumed he worked hard all day and who could take that on. But I guess plenty of people do and if you're that desperate you would do it
Does his mother chaperone him
Does his mother chaperone him on every trip? If not then how can she know? Also, it isn't because she was awful to him that he isn't sleeping with her. Please read this post:
https://www.steptalk.org/forum/legal-or-court-system/stepparent-rights/j...
She was violent, stole from him, has threatened his new family and he STILL hops into bed with her any time she gets him alone...
No she doesn't, just 1-2 per
No she doesn't, just 1-2 per year. Thank you I'll give it a read
^^^ agree here. There is no
^^^ agree here. There is no way they are not hooking up. Overnight weekend visits? Family outings? And you REALLY think "hard working daddy" is going to sleep on the couch when he is pretending to be a big happy family?
Open your eyes. You are being lied to. He is an angry person because he can tell you are catching on to his bullsh!t. This is absolutely gas lighting by him turning the tables on you.
****Plan an exit strategy. Save up money. Start making arrangements. Next time he goes on a "weekend visit" execute your plan. If it's your place, pack up his stuff, and change the locks. If it's his place, Pack up your stuff and get your own apartment. Just leave. There is no communication with men like this. Every conversation will be an argument 100% and he will make YOU feel like the crazy one so he can continue to have control. Don't fall for it!!
I wouldn't marry him. Whether
I wouldn't marry him. Whether he's still sleeping with the ex or not, he's playing family with her, lying to his child and disrespecting you by trying to keep you and your son a secret. That is not the bedrock for a healthy relationship, let alone a marriage.
If he's so worried about seeing his child, he needs to get a court order and he needs to learn her language. If he wants to learn it bad enough, he'll figure it out. The other excuses for why he can't learn it are just that - excuses.
You need to have some self respect and either insist on significant changes or walk away.
Let's just all assume he's
Let's just all assume he's definitely not hooking up with her - honestly his mum rings me every single day to talk about how horrible and toxic she is. And this is because of the things she has seen and what she's done to him. Yes the daily phone calls to discuss the latest drama do drive me up the absolute wall because I don't want to be reminded of her all the time but his mum means well
Just tell her that you don't
Just tell her that you don't want to hear about his ex. There is no reason for her to call you about this unless ... she's trying to lake the situation believable as in "methinks the lady doth protest too much"...
This man is an idiot if he
This man is an idiot if he thinks this stupidity will work indefinately.
If you really want to try to make this relationship work I would take some time to set out some critera that need to be met before you are willing to marry this fool. My suggestions would be things along the lines of:
1. You and your son need to meet his daughter with no one hiding what type of relationship is going on. This should not be just a one off meeting but you need time to establish a relationship between you all to see if you can all cope as a family or if there are incombatibilities that cannot be overcome. Step families do need to consider all the personalities, not just those of the adults.
2. Your husband must consult with a lawyer and get a visitation order in place that allows him to take visitiation outside of his ex's home. Him staying over night with his ex regulary in some fake family setting must stop and is unacceptable if you two are to be married.
3. He needs to stop making excuses and actually learn his daughter's native toungue and make efforts to teach her himself or get her lessons in his own language. A lawyer may be able to make this part of a custody agreement.
4. You two need to be completely open about your financial set up and have frank discussions about how you plan to pay for your respective kids and your responsibilites towards each as well as your lives together in the future. He must be spending a lot of money each month to visit his child and probably gives her mother money on top of this too. Making sure that you both understand your obligations and aims will help avoid future surprises and arguments.
5. You need to have access to and be able to read all legal documents relating to his divorce, and custody agreements. You will be consulted on all aspects of the custody agreement that could affect you.
Delay your marriage until he shows some real sustained commitment to you and your future. Right now he is more dedicated to preserving an image of a perfect "first" family than he is dedicated to doing the right thing for you and building a future with you. You and your son deserve way better.
This is great, thank you very
This is great, thank you very much
I think I've blown it now
I think I've blown it now anyway. He was absolutely furious with me last night and I haven't seen or heard from him since this morning when he asked to give him space and time to think. I was causing so much stress he was going to have a heart attack apparently. It's hardly been stress free for me! Father's Day he was in a foul mood and upset because he didn't receive a card. He did not ask me once whether I was ok, having lost my own dad a few years ago.
You didn't blow anything. He
You didn't blow anything. He has been digging a pit for your relationship to fall into since the start. Only he can fix it. If he would rather stew and throw blame at you than sort out the crazyness of his deceptions then that is his choice and he can live with the consequences.
I'm sorry he isn't supporting you with your grief. He seems to be a very self-centered individual. You deserve better.
He is very self centred - it
He is very self centred - it's always about his stressful life, his stressful job etc etc. I do so much for him as well
He is putting me down more
He is putting me down more and more these days as well, jokes at my expense and even in front of friends and family to get a laugh. If I complain then I'm "too sensitive" as he's only joking. I know I'm sensitive but it's bloody draining!
You are not sensitive. You
You are not sensitive. You are normal. Real partners do not put each other down. Real partners definately do not put each other down in front of others. Real partners do not make jokes that they know will hurt each other.
