Weight Loss Wasn't the Answer I Guess
Quick summsry...married to my second husband. My boys are 22 (twins) and live back in my home state. I have 3 step kids (19, 16 and 14). I have so many issues when it comes to my step kids...they are aloof, lazy, clueless, no motivation, disconnected. I've been with my DH almost 5years now. As life goes on and brings it's challenges, I see more abd more that some of their behavior has been directly learned from DH.
DH has a porn habit. I'm not sure I'd call it an addiction but he consistently views it. I wouldn't really care as much if our sex life was quality. It's pretty much non-existenr now. It was great in the beginning...a little vanilla but great. I felt he really wanted me. But on the rare occassions we do hsve sex, I feel like it's just a meansto an end.
I had a significant injury a couple of years ago snd I put on quite a bit of weight. I thought that was part of the issue. Last July I started my weight loss journey. To date I've lost 42 lbs! All I get is "don't get too skinny" or when I'm walking on the treadmill its "don't you ever take a break from that thing". Mind you, I only walk an hour a day. He started the weight loss journey with me in July but fell off the wagon withinh 2 months.
He told me a couple weeks ago I need to come back to bed in the morning because that's the best time to catch him. Last Saturday I went back to bed....tried cuddling with him. Immediately it was "oh, my stomach doesn't feel good this morning". Sunday I tried again. He rolled over, hugged me, then got up.
I'm done trying...tired of being rejected. He was traveling for work the week of Christmas. I feel awful saying this, but I checked his tablet. He was on the porn site snd on a new one where you csn watch people on web cams live. It makes me sick. I confronted him about this behavior a couple of years ago. He was embarrased and said its just something he's always done.
I'm almost 50. I have physical, women issues that make or do sex isn't as enjoyable as it once was. I felt guilty about that snd a year aho I spoke with my dr and she gave me some things that help. Still to no avsil.
I love my DH like I've never loved anyone. I know he loves me. I just don't think he knows how to connect to people. He's not very social and he has a hard time dealing with his feelings. I'm learning this more and more each day.
I'm just here venting because I thought my weight loss would help him see me like he did when we met. But honestly sometimes I feel like he resents me...that I've stuck to this. I'm not going off track. I feel so much better in so many wsys...I just wish I felt like my husband really wanted me in that way still. That is all.
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As came up on another thread,
As came up on another thread, do you think he's having erectile dysfunction issues? For some men, that can be very embarrassing to admit.
He had a bad accident in his
He had a bad accident in his early 20s that resulted in some nerve damage. But he has no problem getting erect. I will say that he releases more often from a hand job than other ways. I just learned to accept that. I kid you not, I have just chalked it up to the fact that he's been using porn so long yo get satisfied that he identifies with the handy work more, if you get my drift.
He told me about 2 months ago when we were talking about our lack on intimacy that he just doesn't get that horny feeling like he used to. That if we never had sex again, he'd be ok. It hurts to the core because I know he's watching porn every day when he's away from home working. Makes me feel like yah, you don't have the feeling to fo it with me but you'll go get off watching that crap. I do feel resentment from time to time. I honestly think his lack of knowing how to or wanting to connect with people is part of the issue. Sex with DH to me is more about the connection. He doesn't have to deal with that with the porn. They are just objects (at least I hope) that he can use for satisfaction. Still hurts and makes me sick inside.
Porn can cause erectile
Porn can cause erectile dysfunction issues. It can ruin a person's sex life.
Porn causes ED
Ok, not to get more personal than I already have...he can get an erection and maintain it. However, he rarely can reach the point of ejaculation through intercourse with me. He most often achieves it through my handy work when we do have sex.
He beat chefs record
Chef fell off the wagon in 2 weeks because he lost a few pounds
You have done amazingly well
You have done amazingly well on your weightloss and should be proud. But I hope that you did it for yourself as much as you did it for your husband. Your husband has proved that not everyone is driven by physical atributes. He did not stay with you despite your larger body, he is with you because he loves you.
