Boundaries with pregnant BM
Hey!
I’m new here and also new to being a "stepmom," but I have been browsing a bit this morning and am loving the support everyone gives each other.
I’m really excited about this community 
So, I’m wondering if anyone has a similar situation as me and maybe we can talk about boundaries?
My situation:
My BF and I (best friends for years) started dating right after he was in a week long “relationship” with his BM. So he doesn’t really know her and she doesn’t really know us. But when we found out about Baby G, I was immediately fully on board with supporting him. I’ve always loved kids and want my own soon, and I’m absolutely in love with my BF.
So here we are navigating the future.
Right now, I’m mostly worried about BM: Specifically her boundaries and expectations and how they don’t align with the ones BF and I have.
My current specific issue:
The other day, BM initiated a convo with my BF and I about flexibility with their custody plan. I let BF do the talking, but when he mentioned that he and I were going out of town during one of the times we’d have Baby G, I did mention that we could always take Baby G with us.
Later, she told my BF that when I said that, it upset her because I was trying to tell her what to do with her child.
?
I’m so confused. And new at all this. And desperately in need of insight!
Is BM still pregnant with his
Is BM still pregnant with his child? How long have you guys been together?
Is he sure that he is the father? Is he going to do a paternity test? What has she agreed to about custody and visitation so far? Do you have a lawyer working with this situation?
She may be pretty OK right now but once those post baby hormones hit, don't be surprised if EVERYTHING changes and what she agreed to is completely off the table.
BM is due in June. So yeah...
BM is due in June. So yeah... still pregnant.
We've been together for 5 months, known each other for 5years, best friends for a year. He ended things with her to pursue me, so there may be resentment there as well as she may not understand how serious he and I are bc we've been together for only 5 month. And she might perceived that as naive.
They did a paternity test and he is the father.
They decided that while Baby G isn't in school they would split the week, Sunday-weds and Thurs-Sat respectfully.
He talked to a lawyer and was advised that they don't need one if they are co-parenting. But I've been doing some research (key word some so I'm still not 100% sure what to do) and I think I might talk with him about a parental agreement.
I might make another post about that! Thanks for saying something.
Oh, trust us, he needs to get
Oh, trust us, he needs to get an official custody order. Especially, since he barely knows her.
That lawyer is an idiot. You
That lawyer is an idiot. You 100% need an order. Without it, she can withhold the baby as much as she wants and he will be on the hook for CS. It takes MONTHS to resolve anything in court.
Considering the schedule that she is offering, you need her to sign it now, that is crazy for a new mom to be willing to give almost a 50/50 schedule.
If he was only
If he was only with her for a week, I hope that he is planning on getting a paternity test before signing anything! - EDIT - nevermind - I guess it must have been done in utero. At least you have your answer!
Please read on these blogs. They will explain to you all the crazy that can and does happen. A custody order and support agreement is an absolute must unless you want to spend the rest of your life arguing. Get them and stick to them. That way everyone knows what to expect from the beginning and there are no surprises. You have the advantage of being able to design the plan from the beginning rather than having someone's entire life imposed on you. Don't blow that.
He did.
He did.
-edit to your edit
you guys are literally saving our life with this advice!
thank you sooo much! And I'm definitely going to keep reading these forums.
What co-parenting are they
What co-parenting are they doing? The kid has not even been born yet.
What kind of loony lawyer did he talk to? BM's? Because I can't imagine a lawyer recommending against getting a CO.
They were not married, without a custody order, he technically has no rights to this child.
He should not plan on BM playing nice, it won't be pretty.
I'm so glad that you guys are
I'm so glad that you guys are here! His lawyer literally said he didn't need one. That's super frustrating. I'll definitely discuss this with him when he gets home from work.
thank you thank you!
Does his lawyer hate him?
Does his lawyer hate him?
Haha. I don't know what
Haha. I don't know what happened with that, but we're definitely NOT using him in the future.
