SD24 Upcoming Wedding -- dreading it.

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So SD24 is getting married in a month. The last year things have been going alright with SD24. She finally allowed me back into her life after cutting me out for over a year. She needed both DH and I when her relationship with BF went sour. So now that boyfriend and her are getting married.

SD24 has badmouthed me and DH to everyone that is going to be attending the wedding. I'm dreading going! She is not inviting any of DH's family to the wedding, so I won't even have any buffers

My DH said that we can then prove everyone wrong by going and holding our heads high. Sigh. I already know that I will be ignored, shunned and it is going to be awful.

I experienced a taste of it at SS23's wedding a few months ago. The ignoring and shunning. Now there will be a whole room of people doing it.

This does sound like a

This does sound like a nightmare of the type that your DH will want you to be part of. Practice your attentive listening and smiling skills. I have had to get through some pretty boring work functions this year and have done a lot of intent listening, head nodding and smiling. makes a good impression apparently. If shunned, practice "shoulders back, smile". Do what the royals do and look a bit above people's heads like you are totally fascinated by something just over there. Write tomorrow's grocery list in your head. Think about your favourite holiday destination. Chat to your DH whenever possible in a calm and fascinating way. Maybe whisper sweet sexy stuff in his ear about what you'll do to him when you get home. Wear some nice lingerie underneath your beautiful outfit.

Its ok. You can do it and the day after. It's over forever. No more SD wedding to deal with.

you could also pray for a really bad gastro.

I like this post....maybe

I like this post....maybe have a few glasses of wine before the festivities begin. Maybe ask to bring along a good family friend that you can hobnob with during the wedding and reception so you can shun the clan.

I think this is a great idea.

I think this is a great idea. I especially like the idea of acting like you are royal while tilting your head in such a way that you are looking upward with a smile. My husband says I do this. Head nodding works well as well as presenting yourself with confidence. Confidence will be conveyed by your body language. Freshstart is 100% right on! These jerks will be dumb-founded when they see that they can't tear you down. Love it!

I have to ask, if she is

I have to ask, if she is speaking to you all now for MONEY for the wedding.

make sure there's alcohol and

make sure there's alcohol and you can get through anything!!!!!!!!!!

Don't put yourself through

Don't put yourself through it, really, just let your DH go, I attended my last family event nearly 2 years ago, it was SD wedding and as it turned out was also turned into a wake for her deceased mother, that's how we felt anyway, my partner was so upset, they hand a lighting of a candle dedicated to her through the marriage ceremony, she was in the speeches, people crying at our table,and at the brides table, a song dedicated to her at the reception and announced by the DJ that it was dedicated to the SD mother from her (a song that was actually played at her real wake ) now considering the woman has been dead for 10 years , my partner waited 5 years before he was up to dating again, he was furious, that she could be so disrespectful to him with him having me there with him, anyway this is not about me, make a stand also your DH should not be expecting you to go, why go and put yourselves through all that stress, so much easier for him to go alone

Brasso, It was 20 plus years

Brasso,
It was 20 plus years since SD33's mother had died. DH waited 13 years to get married or even date. We too had a "wake" at the wedding. My money was good enough for her to snatch, my many hours of labor preparing and sewing 36 hours of table runners, but she was so disrespectful to me in addition to all the drama during the wedding.
She even had the wedding party drive out to the cemetary and she demanded the photographer photograph her flinging herself on the grave crying.

Towanda!! OHMYGOODNESS!!

Towanda!! OHMYGOODNESS!! WOW! I actually said that out loud while reading this! That is absolutely INSANE! Who DOES THAT? Sorry I'm yelling here, but that is frickin' insane! I am thankful that SD24 hasn't asked for my help with anything -- well, except for a little money here and there. My DH is losing his job at the end of this month so we are telling her no beyond what we have helped her with. We paid $240 for the rehearsal dinner for her brother 6 months ago, and so when SD24 asked for money for flowers, guess how much she asked for? Exactly what we spent on rehearsal dinner for SS23. Sheesh! All these kids have to have everything EVEN STEVEN! So stupid.

I just don't get it with all these skids. Why can't they just accept it? WHY?

To be honest I don't think

To be honest I don't think she really wants us there. She came over the other day -- DH was babysitting grandson -- and as she was walking out she brings up -- so what do you think about walking me down the aisle? He said "I was just waiting to be asked." She then goes on to say that she doesn't want him to walk her down the aisle. Why in the frick bring it up?? To hurt him? Well, worked. He got his feelers hurt.

