Advice to a Friend
So I met up with a very good friend of mine last night. Her step-son (17/18) is moving out at the end off summer to go to college.
She looked at me with guilt all over her face and said, "I can't wait until he moves out."
Me, "Because you'll have your house back?"
Friend, looking at me incredulous, "YES!"
So we talked a little about space and expectations of SMs. When in a group she's very careful to not talk negative about her SS (who is a good kid overall, had some issues but they made it through) or family situation. But she unloaded a little last night...because I have no similar filter with certain people, esp. other step-moms (there's a co-worker who is a SM so her and I can talk for hours if we want to LOL).
She admitted she and her husband only really argued about parenting. SS was there for 100% custody, BM drug addict/mental issues. So she had not much say in anything because "he's just a kid." Drove her nuts. She was worried he wasn't going to move out since the college is local but SS decided he wanted to be close to school and got campus housing for a reasonable price.
She also told me that after his graduation ceremony the took off with BM! Not those who raised him, brought him there, and who had planned a dinner for him. I told her, "BM always wins, even if she's crazy and a problem. Mom always wins. You cannot compete, dad cannot compete."
Friend, "But he's never wanted anything to do with her...etc., etc."
Me, "You cannot rationalize it. Mom is #1. No matter what most times. Which is why I disengaged...as the SM you cannot spend your time being hurt by the lack of cards, recognition, lack of thanks - your DH has failed there for you as well..."
It was a good convo and she's so luck he'll be out!
She has a classic case of step-mother syndrome.
People really don't
People really don't understand what it's like to be a stepmom until they're a stepmom lol I'm younger (in my early 20s) and a lot of my friends were excited when I started getting serious with my boyfriend. They made comments like "oh you get to have a kid without the stretch marks or labour! how fun!" and I just laughed. Even now, years later, after talking to them about the downfalls occasionally, I still get looks of surprise/shock when I tell them to NEVER date someone with kids. They just don't get it.
This is so accurate! Im also
This is so accurate! Im also in my 20's, I do have 2 boys of my own 6 and 4 and have a SD4. All of my friends said ohh woww now you finally get the girl you've always wanted and i even thought yaaa! they are so right.
Boy was i wrong... being a stepmom is by far the most difficult thing i've had to navigate and i have to be very careful who i "vent" to. I have a couple gf's who although they cant relate, they let me unleash because i have nobody else to express to and i certainly cant let DH know how bad i struggle. Mostly due to the crazy BM who wreaks havoc.
I agree, although I think you
I agree, although I think you could extend that concept to parenting in general. No one understands how hard it is until they experience it. The difference is step-parenting is MUCH harder than parenting your biological kids and that's something only someone who has experienced it can truly understand.
My DH for the most part is great and very understanding, however even he sometimes still tries to relate the struggles of parenting with step-parenting and I have to pull him up and explain that they are very different.
That is 100% true unless you
That is 100% true unless you are or have been a step parent there is no way to feel or understand what we go through. I wish I had researched this life style before I got involved. I would have ran very fast the other way!!!
OMG! There really is such a
OMG! There really is such a thing, or at least it is listed on a couple of websites that look like they were put together over 10 years ago. Here it is, Cinderella's Stepmother Syndrome: "Preoccupation with position in the family, Anxiety, Feeling of rejection, feeling of ineffectiveness, Feeling of guilt, Feeling of hostility, Exhaustion, Loss of self-esteem."
Here's more. . . Causes of CSS: "Disempowering double standards; Stepchildren are allowed and supported to dislike and resent their stepmothers, while a stepmother must always show unconditional love for her stepchildren; Punching bag syndrome; Often, stepmothers get blamed for things they are not responsible for; Unsupportive husbands; Remarried men with children may expect their wives to be more maternal than they were with their children. Such expectations can crash with women’s schedules and desires; Professional preference and bad advice; Stepmothers often face a lot of bad advices and forced acts which they never expect."
Well, I'll be! No treatment or cure is really listed, other than the usual ones for anxiety, etc., but I bet we can come up with some good ones ourselves. I'll chime in with: Have a Coming to Jesus discussion with "Unsupportive" husband.
ha! Too good. And true.
ha! Too good. And true.
Looking into syndromes for
Looking into syndromes for SMs, got me wondering about other syndromes mentioned here. Found an interesting one regarding golden uterus (GU) and golden uterus complex (GUC).
Here are some characteristics of the golden uterus mom:
1. GU and child are one and the same
2. GU and child are a two-fer.
3. Disobedience is abuse to the golden uterus.
4. GU exceptionalism. Even though humans have been procreating since human history began, the GU believes her pregnancy and childbirth are the most special pregnancy and childbirth ever.
5. Boundaries are for everyone else; boundaries don’t apply to the GU.
6. All other child caregivers are irrelevant. Fathers are walking ATMs. A father’s role is to financially and emotionally support the mother (i.e., be her emotional punching bag/doormat and listen to her complain about how hard it is to be a mother). That’s it. Fathers get no real input into how the children are raised. Step-mothers are less than non-entities. They are to act as servants to the children during visitation and are less than handmaidens to the golden uterus.
7. Once you have sex with a GU, she owns you for life.
8. GUs like to take kissy duck face make-out photos with their children.
9. Golden uterus mothers are feeeeeeelers.
10. Once the GU gives birth, her “job” is done. “
11. Children are possessions; not their own persons.
12. The GU uses motherhood as an excuse. “Becoming a ‘mother’ is the GU’s excuse for EVERYTHING. "How dare you disrespect me! I'm the mother of your children!".
13. GUs are self-appointed parenting experts.
14. Motherhood is a title and a power trip.
15. The GU is never wrong. “
What can you do if the mother of your children has a golden uterus complex?
There’s nothing you can do to change her. Nothing. She’s highly unlikely to see the light and morph into a reasonable human being and good mother. Your goal, as with all high-conflict abusive types, should be containment.
This is pretty detailed!