I think I have been blind to how SD has been manipulating me
I have been reading a lot about narcissists and especially covert narcissists, and the strategies narcs use to manipulate people. And I actually think it has given me some clarity in regards to my interactions with SD20 and how she manages to manipulate so many people in her life, like DH, her doctor, teacher, etc. First of all, everything I read is spot on describing SD behavior.
A couple of weeks ago, I went to her room to firmly set a boundary (she had been stealing my clothes), and she immediately started saying all these things about how terrible her mother is lately, arguing with her SO and getting drunk all the time, and how her mother and Stepdad is breaking up. She is devastated and has a really tough time. For the first time, I did not feel any compassion towards her and just felt like she was trying to make me feel bad for reprimanding her when she was in such a poor state. She was talking just to distract from the topic at hand and make me feel like I have to defend myself. By switching our roles, I was suddenly the inconsiderate one. It was like I saw the whole conversation from the outside and realized she is trying to play on my emotions and empathy and get me to give her special treatments for a period of time, it was an aha moment, were my gut feeling was screaming: this is not a normal conversation(!).
Previously, I would feel bad for her and think that it would be a good thing that she felt so close to me that she could disclose personal stuff. Maybe we even had a stronger bond then I thought.. Gosh! I was a complete fool... So I did not even engage and just brought the conversation back to my topic while trying to enforce the gray rock method in my communication.
I do not know if this is a coincidence or not, but the very next day, she went to live with her friend rent-free and gets a lot of sympathy from her because of her terrible home situation with BM. (I am not complaining about that)
The whole narrative is very sketchy. First of all, she has not been living at her BM for years. She mostly talks to her on her phone or has brief meet-ups. She lives at our house full time, so the living situation at BM should not matter on her living condition now. Also, she hates her Stepdad, so if they were breaking up, she should be celebrating. She has been blaming her stepdad for making her feel bad at BM, and, therefore, he is the reason she never stays there, according to her. Also, I saw BM on my way to work in the morning and she looked like her "normal" self on her way to work. This has given her an opportune possibility to embrace her victimhood and cash out in people's special treatment for her and freeload of her kind friend, that even drives her around in her car whenever she wants, SD nickname on her (behind her back) is the taxicab.
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BM and SS are both masters of
BM and SS are both masters of playing the victim and getting sympathy from others. Doesn't work on us, but it sure works on others.
Last time we went to court, BM limped in like she was in excruciating pain. Walked out just fine. DH says that's how she gets people to feel sorry for her. It's sickening.
Oh, wow, I imagine the
Oh, wow, I imagine the limping con-woman. Then, going out without a limp sound like she lacks intelligence. I mean, I can't even see myself doing such a thing without feeling like a complete idiot. It truly is sickening, the toxic people walking around completely lacking kindness and compassion but exploiting and causing so much problems and pain for normal people.
Interestingly, SD (and BM) also has this trait of completely disregarding common sense and trying to shape and rewrite reality through constant lies and roleplaying. (gaslighting)
It was the magistrate she
It was the magistrate she wanted to feel sorry for her, no need to limp further. She's actually a very smart woman and knows how to play the game. She has taught SS well, but it no longer works with me or DH. Never did work with DH, lol, in terms of SS. His victim-playing used to work a bit for me, but not anymore.
Ah, I see only the magistrate
Ah, I see only the magistrate was worth the effort in her eyes. It gives me hope to read that you have moved passed this manipulation and see through her victim-playing for what it is.
Very common here with SD (40)
Very common here with SD (40). She actually tells her father she is "not in a good place" if he has the audacity to challenge her. It is just an avoidance tactic and a very manipulative one.
40 years old and still doing
40 years old and still doing this *mouth drop*. I guess I should not be surprised since SD is a blueprint of her narc BM. However, It is terrifying thinking about the future of SD behavior. I guess, self-protection and education on how to handle such toxic people are vital for our mental health. So thankful for all of you on steptalk, that generously gives advice and shares experiences.
You've got it!
It's so interesting (among other things) when things finally click about how a skid, or BM, or both together, work their manipulation. Once it clicks, you are exactly right, it is like seeing the conversation from the outside. My SD, unfortunately, sounds very much like your own. In any situation, no matter how in the wrong she is or what she has done, she manages to turn things around so she is the victim. They deflect the focus from their wrongdoings onto you, or someone else, and turn the tables so you are being cruel, harsh etc for having the audacity to bring up their wrongdoing, setting a boundary or demanding respect. Just like you felt, they shift the gears so you are suddenly having to defend yourself, as though you are in the wrong for bringing up whatever the actual topic at hand is. They succeed in avoiding having to take responsibility, or consequences, and the SM goes away confused but still unresolved about the matter.
