SD has not changed

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So after five years of basically ignoring her dad, my DH due to parental Alienation and having no contact with my SD now 19, I reached out to her. We heard through the grapevine her BM had split with her BF and they were moving again! DH has always had contact with his son her brother as he refused to take sides . We have a stable happy home life. She responded straight away to me and then contacted DH. We met up and she said going forward she would like a relationship with her dad . My anxiety kicked in as although I feel sorry for her I know how manipulative she is.

The following week she came around to our home and I Cooked dinner. We had a lovely evening and after dinner we played a board game and she got on well with my own BD same age and her boyfriend who is part of our family.

she said she would come the following week but didn't and my DH didn't want to put pressure on her.

they were texting in between and we offered for her to come to Sunday lunch she declined saying she was busy but said she would in the week. Then she asked to go out for a meal instead. DH said no as we have five children all young adults between us and we need to treat everyone the same and if we did that five times a week it would be ridiculous. So going out for meals are only for special occasions.

he didn't say it quite so bluntly as that but explained in a nice way . She said ok but then texted on the day to say she was busy and couldn't make it . Tbh it suited me fine. She lives in an environment where there's a lot of arguing and bitterness towards various people including DH , her BM ex, her BM sister and lots more people. We try and live a peaceful and fair life and we are happy with that.

SD clearly wants preferential treatment not just to come and join us. This has happened before and why the relationship which struck up about two years ago albeit briefly broke down again. Last time she set down terms and conditions for my DH. It's crazy. Anyway she hasn't done that this time but the basis is still there. I don't think anything has changed.

i can't see why she would say she wants a relationship with DH and then make no effort to join in with our life. She takes 3 days to respond to a text, but then is very friendly with kisses etc but always says she's busy. Yet SS who lives with her says she never goes out !

SS suggested DH to ask her what she wants. We have done this initially . I think if he asks again he won't like the answer and will be unable to fulfill her needs. I think she just wants to meet up a few times a month away from our home to go out for meals or entertainment.

Because she has missed a large chunk of our life such as getting married and moving house together I think she just wants to carry on with DH as if he's a single man and also doesn't really want to be part of our life but not miss out on presents etc or meals ! That's what it feels like. DH doesn't want just a text buddy ... hi how are you ? Then no reply for three days then fine thanks xxxx I think she likes him to chase her only for her to reject him. It's like a sick game. DH would rather no contact at all like it was than this but he also doesn't want to hurt her feelings

what does everyone think ?

It really is normal for

It really is normal for alienated kids. I've done a ton of research. Just give it time.
Not to say that she isn't manipulative or otherwise flawed - my SS has all the same traits he did when he stopped coming over.

May I ask, what did you imagine would happen when you messaged her initially? I don't say that in a snarky way, just seems like you expected something to be different. Everything you are experiencing is exactly what we experienced when SS returned from alienation.

She may not want to integrate with the family out of concern that everyone will be upset with her for the period of alienation. She may be very anxious too. Remember, she was taught that DH is awful and she's waiting for the bad behavior to start from him, too.

Set any appropriate boundaries and give it time.

ETA: Karen Woodall has done a lot work with parental alienation, and especially with adults who were alienated as kids - please check out her blog: https://karenwoodall.blog/

Tbh I thought she would just

Tbh I thought she would just be happy and greatful DH is back in her life and be happy and willing to fit in as her BM is so unstable . My family have always made her feel welcome every time she pops up. She knows her BD is a good guy . He lived with her for the first 14 years of her life and they got on great

But she doesn't know that

But she doesn't know that anymore. Alienated kids live in a split state of mind - mom is all good and Dad is all bad. She's lost touch with those happy memories, or at least, her belief in the bad stuff overwhelms those. Also, she is defended against seeing the truth about her mother.

It wouldn't be healthy for her to now see Mom as bad and Dad as good. Healthy people see both good and bad in each parent and love them anyway. She's trying to figure out how to do that, and her brain isn't fully mature. Plus - she lives with BM so is still very influenced by her.

Just lower your expectations and know that this is all normal for an alienated kid. Don't take it personally and give it time.

"i can't see why she would

"i can't see why she would say she wants a relationship with DH and then make no effort to join in with our life."

I can see exactly why she might not want to join in the "family life".. she may have been ingrained with the notion that this "family" replaced her. She may prefer to be disengaged from you and your kids.. and maybe it's overwhelming for her with all the people involved? I don't think wanting a private/quiet lowkey meal with her dad is the end of the world.

I think in this case that trying to keep it "equal" is a bit hard on her attempts to reconnect with her dad. Now, If things are super tight.. I can see not wanting to treat her to lavish meals.. but maybe dad could have suggested a meet up for coffee instead.. just the two of them?

I don't even necessarily think her wanting to meet with just her dad is an outright rejection of the rest of the group.. but given the estrangement in the past.. it might be easier for her to ease into being more comfortable with just her father instead of expecting her to want to dive headfirst into the whole family.

And... if it's ok for step parents to be disengaged.. it's ok for a skid as well.. if there is history of hurts..maybe she would like to still have a relationship with her father that doesn't require the rest of the family. I'm not saying he should allow her to monopolize and take him out of the family for significant and material amounts of time.. but it should be ok for him to have some contact withher that doesn't require your and the other kids' involvement.

I would also be interested in

I would also be interested in understanding the other dynamic of the 5 kids.. how many are yours.. vs his alone. how many are joint?

If she is the only child that is his and not yours..maybe she felt pushed out somehow.. (aided by her mother PAS)

Maybe since BM boyfriend is gone

Exter money is also gone. And SD needs someone to support her the way she wants to be supported. $$$. Makeup supply's getting low. Needs a $300 hair cut. Spring clothes needed ? She wants to get DH alone so she can get money out of him. She knows you will not let that money river flow to her.

DH has just hit it on the

DH has just hit it on the head. He said he thinks that she wants to see him occasionally but not be part of his life on a regular basis . I feel that too . So not sure what's next

Isn't that better than

Isn't that better than nothing? It can grow from there.

Yes I think he should do that

Yes I think he should do that too and I said that to him . He says he doesn't want that and cannot be bothered with the nonsense ! It's been to long and he's not starting all that type of thing

Honestly, I think that's a

Honestly, I think that's a bit cold on his part. She is a young woman who has been estranged from her father.. and honestly, a lot of the reason may have been reciprocal. She is saying she wants to test the waters a bit.. be cautious.. and he basically is saying if she isn't "full in" it isn't worth his time? I know you say he has been hurt by the whole situation.. but I can't imagine any parent not wanting to be part of their child's life if the child wants them in it.. at least some of the time.

I don't know.. maybe she is better off... it sounds like your husband isn't really that open to a relationship with her on any terms.

I was replying to the

I was replying to the previous comment about going out for meals etc....that's what he means by nonsense as previously she has presented him with a terms and conditions sheet which included that in order for her to see him . That's what he meant by nonsense

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