Why do I feel dread?
I was told this morning SS announced to my DH he is going to get married. He's had a gf for a few years, and she's pretty nice. Also, has her act together. My DH didn't know if they are having a wedding, or when they are getting married. SS's mother was just a gf of my DHs who accidently on purpose got pregnant to try and trap him. Mind you she did this with another guy years earlier. She has 2 kids, 2 fathers and never been married fyi. Yes he knows he should have used condoms. I've written about it on here, but she was also seeing her ex at the time. This was early 90's, they didn't have DNA and he doesn't look like DH whatsoever. Also he looks like her ex, anyways she caused us all kinds of problems for a number of years. Obviously she wasn't happy about being dumped and tried to use the poor kid against us. We met got married then when I became pregnant she promptly took him to court to try to get more child support. His attorney said he really needed to establish paternity for that child. I also encouraged him, but he refused. I knew at the time if he turned out to be the exes kid as suspected he would be very embarassed. Especially in front of his large family.
So fast forward it's water under the bridge. Now I am dreading a wedding because of this woman who I haven't seen in 20 years. Last year Dh was on the phone with SS, and he thought I was out of the room. I heard him tell SS to wish his mother a happy birthday from him. I know it's petty compared to the horrible problems people have on here....but it triggered old anger.. I felt he was being very sneaky, I guess that was the big one. I didn't say anything because rationally I knew better. At least I knew he didn't call her himself on her BD, lol. Anyways, I hear horror stories with these types of events. I get along with SS, but It would be awful to have to see Bm and her family. Would they insist on taking photos of DH with BM...? I know it's just one day, and she hasn't bothered us in many years so I should probably be thankful!
When these things pop up I really regret marrying into this type of situation. Anyone else have a wedding story to share? Maybe I'm being too negative and reactive.
'Just one day' is a long time
'Just one day' is a long time when it's happening. I lived through this scenario 2 days ago. It could have been worse - but it was NOT nice and certainly not something I ever want to repeat.
I would dread it too, I hate
I would dread it too, I hate having to see BM for any reason after all she put DH and SS through. And I would sure hate to see her parading around as MOTY.
I'm really hoping my SS doesn't ever have a big wedding. But if SS treats you and DH well, then I'd go and suck it up.
You feel dread because your internal compass is telling you this
is not going to end "happily ever after."
Just read the posts on here where SM's have had to endure the humiliation of being seated away from their husbands, rows back like any other guest, and being insulted by not being asked to stand in even one photo, especially after her marital funds contributed to this wedded bliss.
I would communicate it clearly to my husband that WE ARE A COUPLE ALWAYS, even at the wedding of one of our kids, and that we will be presenting as a couple as good role models for the new bride and groom. Marriage isn't something you put on and take off like a hat when it suits you, it's ubiquitous.
I completely get your dread and would understand if it were described even more as anxiety. Are there any family members you can ask to be seated with at the reception dinner if there is one?
Hopefully your DH will be on board with you, and remember, a normal pregnancy lasts nine months, if you can go through that (most of us have, multiple times) and keep the perspective that this is just another day, and a day is far less than a 270 day pregnancy, then you can surely do this. I know it's not just "that day" but rather all the planning leading up to it and the dread building, but keep it in the right perspective, as tough as I know that will be.
True
"Marriage isn't something you put on and take off like a hat when it suits you,--"
Defininitley agree that the wedding 'business' should be taken care of early. If your DH is sneakily wishing his Ex a Happy Birthday he might not be backing you up during the wedding. Insist - and I mean INSIST that there will be consequences if he does not have your back at all times.
Now I wonder
if I should have told him how I felt. We've had our ups and downs but in terms of exes he's been pretty good, especially compared to many. When SS graduated from highschool we went and sat by ourselves. We walked right past BM and he acted like she wasn't there. If there's a wedding we'll drive together and sit together. I'll make sure of that. Being cordial, and them having pics I don't care about though I think it's phony....but hey if it makes the kid happy who cares. It's obviously a phony depiction. I talked to my sil yesterday. She says there's no way he'll have a wedding. None of them know him that well, nor really considered BM to be anything except a mistake. Most probably wouldn't go... Long story, but they never believed that was his bio kid. Now I'm thinking sil is right, plus they don't have any money.
