SS11 tells me it's not my house when DH isn't in earshot.
This started when he was 7. We were newly married and I had just moved in. I was in the kitchen washing dishes and he was playing around like a monkey, jumping on counters and hanging on cabinets. Like the women in my life told me as I was growing up, I said "get out of my kitchen". He whipped around and told me "This is NOT your house, mshilton! This is my house. I've lived here since I was born, I was here before you and I will make you go away." I was shocked!! I was so thrown off by it I didn't even know how to react. DH corrected him later and he was made to apologize, but on several occasions it continued. I hoped and assumed all of that would finally come to an end once the house sold. I thought maybe the reason he felt so strongly about it not being my house came from the fact that he had lived there his whole life and at one time so did his mother. Maybe he was bitter that she was forced to leave (for her adultery). After all, technically it was DH's house...
A year later we finally sold the house and began building our dream home. This is a house that DH and I drew up and planned together. We've picked out paints, tile, etc all in a joint effort. DH hasn't made one decision on this home without consulting me first. It's been a long rough road getting here, but DH has been the best. He owns a construction company so he has built this house mainly by himself. He has even gone out of his way to always tell SS over and over that this is our home. It's in my name, even...
With all of that, nothing has changed. SS continues to correct me anytime I refer to our home as mine. About 3 months ago while the house was still a construction site, there was a time he said he didn't want to go to the "stupid house". When I told him to quit having an attitude and followed it up with don't call my house stupid, he said, "It's not your house, it's my dads house."
I went off on him and made it very clear to him it is my house just as much as it is his dads.
Un-phased by me, he snakily said: "Nope. It's my dad's house. He built it and when you get a divorce, you'll have to move out!!"
I've started to gain some major resentment towards SS throughout all of this bs. I hate to be around him at all anymore. However, last night we were sitting on the floor, going through boxes, laughing and having fun. It was all good until he asked how long it will take to have the house exactly where we want it. I told him it would take maybe a year before it was "exactly" how we want it, we still need all of our furniture, decor, and I'm not done getting everything (meaning cabinets and drawers) organized the way I want them. He flipped out: "The way you want them?!" he repeated himself like he was soooo offended: "The way YOU want them??!! Don't you mean the way my dad wants them, since it's his stuff?!"
I'm so f'ing repulsed and honestly, quite confused by this. Why is he so set on basically trying to put me in my place ? When I tell DH that he's saying these things to me, SS down plays it like it never happened or "dad, all I said to her was why can't my dad help organize cabinets with you?" He plays the victim and then beyond that acts hurt when I want nothing to do with him. DH believes me, but then again, there's no repercussions and it continues to happen whenever DH is not around.
Any help or advice?
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Comments
OMG, my DH would have knocked
OMG, my DH would have knocked SS into next month if he ever said anything like that to me.
I badly wish my DH would
I badly wish my DH would knock him into next month over it. For one, I would love to see it happen and for two, I know that would put a stop to it. But he won't and so here we are...
I don't think I would have
I don't think I would have stuck around if DH had let SS be disrespectful to me with no consequences.
Sadly, I'm starting to
Sadly, I'm starting to question some life decisions that got me here based on what I've allowed.
Not my home? Fine. Lets sell it. I'll go buy myself a home where no one can tell me it's not mine.
That's pretty much where I'm at now.
Yes, tell DH that. It's time
Yes, tell DH that. It's time for him to stop trying to take both sides. He's either going to parent his child or he's going to lose his wife. In the meanwhile, tell SS yourself to stop being rude and don't ever say that again. Raise your voice if you have to.
I can only remember one time that SS was disrespectful to me and DH told him to "knock it off" before I even realized he was doing anything.
nanny cams
Record the remorseless bratola, then get out the popcorn as you all watch the recordings together.
Hes sneaky enough to hide it until you two are alone together, and then backpedal when called out. He is fairl predictable by now, you know his triggers (anything that you want to do to YOUR house...)
If there is shared custody, the BM might be encouraging this behavior. Parental and Step parental alienation is a thing, but largely unrecognized.
It really is on your DH to get his little monster some punishments, although it sounds deeply rooted. And hes pretty young.
You could also try being more inlcusive, and have SS involved in discussions.
Dh and I bought the house that he had been renting for over 13 years. He couldnt buy it with Toxic Troll BM because #1. She had bad credit, and #2. is very destructive. When I moved in I was carefull not to move things, get rid of things, I did it slowly, however there was still some blowback from the elder SDnow21.
Munchkin SD14, I choose things like paint colors and give her the opportunity to give her opinion. Shes a great kid, and enjoys being included, and we generally like the same things, so that totally helps. So - one thing you could try is to include SS in some decisions.
He needs consequences. Send
He needs consequences. Send the little sh!t to his room for the rest of the day. Show him who is boss.
Wow.
Wow. My SS once said something along those lines to DH (but not nearly so insolent) while we were dating, before he'd even met me -- when he was much younger and more under BM's influence.
SS was a shaking, weeping mess once DH was through with them. And DH made it quite clear that if he brought that poison to his house, he would be living only with his mom until his attitude changed.