She started talking to us again a year ago when her and BF were breaking up and she needed a place to live. I told DH -- no way in hell is she living here! Would be a total frickin' nightmare. So since then she as been talking to us again. She did ask us for money to pay for her schooling -- we did say no. She did ask us to co-sign on a loan for her school. I said no, DH said yes. UG! We made a decision TOGETHER that we would not co-sign on anything for any of our kids to protect our finances. And he made that decision without my consent.

Then she began asking for money for the wedding. She came to the house -- I did invite her and son for dinner -- thought it would be nice since it was Halloween and then we could take her son trick or treating. She then proceeded to badger us for money for the wedding. Her whiny voice "Well SS23 got to have a nice wedding, why can't I?" Sigh. Because we didn't pay for it! "Well, you paid for his rehearsal dinner, how much was that?" So in order for it all to be FAIR she had to make sure we spent money that equaled what we spent on rehearsal dinner. Sigh again.

We did offer to pay for the cake, bouquet, some flowers, and marriage license. I thought that was good considering we don't have a lot of money, and my DH may be losing his job at the end of this year. But they don't care about that. It's always all about them and how it will affect them. SD18 when we told her things were tight and he may be losing job -- her response was "great, my senior year. I can't believe this is happening to ME." Ahem. What? I couldn't help it. I responded and said "wow!! Thanks for your loving support of your Dad losing his job and how it will AFFECT YOU!" I think I did say something about her being selfish and self centered. I probably shouldn't have, but I did. I was in disbelief at her lack of empathy for her own dad.

Unbeliavable.

I don't think she is inviting her Mom. Mom abandoned all the kids back in 2004, and when she was allowed contact with the kids -- after they turned 18 -- even then she hasn't even really tried.

Yah, I don't think she cares if we go or not. Just the look on her face at one point when I asked her if she really wanted us to come or not. I asked her this because she said that she wasn't inviting any of Dh's family, and that's when I asked if she really even wanted us. The impression was that no. She doesn't even want to do the Dad/Daughter dance.

According to her, he's never been there for her, doesn't love her, etc. So if she has him do anything like that then it goes against everything she says bad about him or us.

What a narcissist! AND

What a narcissist! AND sadistic! She actually had the nerve to ask her Dad what he thought of walking her down the isle and then told him she didn't want him to? I wouldn't give her fricking dime. If she comes back to you asking for money I'd say, "How would you like us to pay for your wedding? NOT!"

HELL NO!! She had balls to

HELL NO!! She had balls to ask for money for the wedding. Yet, she does NOT want her dad walking her down the aisle.

I say screw that! Whoever is

I say screw that! Whoever is walking her down the aisle can pay for crap! No way. No how. Take the $ and go away with your hubs.

Thanks all for your support.

Thanks all for your support. I'm so torn because if I don't go, then I'll be bad mouthed -- if I do go, I'll be bad mouthed. I know if I was to say something to DH about not wanting to go that he will still go -- which is fine -- I just don't want to. He'll say to me "how can anything ever get any better if we don't try?" I've said in response to that that I HAVE tried -- over and over and over again. Only to be continually disappointed. He knows that his kids are shit heads, and has said stuff to that effect, but thinks that we need to continue to try.

He invited them all over for dinner on Sunday -- which I'm dreading! -- but as I'm writing this, and thinking about dinner Sunday -- maybe I'll see how Sunday goes and if it is awful, then I will not attend the wedding, and I will have something to back me up.

They haven't really done anything over the last several months (except ask for money) so my DH will say "what have they done lately?" We really haven't seen them much, which has been great! I love the fact that they stay away. I'm thrilled.

So we'll see what happens Sunday.

I hope you will have a good

I hope you will have a good dinner & it'll set your heart at ease.

I hope you will have a good

I hope you will have a good dinner & it'll set your heart at ease.

Thanks Bradymom - I am

Thanks Bradymom - I am trying not to dread dinner tomorrow night. SD24 just called DH and asked him if it was going to be Thanksgiving type foods? Ummmmm nope. Why would I bust my butt in the kitchen while all of you sit in the living room not helping, nor offer to help bring anything, and leave it all on me, and then I have to ask people to do the clean up. SD24 will sit on her ass and not help with a thing. All of them are like that. I just got done telling DH that I really hope that he comes out and helps me in the kitchen this time without me having to ask. He told me that I will probably need to remind him because he'll get caught up in visiting. I just told him it's not fair while I'm out there busting my hump, and they're all sitting in the living room enjoying a peaceful, nice time -- and I'm running around sweating and doing everything.

