When is communication with the ex to much?
My husband and his ex wife have a 6 year old son together so I have always been very ok with them communicating due to the child. But there is alot that I have let build up that came out explosively last night because I finally hit my breaking point.. It all really started when she came and stayed at his mothers house for a week (which is literally 3/4 of a football field away from our home).. The reason was she needed a break from her parents (she refuses to move out of their home).. I let it slide because after all it was his parents house, well it ended up being a week of hell...Our son together wanted to go down there and couldnt because she "felt uncomfortable." I couldnt even go out to our cow pen without his mother stepping in and saying it was rude of me because she was there....And it has went from there. I understand they talk when it come to their son, I have no issue with that at all, but it has gotten to where the calls are always when im not around, and I know for a fact they are not all about the child. Its anywhere from 2 to 3 times a week at times, and some of the calls are anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes long... and this has been repeatedly.. When she comes to pick their son up from us when we have him, it always turns into his mom, dad, sister, niece, etc. also showing up at the house at the same time and im stuck in the middle of what feels like a damn family reunion based around her...But what set me off finally is last night my husband got home from work and proceeds to tell me mid-conversation on another subject that he called her to give him a ride to where his truck was parked....I absolutely lost it because I am literally 10 minutes closer to where he was than she is...and I just feel like it was totally disrespectuful to 1. not call me and ask me and 2. not even consider how i might feel about the situation...I got mad and he felt the need to go tell his mom and get her to come talk to me, and she proceeds to tell me that theres nothing wrong with it, they need to have a relationship like this and that I needed to step back... It had nothing to do with his son, his son was not even with her, he was with her parents in a different county... I lost it on him and his mom after she decided to put her two sense in.. Am I wrong?
A little too much enmeshment
A little too much enmeshment for my taste.
You are not supposed to go outside because BM is in the neighborhood? Your husband calls BM for a ride? Talking on the phone for 20-40 minutes? About what?
BM needs to get away from her parents, so she goes and stays with your in-laws?
All just a little too much.
Your MIL telling you that you need to step back was waaaay out of line. I would've lost it, too.
Yeah, blech. OP, you can't
Yeah, blech. OP, you can't come out of your house when BM is around, but they can all swarm her in your driveway to say hello?
And why would DH call BM instead of you for a ride, that's weird too. And then he runs to his Mommy when you two have a conflict and she steps in and fights for him?
I'd insist on moving away from this enmeshed family.
Yeah... You're not wrong
Yeah... You're not wrong
That is beyond inappropriate... They're still functioning as married. Also she should have NO say in you going down to YOUR cow pasture. That's weirdly and uncomfortably enmeshed...
He should have called you. I think a serious conversation needs to happen about acceptable boundaries... Because he is DEFINITELY stepping outside the lines of them.
IMHO:
But I'm also just moody. LOL
Thanks guys
I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks so. I have tried my best to keep my cool but enough is enough. And once I lost it last night he knew I was mad. I slept in the room with my oldest son and I didn't speak to him at all and still haven't spoken to him today. I am tired of it. I'm tired of his family thinking she is a saint. I can't stand them honestly because they want to be all up my ass now that me and him had a child together but when it comes to anything with her I'm the enemy all of a sudden. I let them woman get away with so much shits it's unbelievable. Simply because I had a step mom I didn't like and I didn't want our stepson to see me as the enemy, and he doesn't. But I'm tired of putting my feelings aside. Sick and tired of it. It makes things so much harder than they should be. When they were finalizing everything in their divorce things were great, she never hardly called, didn't come around, and now since we have gotten married all of a sudden she's back up In everything. What kills me most honestly when she comes around is that when she found out we were expecting she called our child it, even when we had told her the sex, well her son told her. And now when she sees him she wants to hold him and love him, I'm sorry if I can get to him fast enough me and him disappear. It might be petty but I just have no respect for her after that. I feel like the walls of the house are caving in on me slowly and I know eventually I'm going to lose my shit horribly bad.
First off living so close to
First off living so close to your H's dysfunctional family/parents is too close for comfort. What are your H and BM discussing for 20-40 minutes several times a week? This is not necessary. Why is your H acting like a child by telling his mother what is going on in your relationship? What's with all the boundary crossing going on from all angles......
