Desperate for advice please
I met my husband shortly after he left his ex wife. The ex wife made my life hell. Stalking, smashing my car, phoning my works, even approaching my own children. She stopped my husband seeing his daughter with hysterical rages which really affected step daughter who was 14 at the time . She told the daughter all
sorts of lies about my husband . And me for that matter like we had had an affair for example and he had a new family now. We did not meet through an affair btw.
in the last five years in the step daughters absence we got married and moved house and got on with our lives. My husband tried to contact his daughter a lot of times in this period with very limited response. He and we have seen her about 5 times in 5 years. Her mother had a new partner almost straight away and he took the role of father with my husband being completely cut off and I know this hurt him a lot but eventually he accepted it as it was impossible to have contact. I also tried to contact her a few times on Facebook and she would just abuse me like her mother did. I felt sorry for her.
anyway we heard through the grapevine that the mother had split with her partner and was taking her pain out on the daughter. So I sent her a message saying door always open for you and we think of you etc. She responded nicely straight away and I had a great chat with her but didn't mention the mum. She said she would contact her dad and did so within minutes .
ahe then spoke to her dad and he was overjoyed although she was mainly concerned for her mother as apparently she had been cheated on. My SD displayed anger towards this man with the same venom that was once targeted against us.
it brought back all the old feelings that we were once targeted and I instantly regretted contacting her.
she then blocked me on Facebook and I felt upset as I orchestrated this reunion.
anyway my husband is over the moon at this reconciliation and is bending over backwards for her and even suggested to me that I need not feel obligated to sit with them when she visits or go out with them if I don't want to and maybe I could pop out or have a bath ! I am really hurt. My husband and I share a loving and close relationship and I fear she is going to ruin it..
im not sure if I am jealous or just put out. I really wish I had let sleeping dogs lie. I don't trust her at all . She is 19 now. She keeps mentioning their passed life together which I don't like instead of her trying to fit in with the life we have created. She constantly mentions her mum as if we care and she seems to have forgotten all the hurt her mother put my husband through. He also seems to have forgotten this.
I don't know what to do or say? All I know is I do not like it .
Remember, she's spent 5 years
Remember, she's spent 5 years in the Cult of Mom, hearing nothing but her lies about you and DH. It will take a while for her to get her head on straight.
Try to remember that she was a victim of BM's abuse too - parental alienation is abuse to a child. That being said, I'd let DH and her work on their relationship together and just stay back. If you trust DH not to let her "ruin" your relationship, there shouldn't be issues. If there ARE issues, then DH is the problem, not her. He should know that you've had his back when she was nowhere to be found.
Good advice thanks . I do
Good advice thanks . I do trust DH but he is just so happy I'm worried he will get carried away as not to loose her again and she knows it
That's where he has to be
That's where he has to be cautious. He can't become an ATM machine to buy her love, it doesn't work and will make things worse. He has to show he's someone worthy of respect.
It's normal for a kid who was alienated to ping-pong in and out of your life at first. Just expect that and he can't panic.
While it is true that she maybe a victim of BM too ...
Keep in mind that she is likely damaged by her and loyal to BM too. SK's usually are no matter how bad she is.
It sounds like even though it was you who reached out to her because of your kind heart, she doesn't see you as the good person that your are. It sounds like she sees you as her mother sees you and now how she sees BM's ex.
I think this situation needs to be closely monitored and your DH needs to be reminded about what happened in the past with BM and what she did to you. He also needs to be reminded that his daughter decided to stick with crazy BM and barely speak to him for years and that she likely has thinking of BM when it comes to you. He needs to be reminded that he is a family and in a marriage with you and nothing should come between that and nothing that was a normal father daughter relationship would.
I think you need to have this conversation sooner than later. This girl is an adult now and needs to understand what happened in the past, all those things that her mother said you did, you didn't do them and that she is welcome in your lives but she is part of all of your lives not just her fathers.
Welcome to the site!
Always nice to welcome a new UK member. I would give it a bit of time - Dad and daughter are currently in the first flush, the "honeymoon phase" if you will, of their reunion. If you try and get between them now it will not go well. Give it a few months and I can guarantee that on the girl's part a lot of anger will emerge with her Dad, as a result mainly of the bio mother's PASing etc, and things will not be half so lovey dovey any longer.
It will feel awkward and threatening to you in the meantime, but talk to your DH about your anxieties about the relationship, in a way that doesn't make him feel threatened as to his relationship with her. I hope he will reassure you of his continuing love - if he is a good man, he will. He has just lost his head a bit atm, in the whirlwind excitement of the reconciliation.
He is a wonderful man tbh . I
He is a wonderful man tbh . I did air my views and he said he wished things were left as they were with no contact although his actions I mentioned speak otherwise.
"I did air my views and he said he wished things were left as..
"I did air my views and he said he wished things were left as they were with no contact although his actions I mentioned speak otherwise."
Wait that is a very good sign!! That could be very true and the way he really feels. He could be feeling guilt. Not that he needs to but because she is his daughter and thinking what kind of person wouldn't want contact with their own daughter.
For many reasons and because of what you just said I think that you definitely need to stay involved and be his reality check to what is really going on before he gets sucked in to far.
I live some of your life. My husbands ex is crazy and the kids ignore him and believe her nonsense 99% of the time. This has gone on for years since the kids were young. They are in their late 20's now and we are still dealing with this. Crazy never changes. Crazy stays crazy and the kids stay loyal to crazy. They ignore my husband 99% of the time and only come around when they want something. I know he wishes they would just not come around and he is happy with our life when they don't because of their drama. However he says he is not going to jump and I will say over the years he jumps less but I know he feels guilty if he doesn't do what they ask and so he usually does whatever it is. However he doesn't let them disrupt our lives anymore for the most part.
So my point is there is hope your DH is not 100% sucked in which is great. Speak up now!! Don't let it fester for months, don't let the behavior start nip it now!!!
When my SS returned from
When my SS returned from alienation at 18, things were very awkward at first. We were all still guarded, he ping-ponged in and out of our lives, and I just avoided any contact with him. A year and a half later, things are better - he responds regularly to DH, comes over when invited, etc.
But he still lives with BM (who isn't as bad as BM in your situation, but she's narcissistic and demands loyalty) and she has damaged him to the point where neither DH or I feel we can have a real relationship with him. DH doesn't like who he is, is disappointed in him, and refuses to fall into just giving him what he wants to keep him around (though my SS isn't the type to do that anyway).
Give it a chance, but be cautious and be on guard for DH trying to buy her love. Some kids do come out of alienation.
Well fingers crossed and
Well fingers crossed and thanks for the advice. I do feel a bit better now. I really want my DH to be happy and feel complete with his child in his life. I just can't help but worry and I suffer with bad anxiety over anything concerning his ex as it's never good or at best reasonable. I know in my heart if mother was with her ex partner she would not want to see us and to make matters worse I know what they ( his ex and kids) and doing to her ex and his new partner . It's just pure venom and I don't want it in mine and my DH life but on the other hand for SD mental health I want her to know she has us as an option .