You are drained because he is wearing you down to try to get you to accept this dire relationship he has constructed. You do not have to accept it. You deserve better.
My siblings told me I was
My siblings told me I was "too sensitive" when I'd get upset that they bullied me. Now I know that they were bullies and I was reacting like a bullied person. I am "sensitive", in that I'm anxious, but they were nasty to me and I was supposed to have no reaction.
Honestly, the more you say about this guy, the more emotionally abusive he sounds. Please, at least, get yourself a therapist to help sort out your own thoughts and feelings.
I'm sorry you had to deal
I'm sorry you had to deal with this, I really feel for you xx
I don’t mean to be the bearer of bad news but...
I was in a relationship with a guy who hid me from his XW. I was around his family and we were openly a couple when XW wasn't around. His excuse was that she would make it difficult to see his kid if she knew about me. Well after a while of things not adding up and me asking to see proof of their divorce (because he didn't know what his visitation rights were) I caught on.
He wasn't actually divorced and had been lying to his "wife" and me the whole time. He was telling her he wanted to be with her (they were separated) but telling me they were divorced already.
I come out if the relationship looking like an adulterous slut and he ends up back home and praised for "making the marriage work".
His family knew he wasn't divorced yet no one said a word to me about it.
My point is to use your head and not your heart. He is gas lighting you to keep you in line and he is having his cake and eating it too.
Stop selling yourself short and find a man who is proud to show you off as his.
Bingo! “He wasn't actually
Bingo! “He wasn't actually divorced and had been lying to his ‘wife’ and me the whole time. He was telling her he wanted to be with her (they were separated) but telling me they were divorced already. I come out if the relationship looking like an adulterous slut and he ends up back home and praised for ‘making the marriage work.’ His family knew he wasn't divorced yet no one said a word to me about it.”
OP, I think you are being played like a fine violin. There are many, far too many, separated parents out there who think nothing of playing to the field to see if they can find anything better. They rarely tell any of their new “temporary” partners the truth. They tell them instead they are in some kind of “process” of getting a divorce or just out-and-out lie, and yes, their relatives can be in on it too.
If the separated parent in this game gets tired of the game or can’t find what they see as "better," then they simply get back together with their spouse. Meanwhile, the women or men they used, cooked and cleaned and financially supported them, etc. and are left with nada and heavily worse for wear. There is that old saying: Someone can only take advantage of you with your permission. You’ve given this man and his your permission, and he's running with it.
I am so sorry that you
I am so sorry that you experienced that nightmare.
Thank you for sharing and I'm
Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm so naive, can men really be this deceptive!
Plenty of men we read about on steptalk have hcgubm
batshit crazy and the list goes on.... but they aren’t hiding kids or their partner or current wife. So ex doesn’t like it?? Well, tough shit!!
an ex should not be dictating your sexual and intimate life!!
Thank you so much to everyone
Thank you so much to everyone who's replied and helped me see I'm not just being a silly, jealous girlfriend who isn't tolerant enough
I even suggested counselling
I even suggested counselling so we can have an outsider suggest what suitable and reasonble boundaries we could have in place to make it worse. He ranted that he hasn't got money for counselling. He isn't hard up, he has money. It's just obviously not important enough to him.
Yes! You are catching on! He
Yes! You are catching on! He has the money and the capabilities, he is simply choosing to NOT make it a priority. You will meet someone who WILL make you and your child a priority.
Thank you. Although I don't
Thank you. Although I don't think I can go through this again. I think I'm better of alone and just concentrate on my child!
He doesn't want to go because
He doesn't want to go because he knows that he will be called out by the therapist and his deceptions will be laid bare.
Make it better not worse!
Make it better not worse!
I call bullshit on the
I call bullshit on the language excuse. I’m fluent in two languages and DD2 is learning another language that’s not from the two that I speak. I can understand everything she says in the third language. Just absorbed it as she did. But more to the point, why wasn’t his daughter taught both languages especially if the mother is bilingual?! It’s the best time to teach them when they’re young. There’s other games at play here....
He's being paying extra money
He's being paying extra money every month for the child to have English lessons, that's been going on for about a year. Strangely the child has yet to pick up more than a few words! I've always suspected the lessons haven't been taking place. SO thinks it's the ex's way of controlling him
Still haven't heard a single
Still haven't heard a single thing, 2 days of silent treatment
This is a classic abuser
This is a classic abuser tactic.
Google cycle of abuse and remember that not all abuse is physical. Right now he is punishing you for your "transgression". This period works by making you anxious and making you think that you did something wrong. When this is complete and you are begging for him to contact you and are asking him what you did wrong and appologizing for anything and everything to make it all right then he will move on to the calm stage. He will "forgive" you or give you another chance. It will feel like things are back to normal or even better than normal if he "love bombs" you and is extra attentive. But this peroid too will only be tempoary before stresses start happening again and a big event kicks everything up in the air again.
Is he on the child's birth
Is he on the child's birth certificate? Where was the child born, by the way. I'm assuming that, as you're in the UK and he can easily travel for a weekend per month, the child is in a EU country. IF so, this might give you a good starting point concerning his rights as a father in that country:
https://europa.eu/youreurope/citizens/family/children/parental-responsib...