Disengaging and it feels so good
After my last post I received a lot of helpful insight as to the unhealthy level of interaction I was having with BM. It was wreaking havoc on my brain, my self-esteem, and I was caught up in believing the problem was me. Turns out it wasn't me at all. I needed boundaries and I needed to step out of the role of playing 'second-mom' all of the time. No wonder I was so insecure, even I was putting myself second to her.
Today is parent teacher conferences and I told my DH that I will not be going. So far, no push back. (Although, I'm sure that may change down the road). He responded by saying he would like me to be there, but he'll support me either way. He said he understands that it messes with me and he just wants what's best.
I wanted to take a moment and thank everyone who's encouraged me to do this. I've found there's a new level of freedom that comes with disengaging and not caring what anyone thinks about it. I feel liberated and I feel like I have finally regained some control of my life. All I needed was a new perspective.
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Comments
Bravo!
Bravo!
Keep it up and just remember, everybody's level of disengagement can be, and is, different.
You can still be a great step mother to your step kids without being involved in all of the actual parent stuff and responsibilities. You can still be a great wife, without taking on a parental role to your husband's kids. Don't let anybody tell you any different or try to guilt you into doing things that you don't want to do.
Your husband was okay with it this time but you are right, he will not always be okay with it.
Thank you! I know you're
Thank you! I know you're right. Taking control of how much involvement I want to have is already taking so much weight off my shoulders, which is only freeing me up to be a better wife and stepmom.
Yep. I never did any
Yep. I never did any parenting whatsoever, DH handled it all. But I used to play games with SS, throw the ball with him, watch movies with him, etc. I got to be the fun stepmom and I absolutely NEVER dealt with BM. I didn't knock her up, she's not my problem.
I'm excited to have that same
I'm excited to have that same sort of freedom with SS. Be the stepmom to him that I want to be. With all this co-parenting nonsense and DH so badly wanting us to be close, it's a lot of pressure on both of us. I've always had this feeling that SS puts on an act that he "loves me" only to appease DH. I'm hoping that by making these necessary changes and setting these boundaries it will also take the pressure off of SS and we can both build a relationship naturally.
Disengage will give you so
Disengagement will give you so much peace of mind and your health will thank you for it. Just a reminder that at the end of the day you only do what YOU feel comfortable with. You are not his kids parent/mother and nor are you obligated to do anything for them but be cordial and respectful and that's only if they do so in return. Your H needs to understand that after all you have been through you are doing this for own mental well being which should ALWAYS be a priority.
There may be other situations that come up where he may want you to do or be a part of something for his kids that you don't care to do and he may get upset however, his feelings are not your responsibility or for you to carry. He's going to have to learn to deal and process those emotions because they are not your burden.
Take care of you! If you don't, best believe no one else will.
If you think disengagement is great...
If you think disengagement is great, try divorce! No more polishing the turd.
When DH and BF decided to have a child
You were not asked if they should. They did that on the own. So not they can parent that child on there own. You don't have to go to P&T conferences, playing happy family .
Thank you. Stupid me for
Thank you. Stupid me for believing I somehow shared a responsibility in this. Putting all of this pressure on myself, and for what? All it's done is create resentment inside of me and make me dread even being around my SS. I'm am not his mother and I did not create him, so why was all this expected of me?
Playing happy family is right. BM works for CPS and so of course she wants to paint an image that she successfully co-parents in front of the school, etc. It's all for show and I'm done being a pawn in her little act.
Co-parenting is something
Co-parenting is something that the parents do - you aren't a parent. You have no responsibility to be part of that. I don't think you were stupid, you were trying to meet DH's expectations. I'm glad he is not fighting you on it and wants what's best for you. That's a very good sign that he's a caring partner.