Is this too much communication with BM?
After reading another post on this subject I'm feeling less crazy so I want to know what you think about what I've been dealing with. I've been so frustrated at how much BM is messaging my BF. It's just always something. They used to OFW but moved to What'sapp. For the most part BF ignores them, but that's mostly been in recent months and not all the time. There are times during the work day where they'll go at it back and forth back and forth over BS that has little to nothing to do with the kid. It's the little unnecessary crap like "can you drop him off later today" "I'm on my way" acting like we're all friendsies and can get along. But she's so abusive and toxic to BF and a bully to me I just can't stand it.
For example... she recently messaged saying "please bring Valentine's for SS5's class, I don't want him to be the only one who doesn't have valentine's for the class." BF responded "why don't you drop them off on your way to work then" She said "ummm because you're a parent too? lol" I don't want this woman ordering my BF around on what to do!! He's too afraid to just tell her to f off for some reason.
The other night we were in bed and it was after 10:30pm and she was calling. BF ahs told her many times before to only call if it's an emergency. So he looked at me and said "well i have to pick up." He picked up and he put it on speaker and she said "hey, was SS5 having any issues breathing in his breathing when he was with you last night? He woke up gasping for air a couple of times and he's had his cold and I'm alarmed he might have pnemonia and might have to take him to ther ER." (BM sleeps with the kid while we don't, so we don't know about every flinch or breath he does throughout the night.) BF said "umm," just stared at me, and i shook my head, implying we didn't notice anything like that. He didn't have a fever, didn't have a cough, he was just congested. He said "no I didn't notice." She said "well I'm alarmed." He said ok well why don't you reocrd a video and send it to me if you think it's bad." I was soo irritated. I expressed this to BF and he said you're right, she didn't need to call. He sent a message saying "can you please call only if it's an emergency. You can make the decision whether you think he needs to go to the ER. At that point then give me a call. I appreciate you respecting this boundary." She immediately sent a loooooong ass reply "you and your GF need to get over yourselves! I need to be able to check in with you about these things because he is your SON and if you care at all then you would WANT to be involved so next time I just won't tell you AT ALL if I take him to the ER!!" I said just ignore her. He said "I feel like I need to respond to the part about not contacting me if she takes him to the ER. It's in the CO that we need to inform the other parent if that happens." I said obviously she's just trying to get your attention with that. If she does break the CO then respond accordingly.
Why is it so hard to block out a person who is just a toxic POS?? She disrespects me and my BF all the time when I've kept myself completely out of it, apart from telling BF what makes me uncomfortable. He's ok with her just sending novels of messages about how she gets no respect, calls him an a$$hole, is a horrible father, and none of those things are true. I wish he would decide no more messaging since you can't be respectful, and block her from everything except email. She's an annoying chihuahua with jowls that just don't quit flapping. UUGGGHHH.
If BM is the CP she can deal
If BM is the CP she can deal with the Valentines and everything else that does not happen during the NCP's time. That is what she gets paid to do. CS is the NCP's payment to the CP for doing those things and the NCP's contribution to supporting the kid(s) they share with the CP.
I think that you need to deliver the message to BF that he needs to recover his testicles from BM's purse. He should have repossessed his balls when that relationship ended. He can't be all in on the relationship he shares with you if his balls are in her possession.
Yes, they have 50/50 equal
Yes, they have 50/50 equal custody but somehow she gets decent CP. that's a good point. That's the reason he's paying her haha. But also if he just forgets or doesn't care, she can't control him! That's just what happens on his end. If she wants SS5 to have gifts for school then she can do it her damn self.
Yes. For me, it's way too
Yes. For me, it's way too much communication. It is possible to have joint custody and not talk about every little thing with your ex on a daily basis. That is enmeshment. I called my ex when i was on the way to the ER with my daughter. I don't call him for his opinion every time she is sick. He isn't a doctor. And we each handle things for her on our weeks. If Valentines are due on my week, i do them. I would never call my ex about such a trivial thing. Not having to talk to him daily is the best part about being divorced. This BM is keeping herself inserted into your BF's life, and idk about you, but i don't want to regularly share my SO with his ex. He is still working on setting boundaries and i won't move forward in the relationship until he does. You should not either until there is room for you to be a twosome instead of a threesome. Having a child together does not make this right. If they aren't capable of being parents without being enmeshed, this is not a situation you should put yourself in.
Exactly my thoughts. I just
Exactly my thoughts. I just feel crazy sometimes because there's all these excuses. She has constant interest. Every other day she sends some message about SOMETHING. And I feel like ignoring them just isn't working. I wish he would tell her off and block her from everything. I've said to him before I feel like a third wheel in this dynamic. She shouts over me and gets her way before I do. I can get him feeling scared because she's tried taking away custody and called the cops over made-up BS so she could get her way. Nothing came of it because he's never done anything wrong and is a very loving and involved father. He won't recognize it's time to call out this bully on her crap.
way too much communication!
