With all of this phone deal, the old angry feelings I had are back.

Quick recap: I got my daughter a phone last weekend, right after SD12's birthday. SD12 got a phone for her birthday. SD12 thought that DD11's phone was nicer and told everyone but her dad that she no longer "felt special" for her birthday. SO was getting it from all angles, BM, BM's sister, BM's father and even SO's sister about how SD12 was sooooo upset. Hence, SO bought SD12 a phone like DD11. So now SD12 has 2 phones.

We had a bad week last week and I was asking SO for a night that he could send his kids somewhere so I could have a night to myself. He is on nights and my kids were at their dad's family's house. He got upset. I was in tears, I was so stressed out. I just wanted some time to myself. He has a lot of family here, I don't. He had plenty of people to ask to babysit for free, I don't. I have to take what I can get when I can.

Now, it is true, he has worked hard on our bedroom to make it private (finally!) We have a great setup in our bedroom now. But now I am thinking it is so I am appeased to stay. So I have a place to hang out by myself in order for him to have a space for him and SD12 to hang. He is going to mount a TV in my daughter's room. (We already have the TV) and putting a Wii in there as well. I noticed this weekend that even when we were playing a game together, he was in the living room and I was in our bedroom. SD12 got Daddy all to herself.

When I took his kids to get phones, they were both belligerent with me. I told him. This is also what prompted my wanting a night alone. He said they would be punished. Well, SS14's punishment was no TV, no games and no computer... well, SD12's was the same. However, SS14 stayed home, and SD12 went to a friends house.... Ok, I did ask for time alone... but how is that punishing her? It just started my old anger again.

He asked me to take his son out since he felt bad for hurting my feelings (SS14). So I took him out to eat and played a game with him for a while. I went to bed early and he read books. He asked me if he could watch tv again after we were done and I said NO.

So I had had it with SO. I confronted him, again, about how SD12 gets away with this stuff. How he was teaching her to manipulate to get something she wanted. He said, of course, that he did not see it that way.

We fought. I backed off for a while then I went to him and said...

"I am sorry for losing my temper. But I feel like an outsider when SD12 is in the room with you, I feel like she is more special than anyone to you, I feel like a babysitter... etc. "

He said, "I cannot argue with how you feel, they are your feelings. But it does not mean I need to change what I am doing to make you feel better."

I said, "Then you will understand that I believe you are hurting me willingly, willfully."

He said, "No, that is not what I said"

I said, "Yes, if you understand that these things hurt my feelings and you are UNWILLING to do anything to change them, you are CHOOSING to hurt me."

He said, "Are you saying I need to choose between you and my daughter?"

I said, "No, that is not the point here."

What I should have said was "No, but I think you should choose who is your girlfriend"

The conversation went to us talking to our counselor about what we can do to help how I feel.

So now I have tried to set up an appointment with our counselor, there has been nothing available for the next 2 weeks while he is on night shift.

I was feeling very good about myself and my life when I was thinking on moving out. After I agreed to stay, it was good until SD12 issues once again put a rift between us. He is still working on the house and I believe we both want a resolution to this issue. I fear it will come down to him changing something he does not want to change. He does not want to believe that I can feel threatened by a 12 year old girl and the relationship he has with her.

He says he wants this to work. I can see he does. He thinks he needs to protect her from me. Well, I have no recourse when my feelings get hurt by the things that happen that surround her. I have blogged so much about this. I feel like the other woman. I feel like I get shoved aside for her. I feel like EVERYONE gets shoved aside for her. I feel that she will forever be dependent on him. I feel he wants her that way. I feel that he never wants to hurt her feelings, or that her feelings are more important than anyone else in the house. I feel like she is his girlfriend, not me.

What can I do? I feel like he is wanting me to just lay down and watch him have an affair with his daughter. Even if it is not really an affair, it feels like it to me.

He asks me what the counselor says, I say she agrees with me... his answer, "well, that is what she is suppose to do" then why do you ask me dude?

I go back and forth between hurt and angry... or maybe I am angry because I am hurt. I agreed to stay, if there were changes. I no longer feel obligated to stay. I think I would be happy not living there. However, I would like to be with him.