I don't even want to do this.

Thanks Bradymom - I am

I don't even want to do this.

Don't get a her a gift.

Don't get a her a gift. Shunning should count

Badnanny -- yes I've already

Badnanny -- yes I've already decided I'm not going out of my way to get her any gift. I never get a thankyou for anything that I give her. NOT EVER. When she had her babyshower I sent with the kids a bunch of really nice things for the baby -- did I get a thank you? Nope. Granted, I was not invited to the babyshower. She sent individual invitations to each family member in our household, except me and my daughter. I'm trying to be over that because it did happen two years ago now. I have never received an apology for any of the crap she has done towards me.

I'm just supposed to forgive according to my DH.

I gave her some things for the baby recently and never got a thank you for those either. I did it for him though -- not her. I need to remind myself of this.

My daughter is actually going

My daughter is actually going to come with me to SD24's wedding. I told her we don't have to stay long, but this way I've at least got one person who I can talk to. I'm merely going to make an appearance and then leave. She wants us to watch her son for the night, so I'll just take him home after I've had enough. I enjoy the little guy so I do have that to look forward to.

Apparently I misunderstood my

Apparently I misunderstood my DH -- she ended up asking him to walk her down the aisle. So at least that is okay -- the rest is not.

She came by tonight and asked her Dad (my DH) to remove the restraining order against her mother (BM) because BM is saying she won't come to her wedding unless DH removes the restraining order.

The restraining order was put into place in 2005 when their custody matter went to trial, and the judge put it in place for LIFE! It is to protect my DH and his four kids; also to keep her from continuing to make false accusations against him -- she has for years made allegations to the police that he molested his daughters. Never happened. Needless to say, because of her many, many crazy actions he got full custody and she got supervised visitation. She was required to get a psychological evaluation and follow it's treatment recommendations, and then they would consider allowing her to have supervised visits. She never got the psych evaluation so that she could see her kids, so therefore, she did not see her kids for 8 years! WHO DOES THAT??!!

So SD24 wants him to remove the kids from the restraining order because the kids want to see BM. The kids have all began seeing her after they turned 18 -- DH did not object to the kids because at that point he couldn't stop them if the did it on their own. But he does want it in place to protect himself. He told this to SD24, but she continued to ask. BM also has a warrant out for her arrest because she did not appear for court on a contempt action. So one of the times he came to town (she lives out of state) -- and was before the kids were 18 -- she came and took SS from one of his school functions and took him and two oldest siblings out for dinner, gave them a bunch of money (she couldn't pay child support, but gives them close to $1,000) -- so my DH called the police because she was violating the restraining order, and because of the warrant out for her arrest they had to arrest her. She weren't going to, even though she was violating the restraining order, but did after they found out she had a warrant.

This woman has gotten away with so much crap, it's unbelievable!!

So she's got SD24 trying to do her dirty work. Told SD24 she won't come if DH doesn't remove the restraining order. The thing is, is that BM doesn't WANT to come -- she is just using this story as a means to blame my DH yet again. DH even told SD24 this, but she is still insistent on this. So irritating.

It is all just so stressful.

Yes -- I WILL be glad when

Yes -- I WILL be glad when this is all over. SS23 got married in June and I had to endure all of this same thing, with the exception that at SS23's wedding my DH's family was actually invited. SD24 is not inviting anyone from DH's side of the family -- so the people who are going to be there are SD24's boyfriends' parents/family (who have all been told that I am crazy, that my DH has never been there for his daughter, that I need mental help, and that we kicked her out when she was preggers (WE DIDN'T!!) -- and then SD24's friends and boyfriend's friends -- again, all people who have been told lies about us. As well as BM's family. UG!!

So here's a question -- if people make comments to us about things that SD24 has said to them, etc., is it proper of me to correct them? Ahem. Just thinking we can't have everyone running around with the wrong story and if I get confronted -- which I have been confronted by one of SD24's friends (told me that I treated SD24 "like dirt") -- I DID set her straight.

Her fiancé's family all have horrible feelings towards us because of all the bad things she has said about us. In fact, when they were breaking up a year ago her fiancé's Dad threatened to shoot my DH!! Yes -- these are the kind of people we are dealing with.

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just went through this. I

I just went through this.