way too much communication! yes , both parents need to be able to communicate for the well being of the child ,, but she is trying to keep your BF's focus still on her. Even if the BM gets remarried ,, they still seem to do it. BF needs to grow some balls and keep firm with the boundries or you will just end up feeling like a mistress or the third wheel. MY SO's ex would send him text messages at 4 am saying 'theres been an accident with their son and he needs to come and help quick", she would do this frequently,, thankfully my SO wouldnt even respond after a while but then it was a case of 'the boy who cried wolf',, the day came when the kid hurt himself and we didnt believe her cos of all the years of drama. you set your boundries with your BF and he can set the boundries with the BM
Keeping the focus on her is
Keeping the focus on her is exactly what I feel like is happening. I keep hearing this reassurance from him that he'll keep communication at a minimum but it doesn't stay that way. I honestly don't care about the emergency excuse to message back and forth every day about valentines cards. I want the cow blocked and if the kid goes to the ER, the hospital can call BF. >:[
Look, the whole point of OFW
Look, the whole point of OFW is to avoid all of this pointless crap so use it and next time the phone rings tell him he doesn't have to answer it. Tell him to block the texts and the calls and use OFW exclusively! If there is a life-threatening emergency she can call his mother/father/any other designated person to contact him. FFS, he's paying for OFW, tell him to use the darn thing and get his ex out of his hair once and for all!
BTW, was OFW court-ordered? If it was there was a damn good reason for it and what you wrote above is a pretty good illustration of why.
They used to have OFW but
They used to have OFW but right around they received the CO it expired and it wasn't included in the CO. Since they didn't want to pay to renew they agreed on WhatsApp. But even when they used it there was STILL incessant messaging. Probably even more than now bc BF was very engaged in communication.
He needs to communicate
He needs to communicate differently and not give her so much of his time.
BM: Hey, can you drop Valentines off at SS5's class? I don't want him to not have any.
DH: I won't be able to do that this morning.
BM: Why, you are a parent too.
DH. *ignore*
Back and forth and arguing and making jabs at her is what keeps it going. Make it businesslike and ignore anything that he doesn't want to answer.
Exactly this. Also, is she
Exactly this. Also, if she calls & it’s not an emergency, he can simply say ‘this is not an emergency & I’m hanging up’. Then hang up & ignore any further texts. The longer he engages with this the longer she’ll keep doing it, his responses only encourage her.
That's what he's done in the
That's what he's done in the past, but it isn't consistant. And she's relentless. So when she gets that response she's looking for it reinforces her behavior. I've told him it needs to be business-like soooooo many times. When he does that, she passive aggressively mocks his tone and becomes extra childish with her language. That's why I want it just cut off completely. No messaging. No texting. No calls. Nothing.
Maybe if he tried cutting her
Maybe if he tried cutting her down a bit might discourage her - when she called about asking whether she should take the child to the ER, he could have told her that if she couldn't make a decision about the child's health maybe she shouldn't have him 50% of the time.
He used to say things like
He used to say things like that to her all the time. But it would just ramp up her hostility. I would like to see him cut her down more about her having no life and not being over their relationship since I think that's the root of her constant interjection in our business.
Cut that off now
This used to happen to me too. I had to harp on it a LOT. Im 5.5 years in, and it sucks.
And now that SD13 has her phone the past few years, shes in the middle of things between them. Example: our wedding anniversary weekend, and we were just settling in bed, SD13 Munchkin (who I love dearly), calls because she has been alone all afternoon, and evening and Toxic Troll wasnt responding to her texting or calls, so she was worried, and DH had to get involved. Of course Toxic Troll called just as he was headed out the door.
Or another example:
Toxic Troll: Im thinking of getting a pool table in my living room, can I have your old one and can you bring it to me?"
DH: "no, I will not do that now or ever, for you".
Toxic Troll: "Its hot over here, can I have that snow cone maker?"
Toxic Troll, the day we got married: "Good luck, hope third time is the charm for you!" (as they were married by a judge at courthouse and then a ceremony in his sisters backyard)
Toxic Troll: "I need my child support check for my trip to Hawaii"
Yeah - it doesnt get better unless you get very hardcore in complaining. The concept is that he needs to be more concerned about pissing YOU off compared to her.
Wow that comment when you got
Wow that comment when you got married I can completely see that happening to us when that day comes. Toxic troll is right. I'm glad to see your persistant advocacy for the respect of the relationship paid off. I do love SS5 too which makes things a lot easier. I don't think I would be able to put up with anything if I didn't like him.
I've definitely been vocal about how I feel and I think because of that it's gotten a lot better than before. But it's still too much. And I get the feeling he doesn't really want to cut off the communication because he also likes to have some kind of control too.
Constant contact from an Ex about the children
is NEVER really about the children!!! Plain and simple! No need at all. There is always something else going on with BM and it is usually that she can't let go of the DH in the situation and she wants control. I can tell you it doesn't end as along as the DH has his head buried in the sand and stays non confrontational about it. Trust me I know. I am still having this issue right now actually after 18 years of marriage and the kids are in their late twenties almost 30.
I also hate to say that blocking persistent BM's like the one in my life doesn't help. She finds ways and even borrows other peoples phones. It is awful to deal with and something you need to keep addressing now or it is never going away!!!!!!!!
As Rags says your BF needs to recover his balls out of BM's purse!!! Set boundaries and stick to them!!!