Sex therapsits are are thing and nothing to be ashamed about employing if you both agree to it.
My husband and are pretty much are on a cycle where we will put effort into our sex lives and it will be great, then life will get in the way for a bit, then we talk about it and find new ways to make it happen more frequently or to make it more fullfilling for each of us. We discuss our fantasies and desires without judgement and with full knowledge that not all fantasies are things that we would want to enact in reality. We apprechiate that fantasies do not always follow the rules of regular life and that we can fantasize about other people or taboo sex while still respecting and loving each other.
Neither of us links porn (live or taped) as an alternative to sex, it is just a thing that can sometimes be nice. I know my husband uses it pretty much daily, as I have done in the past but equating it to cheating or blaming it for the lack of sex is the wrong way to approach the issues. It just causes resentment and build barriers rather than breaking them down. Stopping watching porn is not going to magically improve your sex life.
Maybe as you have aged different types of sex or intimacy are what your husband (and you) need. Perhaps you two need to break out of your relationship routines altogether and try new things either independently or as a couple in order to re-find the physical attraction.
Look up Ester Perel, she has some great ideas that I have felt resonated with me. Maybe they can help you and your husband. Here is a ted talk she did on desire in long term relationships: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sa0RUmGTCYY
Talk
Thank you...I will give it a listen.
How Do I Bring This Up Again
I really want to confront DH with this again. However, I am ashamed that I am literally spying on him to confirm my suspicions. When this came up a couple of years ago and I told him yes, I looked at your phone, he was pissed. He was embarrassed. He said he would stop. He changed his passwords. I honestly believe down deep he's not doing it to hurt me. I believe he does it because he lacks the skills to connect with me on that deeper level. What Ester Perel said in the video someone suggested made a lot of sense. Desire isn't needing, it's wanting. A quality errotic relationship is one in which you feel free and safe to Express what you want. I would say we both lost that along the way. He used to tell me a joke when we were dating. Something about once you have the wedding cake, kiss the blow jobs goodbye, Well I can tell you how has received more oral sex than I have...not that it is a competition. Like I said before, when we do have sex it's very vanilla. When we were dating he played me this song called "Crazy Bitch". It was a compliment believe it or not...song about a very sexual, erotic woman. He was working in the garage the other day and I heard it playing. I ran out there and said "honey, it's my song". I got no reaction. These are the things that worry me. Yes, he tells me he loves me, sends me "I miss you" text messages when he is gone. Tells me he cannot wait to see me. Now, if I could just feel that he desires me...I would be better,
When talking to him focus on
When talking to him focus on missing the fun, sex, intimacy, desire and feeling desired. Focus on reconnecting. Ignore the porn for now. Porn is a symptom not the cause of the problem. When you two start addressing the cause of the issues and focusing on ways to reconnect then you will find either that he stops using porn so much, or you will become less bothered by his porn use. If it is still an issue then address it when you have started down the path of reconnecting and can have an honest heart to heart about it and not let it turn into an argument.
The conversation should not be a confrontation but a chance to understand each other and where you are at, what you both miss from the past and where you would both like to be. Look it as a chance to explore sexaulity in a positive way together and be open without judgements or expecations. You could bring it up cold turkey when you are both in a private space and feeling relaxed and happy without other distractions. Or you could offer up something as a way to bring up the conversation. Perhaps you could share an article or video that you think might be helpful.
Remember that the initial conversation is just that, the first stop. It is a chance to bring the topic up and to prove to you both that you can talk about this without it being someone's fault that you are where you are and without demaning changes or compromises from each other. Try to leave the conversation on a positive note with the agreement to think things over separately and come back together to discuss it further.
Once you two can have conversations that are honest, open and non-judgemental then you can start to think of ways to get to the type of relationship that you both want. You might find that you need professional help to get there or you two might be able to come up with ideas on your own but the key is good communication, a desire for positive change and the willingness to work for it.