My SD learned this, extremely well, from BM. They are both professional victims. Literally professional victims considering the way they "earn" their money is sitting at home getting disability, and personal injury compensation for totally bogus "disabilities", and of course CS. Neither work, or have ever worked, and just make their way through life on other peoples dime, CS, government benefits, insurance payouts and whatever they can leach off anyone. You name a medical condition and they have it, whatever they need to fake they will for money, attention and sympathy. Textbook malingerers.
Apparently all these "disabilities", which very conveniently disappear whenever there is a fun social outing, or fun physical activity and only reappear whenever a JOB is mentioned, or they may be expected to make some sort of contribution to their own welbeing or society, render them absolved of having to take any personal responsibility for anything they do. As you said, Eve-Bee, it is incredible how these sort of people are able to pull off the manipulation to so many others. You would think doctors, court judges, the government, and our DH's would be able to see what utter rubbish it all is, but they seem to get away with it everytime.
My SD's catchphrase, which she uses on every occassion she has ever been confronted about her actions, has been to say (while fake tears run down her face or in the case of message/email crying emojis!) she "was just going through a really difficult time". This I would really like to trademark just for her. I fell for the act for a number of years and felt bad for her, which resulted in SD never having consequences for her actions and everyone actually giving her more attention because we felt sorry for her!
After I realised how stupid I had been and how it was all just a manipulative act things became so clear. I had to kick my own butt to ask myself how I had ever fallen for the manipulation. All the talk of "going through a really difficult time" was just crap. Her difficulties, which were mild compared to most in this world, were all her own doing.
I had to stop and think, why were her problems more important than anyone else's, and why should she be effectively allowed and enabled to continue to damage other people just because of her "difficult times"? We ALL go through difficult times, goodness just about any step can vouch for that, yet it doesn't give us the right to willfully and cruelly hurt other people, nor do normal people try to ruin others lives with this excuse. I had this out with my DH, who likes to put his head in the sand and make up fantastical ideologies of why they "had" to do what they did (typical disney daddee) and choose to disregard the bad or evil qualities. I had to point out that SD's problems were due to her mindset of being a victim, and DH and BM's enablement of SD thinking she is entitled to special treatment because COD, of course.
I don't pander to this charade any longer. SD is entranged from us (but again trying to get daddee to run after her again) and I have no interest in playing her games. She and BM (joint at the hip) can try all they want, but I am done. I don't care about the difficult times SD deflects with, they are not my problem. She never gave any care or thought to the difficult times SHE created for so many people.
Good job Eve-Bee on recognising the manipulation and refusing to be sucked into it. I'm relived for you that your SD is out of your house. I hope for you she doesn't rebound, or if she tries that you and your DH can mutually decide to refuse to have tha manipulation in your home again. Good luck!
Dear Justthesecondwife, thank
Dear Justthesecondwife, thank you so much for your very interesting and insightful comment. Our SD's most definitely sound very similar on everything, even the facking illnesses.
I truly think that I have made some progress
I did often see how she manipulated DH and family. In my naive mind, though, I thought that I was not being manipulated, because she was not going at it in the same way as with the others. Also, I wondered how teachers and other people fell for her manipulation, as I have not witnessed that firsthand, rather I see the outcome in special treatment. I did, however, realize that she was very focused on me, in a very invasive manner, copying my personality and mimicking my character (narcissistic mirroring) while to lazy to actually do the work that has been behind my carrier accomplishments, etc. Now I think she was actually getting narc supply from me. Think about it, she would never come to our house when I was gone, and DH was home, the moment I came home, she came home. I used to think that it was because she needed to use me to be closer to DH. Or that she was so focused on breaking my and DH relationship. Now I think it was the opposite. She was using DH to be able to use narc triangulation on me. I also think that she was getting narc supply from me. I will work hard to stop it now. I think the key is to keep learning about narcissistic personality disorder and how they get supply and their manipulation tactics. My goal is to stop supplying the narc and set myself free from the toxic SD.
It used to mean the world to
It used to mean the world to me to get the stepfamily to work, and I have given so much. I always strived to treat her fairly. I have actually felt deep sorrow for how SD turned out, hoping desperately to see any sign of empathy or growth from her. I always tried to give her a chance to not follow in her mother's path and stay open for her to change her ways. Now I think this was my weakness.
She is an adult now, and I feel like it is time for me to disengage completly. After having read about the narc supply, I think I will treat her like she is nobody, no positive or negative energy, the grey rock way. Which is so opposite of how I would treat anyone, but that is probably a good thing.
They are experts at sussing
They are experts at sussing out each person's weakness. She knows you want to feel as if you two have a special bond and she uses that. I'm a sense, it's really the only way she knows how to operate and she's good at it. And they know that caring people don't like to see others hurting so they play on that.
Thanks! this describes her
Thanks! this describes her strategy in life perfectly.
