New to this
Im really here to vent and hear others stories, does it ever get better?????? ....k so where do I start. My partner and I have been together 2 years, he has a 8yo son from previous relationship and we have a son who is 4m. He has his son every weekend. He works 12-14 hr days and picks up DS on Friday and his him all weekend. We don't live together on weekends when he has DS.
Here's the problem;
As our son is still a little baby, I have asked that he split his time on weekends with both the boys. As it is currently, he spends Friday - Sunday with his son. Doesn't even bother coming over to see us unless I ask or plan something. But with covid and everything, I'm careful to take my infant out...
.His 8yo son has communication difficulties and behavioural issues.He can't talk very well. He can say works like dad, eat, no, yes and then the rest is basically gibberish. He throws a tantrum every time he doesn't get something his way, he expects a toy every time we go to the shop and will only eat McDonalds. He will turn his nose up and yell EWWW if we're in a restaurant. He will scream and cry if we're going in the opposite direction that he wants to go. He rolls his eyes and doesn't respond if you even try talk to him nicely, His dad tries to teach him but he refuses to listen. He isn't self suffient at all, he can't even put his shoes on the right feet or do them up :S As he is a "weekend dad" he usually just gives in. But I've had enough and started calling him out on it. if he can't teach his oldest son the proper behaviour WITH consequences how will he teach his youngest? Consequences for bad behaviour teach children how to behave properly. Simple manners is important I thought?
as he really only has 2 days a week free, I asked him to split the time between the boys. The baby goes to bed well before he gets home so he's very rarely there to help me and I would just like a little help on weekends, and I'm sorry to say but I would like the help without his terror of a son being there screaming no in my face. Im a FTM and it's giving me anxiety.
His ex had a problem with this because she also loves to palm her 8yo off every weekend and holiday. It wasn't an issue before cos it was just the 2 of them but now he needs to spend time with both children equally. Do you think I am wrong? My baby doesn't ever want to go to him, doesn't really know him and vice versa! As his dad, he doesn't even know any of his cues. I just give up and take him cos I hate hearing the baby cry all the time when he carries him.
was my request wrong to ask him to spend more 1on1 with the baby too? I feel bad for asking him to split the time but I also don't because our son needs his dad too!
help!
- A very sad anxious mom!!!
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Your partner should be
Your partner should be learning from professionals how best to help his oldest son progress and implementing strategies to help his behavior. If he isn't talking to professinoals, reading relevent literature, getting all the support he can and then taking action then his 8 year old is unlikely to improve. The behavior does sound like the 8 year old has severe problems, unless your son also happened to inherit similar issues from his father then it is unlikely that he will also be as developmentally delayed as his half brother. He may though suffer if his father has no time for him or does not try to correct bad behavior but just accepts it.
It is more tricky for your partner to spend time with your son when weekend days are spent in different homes. Why are things set up like this? Is it to save your sanity? Or is it because your partner wants to focus all his attention on his son? If you spending time with your step son and your partner on weekend days is out of the question then I think that it is not unreasonable to ask your partner to change to having his older son every other weekend or even just 3 weekends a month. Perhaps he could take a weeknight dinner with his eldest to make up for the lost time if that would make him feel a bit better about the change. If he agreed to that then after a little while I might start working on seeing if your partner can adjust his hours or his job to one that is more condusive to helping with the baby.
Aiming for equal treatment between the two boys is not the right strategy. The boys are different ages and have and will have very different needs and they obviously also have different homes and mothers. Things will never be equal between them. BUT your partner absolutely should be trying to even things up a bit and should try to offer them both his time, attention and care. It sounds like your son is missing out completely right now on a relationship with his father and you are right to advocate to move towards improving that.
Yep I completely agree! But his ex has told him that she is taking care of the professionals. She apparently takes him to counselling and all I have heard them say is “he is doing great, he’s improving so much! He’s so smart” but as an outsider to the family unit I don’t see that to be honest. He was not this bad before. I’ve seen tantrums in the middle of shopping centres and restaurants that include tears and screaming and if I didn’t know that child I would be v embarrassed for the parents. As far as I can tell, my son has no issues but again... only 4m old. He’s hit his developmental milestones quiet early. My partners son couldn’t “talk” til the age of 7... and I probably wouldn’t even say that’s talking...
We live seperate because I can’t stand to be alone all the time. Currently residing with family. And I’m cautious to move in with him becauz of his son. I can’t stand to be around him for more than a few hours bc I don’t have the patience for the behaviour to be honest..
I wish we could do EOW that would be perfectly fine by me but his ex won’t have it. She needs to palm him off every weekend. I guess for her sanity.i would too.
I was in the position when we
I was in the position when we had our own child. I am a FTM too, when I was pregnant I would avoid him and his kids since he would say how i inturrupted his time with them. After baby was born, he would still have them lot of time and not spend as much with me and baby. So I voiced my thoughts to him and gave him a taste. He would complain that I wouldnt have time for him because of baby etc and I threw it at his face showing how I felt when he wouldnt give us his family time. Since then he changed, he gave us our spot and has put them in place too
I've just started doing this
I've just started doing this too and making my own plans without him becauz why should I be waiting around for him to make time for us on the weekend. But I told him he needs to change something otherwise I'm done. I won't let my son suffer because he can't equally share his time. He's had 8 whole years with his eldest and tbh he's (and his ex) not patented the right way clearly since his behaviour is so bad! I would never let my son act like that! Not without consequence!!
Speech issues
I wanted to recommend that your SO see about speech therapy for his son. My granddaughter had speech delay, also. She also threw tantrums, it was very alarming. We learned that inability to express herself vocally led her to express another way. Speech therapy was a life-changer for my GD. She became the sweet, empathetic person she is now as an adult.
I have recommended it and he
I have recommended it and he spoke to his ex who said "she will take care of it". After the 2 sessions they've had "apparently" he's improved so much and he's very very smart but .... his actions show otherwise. I can't force them to go see someone else as it was already a big enough effort to get her to take him to one in the first place!
He needs to stop "speaking"
He needs to stop "speaking" to his ex about therapy and start sitting in on sessions, or at least talking to the therapist afterwards. He needs to hear what he could/should be doing in his home to help his son and he needs to hear it from a specialist. There are always things a parent can do to help their child. Always. He really should be more proactive in his son's care.
Also, it can take many, many sessions of therapy for things to improve. A couple of sessions are nothing.
Exactly. He is being passive
Exactly. He is being passive on something that he can't be. BM is obviously not doing her part- he needs to step up.
Not sure what SS's actual
Not sure what SS's actual diagnosis is but he needs more than a couple of sessions.
Your BF also needs an actual custody schedule. Maybe she will agree to 50/50 with week on /week off? If she won't then he needs to go back to court and get a real CO with a custody schedule and stick to whatever that is. I don't know why men are do afraid of BM's and lack the balls to do that. The courts aren't going to take the kid away from him. He can also tell BM no. It is really easy- one syllable and everything!
Of course he needs to spend time with you and your joint baby as well. However, if he won't pull his head out of his a$$ and be a partner in raising this child, then maybe you need to go to court. Set up a custody schedule and CS and move on with your life and look for an actual life partner.