I didn't go because of the RA bridezilla behavior and because the preceding year or more of planning was nothing but squabbling about money. I stayed out of it and basically said do what you want-regarding money spent and such. She and her fiancée came to visit regularly in the two years before the wedding. Each visit got uglier and uglier. Me and my kids usually left the room and let SD & Dad to scream out their differences. I said give her the goddamn money and be done with it. I don't want to hear about it anymore. After a while, even my husband didn't want any part of it, but he was in the wedding, so he couldn't back out.

Most of the people present were part of SD's posse that has heard all kinds of lies about me. Basically a roomful of people who hate me and are rude to me.

But I digress.

My main point is that they are going to bad mouth you either way. Because that's the only thing they have going for them.

Save yourself the heartache and don't open yourself up to even more abuse. If any of your kids or H are in the wedding and obligated to attend, that's fine. Help them get ready if they need it, smile and say "Have a good time. See you when you get home." and do something you want to do.

Clean the litterbox, Have some wine. Read a book.

Priorities.

Oh, BTW, she hasn't been here

Oh, BTW, she hasn't been here since the wedding. The visits dropped off dramatically when she got the money.

It is what it is.

Dear Mom of 5_1969 Oh, she

Dear Mom of 5_1969

Oh, she "allowed" you back in her life? :jawdrop: Fu€k her. To what do you owe this pleasure? She should be kissing your a$$. It reminds me of when I heard DH on the phone with his sister and he said something to the effect of "there's a problem between Amber and SD". Oh no darling husband, there is no problem between your damn daughter and I. She has a problem with HERSELF as I did nothing to her when she handed down her latest edict that DH is to divorce me or he will never see her or speak to her ever again. I know, I'm getting hung up on a small detail but its true; last I knew, SD and I got along and there was no problem. Then all of a sudden she turned on me so she has the problem, I have NOTHING to do with it and it should be stated as such. DH should've said "I don't know why my DD is angry with Amber, I can't figure it out as Amber has done nothing to her". The way he originally phrased it made it sound like I am part of the problem and that I am actively engaged in a battle with the psychotic, delusional brat. Nothing could be further from the truth.
This is why I am upset by the phrasing that your SD has "allowed" you into her life. It should be stated that "you have decided to be kind, forgiving and caring enough to allow SD back into your life when she needed help and support". The original phrasing here makes it sound like you should be jumping for joy that this peon is going to "allow" you to participate in her sorry a$$ life.

I hope I don't sound too abrasive here. I'm not trying to make you feel bad or like I'm picking you apart. Its a hot button issue for me when things are phrased such that it creates the appearance that the step-demon is in control. Goodness, I am feeling feisty today.
You take care and have a nice day.
Amber

Thank you Amber Not

Thank you Amber Not abrasive at all -- very real - and SO TRUE! My DH once said "I wish you two could just get along." I about blew a gasket!! I told him I have done NOTHING -- that this is ALL HER. So yes -- you are totally right.

The truth is -- I allowed her back into my life. I could've said no way Jose when she broke up with boyfriend and needed the comfort of family, but I didn't. She has been beyond awful towards me.

Last night when she was here, she was talking about her younger sister, SD18, and said that she just needs some guidance. I told her that SD18 doesn't WANT any guidance -- and SD24's response to that was "at least I had grandma and grandpa, she has nobody." I almost blew, and then I realized that if I did that -- nobody would benefit. SD24 didn't want to be apart of our family -- she was AN INSANE, HORRIBLE BRAT from DAY ONE. But can I say this to her? No. If I did, she wouldn't let us see grandson -- and that would devastate my DH. I figure it's not worth it to correct her. She wants to forever be the victim -- so you go girl. I don't have to be around her much, so at least that is a consolation.
Thank you for that BTW

You're welcome! Oh I'm so

You're welcome! Oh I'm so happy that you understood what I was trying to convey. It made my blood boil when I read your post. These asshole brats are just so intent on making everyone bow in their presence. It makes me sick and my SD makes me sick. DH used to make me sick but now that he has been the recipient of his psychotic daughters rage, he now supports me. For years I had to put up with this bitch and her nonsense. Your SD sounds very passive aggressive with her stupid comment about how her little sister had no one and at least she had her grandparents. She's baiting you and if she wasn't so stupid, she'd find a more creative, illusive way of doing it. I mean, she's just so obvious; she's definitely not very clever. This is why it was very smart of you to not respond and get openly angry with her when she pulled that BS about guidance and grandparents. Good for you for beating her at her own game. Screw her and her stupid wedding. (God I really am feisty today). She treats you badly, acts like a total ass and then she and bf break up and all of a sudden she runs to you and DH. Uh, where's grandma and grandpa? Thought they were the only ones who were there for her. This immature brat is not ready for marriage. It will be interesting to see what kind of trouble she stirs up in her new husbands family. If one of my sons brought a bitch like this home I would have a total fit. Good luck to you. I hope all goes well for you.