Don't want to make
Don't want to make too many assumptions but it is VERY strange that an atty would say that there is no need for a custody order and support agreement so you do not need to hire me. That is literally what they do for a living and every family law atty knows that without legally binding agreements life is nothing but chaos. It is bad enough with them! Is it possible that your boyfriend led with "I really don't have any money and can't afford to hire you but I want to ask you some questions" and the atty just wanted to get him off the phone? A private atty is not going to spend any time with someone that they know up front is not going to hire them.
I'm not sure. It might be a
I'm not sure. It might be a misunderstanding bc I wasn't involved there.
So maybe I misunderstood my BF or he misunderstood the lawyer, or the lawyer misunderstood him.
But this is what I remember. It was early on when he talked with one. So maybe I remember wrong.
But he haven't been talking about legally binding the co-parent agreement and now I am gonna push it.
Just spend some time reading the blogs
Here on these boards . You will see what you are in for, everything is Rosie in the beginning what turns into a sh*t show. If DH wants to take care of his child. He is the one who ford the majority of the work . He will not dump the kid on you and goes out to work, or play
Another thing to get used to
Another thing to get used to before this baby is even born is understanding you are not the parent. I doesn't matter if you were there since he was born. That you are the stepmom. That you and your SO get married. That you do all the shopping and cooking and changing diapers.
It will be thrown in your face that you are not the mother. You have no rights. You have no say beyond what your SO allows while you are in your home.
For some reason my phone isn
For some reason my phone isn't letting me respond to your comment @Patronella in regards to getting tested. So I'm gonna try like this and see if it works
most importantly - he really is amazing. :)
We both were tested and were good. And... I do! I know all about his past. Lol. We've been best friends for years. It's a non-issue. But thank you for your advice
Clarity on the lawyer thing:
Clarity on the lawyer thing:
"The lawyer I talked to said for us to come to those agreements on our own terms and to keep track of if she starts to go against that and to try to keep most interactions between us in text if possible to use it as proof. But basically he was just saying that we don't HAVE to go through the court system unless things start to get unreasonable."
That is not really a good
That is not really a good plan, especially since he barely knows this woman (like I said before).
The two of them can come up with their own agreement, as opposed to each hiring lawyers, but I highly advise to have any agreement officially filed with the courts.
He really doesn't want to wait until things get "unreasonable". That is just naive and irresponsible.
When money and kids are involved, it doesn't take long for things to get unreasonable. If she decides to be high conflict, gets jealous, etc., things can get nasty very fast.
Agreed! So glad I found these
Agreed! So glad I found these forums
There should still be an
There should still be an agreement filed through courts. I wouldn't delay doing that. Custody cases can drag out for a very long time. My husbands did for over a year.
What am I on now? 5 years on
What am I on now? 5 years on continuations? I have lost track...
Go see another lawyer. No
Go see another lawyer. No lawyer in their right mind would ever say you don't need a custody order. It is literally their job to draw up custody orders and send them to judges to get signed. The first lawyer we saw told DH that he would automatically get "the standard" (every other weekend, rotating holidays and pay child support). I told DH that we needed another consultation. They were doing 50:50 which is what he wanted in a court order so that was enforceable and she couldn't blackmail us with visits to get her way anymore (laughable because once you have one you realize they are actually pretty useless if you don't have the money to pursue court every single time a BM just decides to do what she wants anyway but I digress) The next lawyer we saw won DH primary custody.
You don't even have to go to court, you can just pay a lawyer to sit with both of you, called mediation, and then have a judge sign off on everything. If she is agreeable and not planning on controlling things then she will be okay with getting everything in writing and signed off on. A custody order is just a general guideline for parents. If yall get something put in there that doesn't work for either household and you can both agree on something more feasible then you can just do it that way instead. The custody agreement is what you fall back on when parent's cant agree on anything.
If your BF doesn't have a
If your BF doesn't have a visitation CO he needs to get one ASAP and smack BM about the head and shoulders with it whenever necessary (figureatively of course). Who cares if BM is pregnant or not? Her breeding status is irrelevant.