Badly treated
Sorry but I really just need to vent!
My husband of almost 2 years has 3 adult children. I also have 3 adult children. None live with us.
DH relationship with his 3 has always been very up and down, especially with his DD, more down than up through no fault of his own. Ex has bad mouthed him to kids, they dislike me, their behaviour and ways are quite disgusting. With Father's day approaching, I feel so bad for DH as I know his 3 will do nothing. Yet these kids expect everything when they click their fingers! I know he will be hurt and just go quiet and say nothing.
My eldest has told me that my 3 are sorting some bits for him which melts me, they have so much respect for us both. It may sound stupid, but I have organised a card and gifts from the dog so he has some kind of recognition, and plan to make him a full breakfast.
I hate that he is treated like this by his kids. They speak to him like dirt if he doesn't do as they ask or if he asks anything of them. His DS called him a c**t just yesterday because his dad asked him to sort something out. He always gets remarks about spending his time with me. There are grandchildren on DH side, who we take out/away when we can but it's never enough in their eyes. His DD has previously asked him who he would choose to save between her and me. It's awful.
There's nothing you can do
There's nothing you can do about these spoiled brats. What you describe is pretty typical, poor widdle CODs who are upset that daddy picked a women from outside of the Holy Family to spend time with and marry.
Your DH is too afraid to demand respect from his kids because he knows they will cut him off for good (although he should not be tolerating being called a c**t by his DS).
It's nice that you are giving him cards and gifts from the dog, and that your children step up as well. All you can do is be there for him and support him. Don't try to solve the problem for him; that never works and his kids will resent you more.
Thank you
Thank you for your reply.
It frustrates the hell out of me that he is seen as such a bad person. More so as it was his ex that left him for someone else, yet he is so apparently bad. Zero respect for him.
The name calling has happened a few time . It's vile. I do not understand why they are so awful to him. He doesn't have a bad bone in his body. It is like they just have tantrums. This SS is 27!! With a family!
I believe that all 3 SK think my 3 get more from him/us but they don't. Mine all work and dont ask for anything. They are just more respectful and therefore get respect back.
Hopefully I can make something of his day.
Why would anyone put up with
Why would anyone put up with that kind of toxic crap? Even from family. Toxic is toxic and the polluted progeny of a prior failed family deserves zero consideration as is the case with anyone who is toxic.
smh
I hope that your DH can gain clarity that his children are a write off and should not have any place in his life or yours.
Disengage
If the skids are being obnoxious and treating you with disrespect it will get worse if you continue to try to have relationships with them. In my opinion, the best thing you can do under these circumstances is to disengage from them.
This means DH deals with the the skids while working around your boundaries. There are various degrees of disengagement. Some people are comfortable with allowing the skids into their homes but not engaging with them, directing questions and concerns back to DH, not being a servant to them, etc. In my case, SD is not allowed to come inside of our home. DH can visit her just about any time he wishes, except for Christmas day, our Anniversary and my Birthday. I don't bring her up in conversation, if he does I change the subject. All money spent on SD comes out of DH's pocket. I do not send cards or presents - that's DH's job.
Another thing - you must stand firm with your boundaries. Many DH's try to sabotage and gaslight to get the skids and SM to communicate. Calmly state your boundaries. If he tries to argue walk away. Some DHs have a problem separating the roles of a wife from their children. He must also place the marriage as first priority, presenting a united image to the skids. He must never allow them to disrespect you in your own home. You may feel sorry for him for the way his kids treat him but it is strictly his job to deal with it - not yours.
Disengagement is sometimes hard at first but it is truly worth it. I've been disengaged for quite some time. It truly gets better as time goes by.
The fact sd asked her dad if he had to choose between her and
You, who would he pick??
It says so much about her insecurities.
Its not healthy and abnormal to be asking those questions of your dad about his wife. No way would she ask the same question but have it be between sd and her bio mum...
thing is you are always seen as the stranger or dirty whore married to their dad, never the wife/lover and partner of their dad. To have a skid try and pit herself level with you is laughable.
i met my husband a year after sd’s ceased contact and disappeared (this was 5.5 yrs post divorce), sd’s after about 5 yrs no contact message their dad repeatedly saying “we know you have a new family and we don’t want to cause issues but we want a relationship with you” and my husband replied that “they are always his daughters and him marrying me didn’t change that!!” Suddenly sd24 with such hostility says “how can we be family when you have done black magic voodoo crap against our mum and tried to hurt us!!” This was crap bio mum had said to them to alienate them from their dad...
another time my ss was 20 and during our 3rd wedding anniversary had the nerve to demand daddy take him for a holiday with his sisters (me and my 2 toddlers with hubby were not to come) and skids hoped for an exclusive expensive trip for a whole week where no doubt they would spew bio mum bs and rant on about her and treating their dad like crap.
my husband was dumb enough to instantly message me from his work telling me to book the airline tickets and accommodation for our 3rd wedding anniversary with skids coming. No effin way!!! That was all that came out of my mouth...
no way would i want skids taggig along for what is meant to be an intimate romantic getaway to celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary where they would make the trip about them and bio mum and stepdad, whilst belittling me, being rude and disrespectful, no way!!
ever since then i have disengaged. Its disgusting them making themselves into miniwives and is such a sick fantasy of theirs.
the guilting sure happens them claiming hubby destroyed their mums life by divorcing her which is why she went psycho crazy. This despite her cheating on hubby with an ex high school sweetheart before they even separated is just laughable.
skids were told by bio mum i was a half naked christian whore... that i was not respectable in any way that she could have her daughters associate with me... hmmm yeah but cheating is totally respectable and lying to your kids and husband about it is totally fine!!
my ss20 last year told his dad he would run away from home because my husband told him to stop shunning us and pretend we don’t exist and to be respectful and polite (aka be a decent human being), guilty daddy syndrome kicked in because 2 sd are pas’d out, fake niceties and hubby can’t bear the thought of ss abandoning him despite none of the kids having a healthy positive relationship with their dad... i told hubby i needed to disengage from this shitstorm and hubby understood.. when my ss threatened to run away, he was giving daddy a choice, its me or your wife and kids with her, (aka me vs them)