Is your DH giving your SS more of a weak "I'm so sorry you feel that way, but it's not nice to say that to your SM" correction? If so, he's getting your DH's indirect sympathy and attention for his antics, and no real repercussion. No incentive for him to stop.
Thank you. Reading your
Thank you. Reading your response has helped me see things a little more clearly.
DH has never stood up for me that strongly against SS. In fact, he would never tell SS to live with his mom over anything.
I fear, whether he realizes it or not, that DH puts SS first over me. SS must feel he's the most important person in his dad's life, so of course he needs to remind me of that by telling me it's not my home. It makes a little more sense now.
I think I need to have a talk with DH about his priorities, because it isn't me in this case.
Yes, he's another father who
Yes, he's another father who fears he will lose his son if he sets limits. He'd rather his son be a disrespectful brat than face his own anxiety about losing him. At this point, he fears losing you less than he fears losing his son.
Sadly, that makes sense. If
Sadly, that makes sense. If SS's presence in his dad's home is unconditional, and he knows his mom was kicked out due to her behavior, he may well have internalized that spouses are below kids and they come and go. So he can just wait (or maneuver) for your "disqualifying misbehavior."
Exactly. He knows his
Exactly. He knows his position in his dad's life is permanent no matter what. Until DH shows him I'm just as permanent, I may be stuck in this boat.
OMG
Time to buy a plaque for the front door "Mr and Mrs mshilton 16 Home" and then make the little sh*t read it every single time he walks through that door.
Wow if your DH does not curb this at 11 I can only imagine the terror he will be as a teen.
Best of luck!!!
As annoying as he is
Why are you arguing nonsense with a child?
Laugh at him. Seriously, who gives a flying F what the little shit thinks or says?
Stop doing things with him. Disengage, only be around him if your DH is there. That way, there will be little time for him to say these stupid things.
But stop showing him you are annoyed or upset. He is looking for a reaction because you are giving it to him.
I guess I just feel out of
I guess I just feel out of control when he thinks it's okay to tell me it's not my house. As if he thinks he's the boss and it's his house.
I do allow it to get to me a little too much though.
I don't think he should be
I don't think he should be allowed to get away with it. Planned ignoring can work, but my guess is that he will escalate because he knows his father won't do anything.
Yeah, I don't think the "not
Yeah, I don't think the "not your problem, don't even respond, let Dad handle him" approach works in most step situations. Maybe if visitation is limited and you're almost never around him alone.
But it's your home, and your authority in it isn't by silent proxy by your DH. You wouldn't tolerate that behavior in silence if it came from a visitor, so you certainly shouldn't from a household member.
DH should be putting that
DH should be putting that little sh*t in his place each and every time he says anything disrespectful.
I can't stand kids like this.
Wow - OSD said something
Wow - OSD said something similar to DH, that our home "Didn't feel like your (Dad's) house, but Cover's house." He didn't like that and tried to tell me to fake it like he had more authority in the home. That fell like a rock to the floor and he never questioned me again. And he never put OSD in place either, BTW.
If OSD had told me that, I would have sat her down with a pencil and paper and made her write down in all ways how exactly the house is more mine than DH's in reality.
My SS17 throughout the years
My SS17 throughout the years in his toddler like tantrums has said something similar like this to me. Example: "get out of MY house!!" HAHAHA! I didn't know you pay any bills here?? Why yes, it is SO's house but, it is not the house he had with BM and we have remodeled the house from head to toe since I've been with him.
SO has always defended me when he is throwing his ridiculous tantrums and if he says anything like that to me I now.. I literally laugh at those statements.
Your DH has to defend you. It's not ok. Is BM feeding him stories too?
I will add this though.. I don't pay any of mortgage etc because the house isn't in my name with him. SO has never expected me too either though.
When i met my husband he was midway through building
a house, but it was at a standstill because he couldn’t agree somewhat on designs etc so part of it was built already.
then he met me and after a while felt this is someone i am considering settling down with and he went full stean ahead building that house.
When we got engaged hubby also had referred to me about making decisions on all the cabinets and wardrobes etc because he felt if i were marrying him and wanting to be stay at home housewife a few years to focus on having kids that i should be comfortable with the layout and final decision rested with me because hubby liked my decision making on designs and styles.
we went out appliances and furniture shopping too. Hubby paid for everything (he has a very senior finance job). Last year he told his son that this home is mine and our kids too so if hubby is no longer around, ss doesn’t get to kick us out and make us feel not welcome even though he has done everything to make us feel unwelcome..
if ss thinks its his home when he isn’t contributing towards its upkeep, he’s an absolute idiot... his snarky ass comments to me would be met with and when you are an adult you will move on with life into your own home. The house isn’t in your name.
honestly this kid’s mission is to get you kicked out of home and made to feel unwelcome, typical skid bs.. your husband needs to cut that out and there just seems so much inaction from him
It sounds like he needs to
It sounds like he needs to see a therapist to me. Maybe his mother cheating and parents getting divorced gave him this negative way of thinking about women.