And, when I, for the first time, did not respond like a caring person, she discarded me and moved on to the next caring person on the list. Wish I had known this earlier, It would have made my life easier for sure! But, in a way, it also gives me closure knowing that I gave it my best effort to get the stepfamily to work, it gives peace to mind knowing that.
This whole revelation has changed my whole outlook on my step life. I will not consider myself her stepmother any more since I have no interest in working on our relationship. Knowing that it was never a relationship, rather me being a source for narc supply.
Another key thing i have learned from experience
As well as learning about narcissistic personality disorder etc. another critical issue is to stand in unity with your DH. Sadly I can see clearly what my SD does and how she works, but my DH cannot. He always says "its her mother pulling the strings, it's not her" or "it's her husband pulling the strings, it's not her". She knows EXACTLY what she is doing and so does he, but he is too spineless and afraid to challenge her. Before Christmas she behaved disgracefully, she said my SO was a shit grandad to her four kids amongst other things. (This was because he did not ring the grandchild on their birthday. He had sent a card and token in the post to arrive on the birthday. In my book it was the grandchild who should be ringing to thank grandad and me for the gift). She will not allow her father (my SO) around her home despite him funding her towards it in the past behind my back when she got in financial difficulties. This is because, due to her filthy mouth and pure contempt of me I will not have her here. The thing that really hurt him was when she sent a Christmas card out of a box, not a "dad" one. I said to him it was time now to sort her out and put some boundaries in. It sat with him. He rang her and she admitted "yes, I did do it to hurt you as you'd hurt me". He had made arrangements to meet up with her and at the 11th hour she texted and cancelled (obviously because she was pissed off with him). To cut a very long story short, he wrote a list of all the issues with her and challenged her with them. She did NOT like that one bit, not a bit. For once he had stood up to her, it had taken 20 years. They haven't spoken since. Last week he told me he didn't like the situation and was going to ring her. Same old same old, buying into her once again....he simply empowers her. This has caused a cavernous situation between us. I am up in the bedroom and have been since Saturday. I think I have finally realised this is NEVER going to change, not if I live to be Methusala. I gave him an ultimatum. He has chosen her. So my message to you is, you will never win with a narcissist, never ever. They are as manipulative as the day is long. Keep your DH very tightly to your side and do not let her drive a wedge between you. Keep your wits about you and be very very aware. If a narcissist is being nice there is something in it for them.
Oh, Doodlemadmummy, I am so
Oh, Doodlemadmummy, I am so sorry to hear that your DH was such a poor excuse for a husband for you. I think choosing his narc DD over you will be the biggest mistake of his life. And, he surely has made many poor choices like putting his toxic mishap into the world. Now he has given up on a good woman to put his efforts into his evil toxic mess, such a waste. The whole situation with the grandchild is so manipulative and that he cannot see that, well, I think you are right he probably does but is too spineless. Such a disappointment, and huge step backward that he would first challenge her, then come running to fix it, she is molding him to be the perfect victim of her abuse, I guess.
Your advice about standing in unity with my DH, is important I agree. However, I really do not know if my DH will be able to do that. Time will tell, I guess. He is sometimes also to spineless and afraid to challenge her. Other times he does it, and then she runs to her grandmother, or rather her grandmother (the creator of narc BM) rushes to come and pick her up and save her.
I do not really know how to describe this, but I do not think that my DH has a lot of the qualities that her narc motivations are drawn to. He is in many ways a simple man(not rich, not of high social status), and has a habit of putting himself first, he can be kind don't get me wrong, but he is not a caretaker- type of person or one that is a problem solver (I am). He also has a job and a hobby, and a lot of his time and money go into that, and SD would never be able to take anything from that. So if he is going on a weekend to do his hobby, he is not going to drop everything just for her.
There is an issue of him giving her money, but I actually think that if that money took away from his hobby, he would not do it. Honestly, he is a bit of a jerk towards me when it comes to money. I am the one with the highest income, and he tends to find ways of giving my money to SD, by making me pay more of the bills on occasions, etc. He says that he would give me money if it were the other way around, but he is terrible with money, so he always burns through the money he has, also buys a lot of food and cooks for us, when his salary comes in. Thus he does contribute. However, I am working with separating finances, and I think that if he is the one that has to feel the consequences of the loss of the money that goes towards SD, he will stop. If he has to cancel a weekend of doing his hobby just to spoil SD, he will most definitely never do it again. Either way, I am fine. If he chooses to use his free money on SD after the bills are paid, I do not care.
"If a narcissist is being nice, there is something in it for them." Spot on! I see this when it comes to her interactions with others, but I will be more mindful of her "niceness" towards me. Her tone of voice is also very telling, it is difficult to describe correctly, but most of the time, when she is not the focus of the conversations, her voice is deprecated, monotone, or sometimes shows signs of being irritated. While when she is in the center, or when she is manipulating her tone changes completely.