The site of her/sound of her name makes me sick!
I am a nurse and feel horrible about the way I feel! Shouldn't I have more compassion for people in general? I have only been married for 4 months and am contemplating divorce bc of my sd10. At first things were great and I was excited to be a stepmother. I don't have children of my own and am 38. However, her birthday was in December and I went all out. Same goes for christmas. SD10 went to her moms for 2 weeks and when she came back things were different. I don't know what the bitch told her but it was different. She also wrote a letter for school about her vacation and on christmas day she wrote all about waking up here with her Dad and then going to her mom's but I was no where in it! I was really hurt! Especially since I paid for every penny of it! Since that day I have been building up so much resentment towards her and my husband! I can't stand to look at her or talk to her! She really is a sweet kid but makes me sick!! I work nights and just woke up about 2 hours ago. I text my husband and asked what they were doing (I wasn't in the mood to tt her) and he said watching a movie. Well you would think that he would have come in here. But NOOOOOOO he stayed in there with the brat!! I let him know I was annoyed by this and finally after almost 20 mins he did come in. He told me that I didn't have to act this way and that why didn't I come in there! Well, hmmmmm lets see,,,,,probably bc the little brat was laid all over you like your girlfriend! It just makes me sick!!! I do realize that she is his child but just want to vomit when I see this! She is an only child and gets treated like an adult. I also have resentment over the fact that I have to watch the brat while my husband is at work. BM is a recovering (so she says) drug addict/mental pt so my husband has full custody. Since I came into the picture however, she has been going to her mom's at least half of the time. I understand that I married him knowing he has a child but never expected to feel this way! I truly want to have a good relationship with her but for the past 3 months have been struggling!!! I just don't know what to do!
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First thing you do, IF you
First thing you do, IF you decide to stay is "NOT YOUR KID, DON"T WASTE YOUR MONEY!" I did that too. Huge regrets. If you want to get her a birthday gift, get her a gift like you would for any of your girlfriend's kids or something...not an iPOD...and not spend all your money on her birthday...that's her mom and dad's problem. This will greatly help in letting go of some of the resentment. What happens is we give, they take, we give, they take...eventually, not only do they treat us bad and not acknowledge us, but we feel resentful not just for the indifference, but for the being taken advantage of...and so, it grows and grows...so put a stop to that as soon as you can, if you decide to stay.
PS - I'm 42. Been with idiot for 12yrs. It has NOT gotten much better. Somedays better, somedays worse. But the impact to our home is no longer "witch wasn't at home when I went to pick up SD, therefore, I had to wait an hour", no...now as they get older it's "give me, give me, give me...and if you don't...you are an ahole, and a loser, and love your new wife more than me...blah, blah, blah"...and then, it really affects you not only emotionally but financially.
Good luck. I'm sorry.
Thanks for the advice!!!
Thanks for the advice!!! Shortly after Christmas I did exactly what you said and I stopped buying her things. Before then I was out on most of my days off looking for stuff for her. I was sooooooo excited to have her that I couldn't contain myself. Now, not so much! I am really hoping to get over it and maybe with advice from you and others I can,,,,maybe not! I bought her an iphone 3gs for her birthday in December,,,,,well she doesn't have it any longer. When she goes to her mom's she rarely if ever calls her Dad. The way I see it is I am not paying that much money monthly for her to tt her mom...Hell no!! He had asked her several times to call and check in,,,,,she says she was afraid of what her mom would say! Uh huh yeah right! Well, she won't be getting a phone again anytime soon. I think her crack head mother should buy her one if she wants to talk to her that much! Oh wait, she's a respiratory therapist with no job, extensive criminal history, extensive psych history, and did I mention extensive drug history! BUT SHE is the mother and can do no wrong in the childs eyes. Even though the child knows a lot of her history! (Not from me, I have never spoken ill about her mom to her and hope I never will even though the Bi&%# talks about me and my husband). Oh well, life goes on! I am going to schedule a meeting for my husband and I to see a counselor and maybe she will be able to help!!
Ok, I'm gonna get off my soap box now!! It's just been a long time coming for me to have people to talk to in a similar situation!
Thanks for your comment/advice!!
Unfortunately, their bio-moms
Unfortunately, their bio-moms can set them on fire and they'd still be loyal to them. It's just a nature thing.
I understand how you feel about buying gifts. I did that, too, when we first started this mess. I even pitched in with some sweat equity and helped do some remodeling at the house DH owns that SS26 is rentinng-to-own from him. I also bought some major items for that house. Christmas and Birthdays were always awesome. Even though I completely disagree with SD24's lifestyle, I sucked it up and bought lots of outfits for her kids (up until the last one!) when they were little. Always sent goodie boxes to them through the mail, and little cards with stickers or whatever just so they'd get something from the mailman every once in awhile. Looking back, they EXPECTED it far more than they appreciated it. And yes, after awhile, I started to resent his adult children. It hasn't gotten any better. I finally just disengaged. They are HIS mess, not mine. My child has her act together and isn't needy.
Unfortunately, your SD is still young, so there are a few years of actual "dependency" left. You are not in a good situation. DH needs to see where you are coming from and he needs to prioritize YOUR relationship over his an SD's relationship. Keep us posted as to how your counseling turns out!
Thanks a million! I agree
Thanks a million! I agree that our relationship should be number 1!! I feel badly about wanting to disengage with her but if my husband can't get on board with me in the discipline department then I am. And he can worry about who is going to keep her while he is at work too! I don't wanna do it!! I also don't want her to go live with her mom full time b/c I don't want to pay the lazy bi%^& child support!! She hasn't paid him a dime. He hasn't been very concerned about it bc he can take care of her without it! He clearly was not thinking straight! The money she is supposed to pay could go into a college fund!! Soooo he finally took her back to court in November. Judge gave her 6 months to get a job and start paying it back. Not a dime so far!! I highly doubt they will do anything to her! I would love to see her rot in jail!! I expect him/us to do the basics, clothes and school supplies. But BM has a long history of drug abuse/mental issues/getting arrested. You can't give a crack whore a lump sum of money! The child would get none of it!!
Anywhoo, thanks for listening!!! This site has been great!!!