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How do I stop hating my step-daughter?

UnicornStepMom's picture

Submitted by UnicornStepMom on Sun, 07/14/2019 - 1:32pm

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Disengaging

My husband and I have been together for about 1.5 years. He has 3 kids from 2 different mothers. I love his older two boys (10 & Dirol and we get along wonderfully. His almost 4 year old daughter, on the other hand, is a completely different story. I don't know if it's that I hate her mother more than the boys mother or if it's that I hate the kid herself or if it's just that I hate the way my husband favors her. She has a diagnosed speech delay and aside from that I personally think there are other undiagosed learning and/or behavior disorders. Her bio mom isn't worth much and honestly doesn't need to be a mother. Although, while writing this I feel like I don't deserve to be one either. I want absolutely nothing to do with her. They have equal custody so we have her half of the month and the other half she's with her bio mom. I dread our time with her. I don't have any children of my own so maybe I'm just expecting too much from a four year old? But she's not potty trained 100% yet, she barely talks, and when she does it's just gibberish. We know that she understands what we say to her but she chooses to ignore us most of the time. She is in her "no" phase where everything is "no I don't wanna do that" which frustrates me beyond words. My husband openly favors her because she's a girl. If she refuses to eat her dinner, he spoon feeds her like a baby. Shes cries all night long every night she's with us. We have a set bedtime and bedtime routine, she has a nightlight in her room, etc, but we can't sleep or spend any time together because she's constantly crying and whining. She can't be left alone in a room by herself or she flips out and starts crying. My husband says this is all normal but I don't think it is. I don't just hate kids because I get along fabulosuly with the boys. I don't know what it is about her that just makes me so angry every second she's here. What can I do?

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Sun, 07/14/2019 - 2:34pm

the coddling by your DH (I have watched a family member do this to their own child), but it could be part of some physical/mental issue. 

Regarding the speech issue, has anyone taken her to be evaluated for speech apraxia? https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/childhood-apraxia-of-spee...

If she has that then perhaps as her ability to communicate improves other areas will improve or you will be able to discover where else there are deficits. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sun, 07/14/2019 - 4:41pm

She needs an evaluation, not one bit of this is "normal" for a 4-year-old.  I don't understand why DH doesn't want to get his daughter the help she needs?

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Mon, 07/15/2019 - 7:56am

All you can do is disengage.  That hard with a 4 yo,  she is going to eat into your alone time.  4 yo should go to bed with out it being a circus,  That BM and Bf fault for playing her game. So a lot of this is your SO fault.  He enjoys playing her game.  You have to get things to go to get away from her. Craft room in your home. Or something 

Charmaigne's picture

Submitted by Charmaigne on Tue, 01/07/2020 - 3:15pm

 The little girl is too old for that crap..she understand like you said so..she understands! My bf used to feed his 6 year old and put on her clothes like even her underwear the day he left me oh my god its a miracle I simply said do this that and this aaand she was able.  I am nice to her but I don't really like her around to don't feel bad I know it has a lot to do with the fact that I hate the Bm and I am also resentful that I am not going to have another baby and I really want one since he has a downstairs issue that he refuses to acknowledge but that's a while other story so sge represents my resentment and the fact I have to watch his bm disrespect him and he takes it and takes care of their princess.. She never says please or thank you  with him she points.. Yesterday she wanted more ketchup she gets up finds him and she is pointing at the food over at the table he is like what baba(yes baba) yuck... What do want..more food...she shakes her head no ..more ketchup..she shakes her head yes... Ummm wtf.. So I was about to input myself and say how about daddy may I have some more ketchup PLEEEEAAASE..but nope I grit my teeth and rolled my eyes.. I'm sorry I just do not have the motherly bond with her and maybe I will fine day it just has not kicked in.. But she likes me a lot and loves coming over I engage her with enthusiasm when she comes over then I dissappear onto the room or start cleaning so it is not so obvious.....