You exploded because you've been holding this inside for so long and know it's not healthy. You have to have a serious talk with your H and tell him your wants & needs and create strong boundaries if he wants your marriage to survive. I personally would not be able to stay in an environment where you are restricted from your own MIL and has a BM constantly still in the mix. If this is the case your H should have stayed with her.
If he doesn't make changes, really reconsider if you want to continue living this way in your marriage.
I’ve been considering the option of leaving
I've long been considering make the hard choice of leaving. I think I'm going to try to sit down and tell him what the boundaries are and how things need to be to respect me and if he can't do it then I'm going to have to leave. I can't do it, not just because I'm unhappy, but because my kids will see this and see me unhappy. I don't want them to resent their dad but at the same time I can't be the unhappy mom because of him. I love him dearly and I want things to work, because like I stated earlier, things weren't always like this at all. Me nor my anxiety can handle much more
He runs to mommy when you
He runs to mommy when you have a disagreement? That ALONE would seal it for me.
I would tell him that he apparently has enough women in his life between mommy and his EX and that THEY can have him.
This is way too much, you're
This is way too much, you're being seriously disrespected by an entire family and they're ALL in on it.
Truth be told, I'd definitely have a talk with him about boundaries but guys like this so enmeshed with mommy and ex are pretty much a lost cause. I'd be looking at an exit plan.
You have a DH problem. I don
You have a DH problem. I don't mean to sound harsh but he is spineless just like my DH because he needs to cut the umbilical cord with his mother and create some boundaries with the BM as well. It sounds as if he likes having BM in his life. Why did they even get divorced if they are going to be so enmeshed with each other? And it's really sad that your MIL condones it. These people do not respect at all OP. I hope everything works out for you.
Oh, I'd be taking a step back
Oh, I'd be taking a step back. In fact, I'd be taking quite a number of steps back. If my DH wanted to play Happy Family with his EXw and everyone else, I'd let him. While I got the biggest cut-throat divorce attorney I could find.
If you got on well with BM
If you got on well with BM and the in-laws treated you like their son's wife then I could see that the amount of contact could be considered ok. But the fact that every treats you as second class and no-one is willing to allow you to feel uncomfortable and adjust their behavior accordingly I do think it is too much.
If you want a chance of saving your relationship I would try to get your husband to couples therapy. He needs to realize how involving others in your relationship is not healthy and how to speak up for you and set appropriate boundaries with others.
If you have had enough already, you could leave him, but you will still have all these people in your life to some extent because of your joint son.
Glad you followed your gut
Glad you followed your gut AND questioned---Hmmmm, is this normal?
NO it is not. Dad should be independent of his ex. Yet, dealing with serious issues maturely when needed. It is unlikely bm and dh need to talk so much. Hopefully your dh is proactive that HE is in touch with teachers (seperate of bm) via email about his child for school events, robot calls for inclement weather etc. Call the school and get on that list.
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You wrote:
I've long been considering make the hard choice of leaving. I think I'm going to try to sit down and tell him what the boundaries are and how things need to be to respect me and if he can't do it then I'm going to have to leave.
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OP you have decisions to make. Verses 'choices'. Your not in the buffet line thinking about stringbeans or cake. Those are choices.
Decisions that will effect your life and the life of your bio child you have with dh.
I would find a good Family and Marriage Therapist with PhD after their name for a few sessions with dh. Make sure you vet the therpist so you do find one who agrees that loyalties for married couples start with the husband and wife...not husbands parents and his ex wife--THEN new wife.
Good Luck---
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Your are not wrong
Have all communicated done by email or text, group text. Make sure DH does not delete any of the texts. These should be about SK, not her job, her bad back or front, her broken car ect.
your DH is still has something with the EX because he's going along with this. Then playing it off as normal and nothing
Nope, you are most definitely
Nope, you are most definitely not wrong.
Giving them clarity is long over due IMHO.
Keep dialing up the pain if DHand his mommy keep being the cheer squad for team BM.
That DH had to draft his mommy to talk to you about the discussion you two had regarding DH calling BM for a ride tells me more about your DH than I care to know. He needs to cut the cord with his mommy and get his nose out if BM's crotch.