I'm praying they don't opt for a wedding!
I think his gf will want one though. This BM harassed us so bad that I finally had our lawyer draft her a letter to stop and desist. I had it delivered to her house. I know it doesn't matter now, but yes I do worry that they would pull some of that crap. Trying to seat BM with DH...or who knows what. Of course along the way if I get a inkling of anything remotely going in that direction I can talk to SS myself. Also, let DH know we sit together. Otherwise, yes I will be polite and well behaved no matter what. I did that from day one, and then we totally disengaged from her in which she had no choice to stop bothering us. As someone posted I'm probably imagining the worst!
Same here.
It brought a lot of stuff back. The fact he did it in a sneaking way made me wonder a lot! I thought about talking to him about it, but then I realized she wasn't worth getting into a argument over. I have a great life while she did nothing to enhance hers. She was also a crummy parent which is sad for her son. Now if I found out he was calling her behind my back you can be assured there would be strong words, lol.
You're wise to choose your battles, so don't go there. Keep the
joy. You know what you know and realize she's not even the equivalent to the dirt you pick up on the bottoms of your shoes, and that type of lowliness doesn't even rate a conversation with DH.
I had something similar happen, only it was BM reaching out to wish DH a happy birthday, and how amazing he was, as was his father etc. As aggravating as it is, I simply said that it wasn't appropriate, in a side comment, and followed it with, "Now what are we going to do to make your birthday special?"
You know there was more to DH and BM
Relationship. He just giving you a snow job . He still has feelings for BM. BM made life he$$ for him and he is still thinking of her. He remembers her birthday ? You have bigger problems. Make sure that none of your money goes towards the wedding.
BM is going to take over, run the wedding, get the credit for it. You will be put by either the band or bathroom
LOL
He was talking to his son on the phone. It was his son who mentioned he was visiting his mom since it was her birthday. He didn't remember on his own fyi. I will be sitting with DH either way. If we're sitting by the band it will be both of us! I would think it would be daughter and mother running the wedding. As for money I am wondering about that. If DH wants to contribute a small amount from both of us thats fine. Otherwise they'll have to pay for their own.
Not sure I would attend this
Not sure I would attend this show. I might gracefully bow out. My dh would not go either if the adults cant manage to keep it together. NOPE NOPE NOPE.
I heard something today it goes kinda like this:
Remember you cant swim into shark infested waters and hope the sharks turn into a cute little guppies
You are in control of what
You are in control of what happens to you. If there is a wedding you don't have to go. If you do choose to go, you can drive separately and leave anytime you want.
Remember: you are in control.
My son married last year.
It was a perfect wedding. My DH sat in the front with me. EH had his pictures with the couple, DH and I had ours. We did not do photos together (EH and I and son). EH was seated across the reception hall with his mother afterward. None of us were ignorant enough to cause trouble on this day that is all about the couple. You sit with your husband and make sure ahead of time that your husband and the bride and photographer have a plan for pictures. Most photographers handle this all the time. The only reason for drama is if there is someone low class enough to cause it. If she is that person then let her bring the curtain down on herself and bite your tongue. Be present and classy and you will shine and your husband will love you all the more.
My son married last year.
It was a perfect wedding. My DH sat in the front with me. EH had his pictures with the couple, DH and I had ours. We did not do photos together (EH and I and son). EH was seated across the reception hall with his mother afterward. None of us were ignorant enough to cause trouble on this day that is all about the couple. You sit with your husband and make sure ahead of time that your husband and the bride and photographer have a plan for pictures. Most photographers handle this all the time. The only reason for drama is if there is someone low class enough to cause it. If she is that person then let her bring the curtain down on herself and bite your tongue. Be present and classy and you will shine and your husband will love you all the more.