Thank you for that. As I

Thank you for that. As I responded to the other post, this made me mad!!!! I think it happens and we just aren't expecting it so we get blindsided. It's a subtle thing. It makes me think that daddy dearest has to take some responsibility off his idiot daughter and this way he's not making her 100% responsible. I don't even know if it's a conscious thing or not. I pointed it out to my DH when he made this mistake which of course made daddy defensive. It's just all a bunch of garbage. Good for you for seeing the brat for what she was doing. It's amazing how these little bitches think that if they tell daddy to leave us that they are going to listen. I mean really? Like princess brat is going to tell my DH " you need to leave Amber or I'm never going to speak to you or see you ever again; I want nothing to do to you" and then DH responds " oh princess, you are right! How could I have been so stupid to stay married to her. I need to end my marriage right now because pleasing you is my #1 priority. You're right, Amber is a horrible mother and wife and how could I be so stupid that I didn't see it. Thank God you're here to guide me to a better life where you are the only one who matters".

Dumb bitch. This will never happen. I know you want the past 6 years back and of course you unfortunately can't have that but perhaps you can have a good next 6 years. This will be my hope for you. I know it's hard but hang in there. What worked for me was to remove myself from the situation and let the dumb-ass self destruct. I hope things to better for you and that you have a nice holiday.

I like you Amber! I need to

I like you Amber! I need to have you around in my life! I think the two of us wouldl probably be laughing -- A LOT!

Yah, the thing that my skids have failed to realize after 7 years is that he chose me, and will always choose me over them. They are idiots, selfish, self centered, brats. I'm not. I'm good to my DH -- they are not. Why would he leave me? He wouldn't.

In fact, when we were first married -- first six months -- oldest SD (now 24) pulled more stunts than I can count and my DH finally had enough and told her she was no longer welcome in our home and kicked her out -- did send her to live with grandma and grandpa. So, yah, grandma and grandpa were there for her, but she didn't want to be apart of our family. She WANTED to go live with grandma because grandma spoils her and lets her do whatever she wants. SO GO! We let her move back in on two separate occasions and it was a frickin' nightmare. I left a couple of different times and wasn't going to go back. I seriously was done.

Then this last year when she broke up with her boyfriend -- he kicked her and their son out of home -- she came here (she moved in with my DH's sister because it would have ruined us). She was at our house every day though and it was awful. I wanted to kill myself. She was making my life a living hell. Then one night she comes over after work to get her son -- he was in bed -- and at about 11 pm she ups and leaves and tells DH "I'll be back later." WHAT!??? I told DH I was NOT ok with that. I told him that she should have gotten son and went home, put him to bed where he belonged. He is her number one priority. Then she gets back after 1 am, and spends the night. The next morning DH comes into our room and wakes me up -- he is getting his wallet and says he has to go to the store to get diapers for her because she claims that her bf has her debit card. I then asked him if she had spent the night, and he indicated she had.

By the time he got back from the grocery store I had packed a bag and was showering up and leaving. I left. I went and stayed with my Mom and Dad for over a week. I told him that he needed to "clean house." I told him if he didn't, I was done. He needed to get his sons (both of them) to start paying rent because they were free loading, get SD24 out. Amazingly, he did.

Needless to say, the sons didn't want to pay rent to us so they moved out. SD18 moved out before they did, and SD24 stopped coming to the house. Phew!! So yah, I probably had him run them out -- but they were running the show, being SO disrespectful, mooching, awful.

We don't see them a whole lot now and I really am GOOD with this. Oh, yah, we see them when they want money, or something else of that nature -- that is basically how they have always viewed us. Nothing more.

Thankfully, my DH can see what a real child behaves like in my daughter, who is going to be 20 in a couple of days. She is kind, respectful, smart, thoughtful and NOT a moocher. She has aspirations and is currently going to a university, made the presidents list her first year of college, and has earned enough in scholarships to pay her entire tuition this year! She is an amazing girl! So my DH can see that his kids really are shits by comparison. My parents won't even come to the house if they are going to be here because of everything they have done to me.

Thanks for listening all!

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SD24 Upcoming Wedding -- dreading it.